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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas & PFB

69 replies

woundedbutwalking · 16/12/2017 22:04

I think I might be having my first PFB moment.

Back story: Christmas is always a huge negotiation in my family, my mum always does what ever my younger brother instructs asks for. E.g. will move Christmas from family home to his house in different part of the country on "my year" to be with my parents (alternate between my Parents & PIL's). Massive amounts of emotional blackmail on years with PIL's

This is 1st year with DD, so have tried to keep everyone happy by saying I'll drive & we'll visit everyone. I've just found out he's invited 4 extra people over to my DM's. So she's going to be hosting 8 people rather than 4, 2 of whom no-one apart from my DB has ever met before.

Apart from a bit of social anxiety on my part, physically there's not room for 10 people in my DM's house. I'm still bf'ing so that's going to be awkward, plus how are my parents going to spend any time with my DD if they've got 4 extra people to host? And she's only 5mo & finds big groups of people a bit overwhelming.

AIBU to be pissed off & how do I deal with this sensitively?!

Fuck that's long!

OP posts:
user1471459936 · 16/12/2017 22:05

Don't bother. Just stay at home and enjoy your first Xmas with your baby!

Callamia · 16/12/2017 22:09

Go to your in-laws. It’s only Christmas (honestly), do whatever will make you feel most rested and comfortable.

I’ve got a baby who will be 5mo at Christmas too, and anyone who might want to make my life any more stressful than it needs to be can think again. You need space on the sofa, a decent bed space and somewhere to feel like you can nap if you want to. Fuck being nice to people that you’ve never met.

Snowman41 · 16/12/2017 22:10

Agree with staying at home. As soon as I had my first DC I made it out family time that we stayed home.

FlouncyDoves · 16/12/2017 22:17

‘Mum, sorry I won’t be coming for Xmas if DB is bringing these friends of his’

Emerald92 · 16/12/2017 22:18

Stay at home just the three of you. It's what we did last year and my DD was also 5 months old. Best thing we did. Stop trying to please people,you'll never make everyone happy. Just yourself miserable and stressed.

TwoBobs · 16/12/2017 22:21

Once ours got to about 3 and were really excited about Santa then we did Christmas at home rather than traipsing around the country. Soooo much less stressful. We do the visiting after Christmas.
Will continue that tradition until they're at least 12, I'd imagine.

Redsippycup · 16/12/2017 22:26

Since having DD we've made it a rule that Xmas day is spent at home. Anyone that wants to visit is welcome, but they take us as they find us - I'm not 'entertaining'. It's what my parents did when we were kids and it worked for us.

I'm not carting DD and all her stuff all around the place on Xmas day. When she's older (she's 1) she will want to stay home and play with presents, and why shouldn't she? And if we start 1 year with my family and the next with in laws now, then sooner or later someone will be upset when we stay home on 'their' year - it's all too much stress when it should be a relaxing, comfy day.

coconutpie · 16/12/2017 22:31

YANBU. Tell your parents that you will not be coming since your brother has invited random people to it. They can choose - his random friends or their daughter and grand child.

BewareOfDragons · 16/12/2017 22:40

FFS, just stay at home! You don't have to go anywhere, you have a child of your own and traditions of your own to start.

If your mum wants to cater to your spoiled, demanding brother, it's her loss. And tell her so.

Gemini69 · 16/12/2017 22:41

Stay at home and relax in your own home with your darling Baby Xmas Smile

goose1964 · 16/12/2017 23:22

Go but use the fact you BF to disappear and have some time to yourself

JennyWoodentop · 17/12/2017 01:00

I wouldn't go.

If they try to guilt trip you about wanting to see DD for her first Christmas I would respond that that was clearly not their priority when they agreed to all the extra guests - and that's fine, their house, their guest list - since you clearly can no longer be accomodated you are not coming. If you get the "you promised" line, I would just say that agreement was made on the basis there would be room for you & DD in comfort but that is no longer the case, and they chose to move the goal posts not you.

..........and disengage........if the story of your family is that your brother's wishes always trump yours, then I would not be bending over backwards to appease them but find other things to do at Christmas - in laws, stay home, friends whatever. I would not be making any promises for next year either.

He11y · 17/12/2017 08:10

I’m not sure you can deal with it sensitively but they’ve not been sensitive either so just say it how it is and worry no more. Don’t spend too much time thinking about it as it will just get bigger in your head, just call them today and say you’re staying home and they are welcome to come round at [whatever day works for you.] If they ask why then tell them, firmly but nicely, so they know there’s no room for persuasion tactics. You’ve got this! It will be hard to start with as everyone is used to fitting around your brother but it will get easier the more you do it.

Trb17 · 17/12/2017 08:14

Stay home. Make that your new tradition for Xmas day now you have your DD.

Visit your Parents and PIL’s on Xmas eve and/or Boxing Day.

Santasbigredbobblehat · 17/12/2017 08:21

Don’t go. It’s a faff dragging kids round. I learnt that the hard way one year when all DH’s family wanted DD1 woken up for the afternoon, I duly got her up but she was grumpy and no one was interested!
My BIL said to me the other day how he wished he hadn’t spent Christmas driving round the M25, but it was expected as he was the only one with small children.
Enjoy your time at home.

ProseccoPoppy · 17/12/2017 08:25

Definitely stay at home! I’m pregnant with DC2 and have a very excited toddler DC1 and have told everyone they are really really welcome to come to us (and genuinely meant it) but that we are not going anywhere. My family are happy and have arranged to come to us. The in laws are stropping because things aren’t exactly as they want them but that’s another story and DH has told them that’s tough. We are very excited about a lovely peaceful Christmas at home.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 17/12/2017 08:26

Another vote for staying at home. We used to traipse around with dc1 then when dc2 was born, and was 6 months at Christmas I spoke up. We stayed at home, everyone popped in at some point, we had dinner just the 4 of us and changed into our pyjamas and lounged on the sofa afterwards. It was brilliant!

RainyApril · 17/12/2017 08:36

Who are the people he's invited, and why has he invited them?

Are they people who would otherwise be on their own, a girlfriend and her parents, randoms he met in the pub?

I'm surprised at how many people would be bothered by this. Surely mum can host whoever she wants, invite whoever she wants? It's Christmas. Christmas spirit and all that. It's churlish to bow out at this late stage just because she's had the temerity to invite some other people.

Original poster
woundedbutwalking · 17/12/2017 09:00

It's a friend of DB & his mum. They stayed in his flat for a bit this year house sitting. Then there's SIL & her brother & girlfriend who I've met once or twice.

IF my DM had invited them I would feel less churlish, but DB has a lot of form for being an inconsiderate knob pushy when it comes to getting what he wants.

It's my DF that will suffer as DM never consults with him & I'm certain he would have said no!!!

A very large part of me thinks this is attention seeking from DB as he is no longer baby of the family...

OP posts:
itsallrelative2017 · 17/12/2017 09:15

So basically your DB wants his cake and to eat it? He wants to spend Christmas with both sides of his family rather than alternate like you do?

I'd go to the PILs if I were you.

RainyApril · 17/12/2017 09:22

Well me and my dc would be on our own at Christmas if a lovely friend hadn't invited us. I was so grateful and relieved but now I'm wondering whether other guests are complaining about our presence.

They're not strangers. It's Christmas. Do what you want next year but don't make everyone feel shit by throwing a strop about it now. You never know, they might be lovely, you might enjoy it!

PurplePumpkinHead · 17/12/2017 09:28

Just stay at home. All this moving around at Christmas is quite ridiculous. You have your own little family now - start your own traditions. Lock the door and enjoy your own peace and quiet.

You can visit parents etc on another day. And likely get two or more Christmas dinners - what's not to like?!

44PumpLane · 17/12/2017 09:28

With a 5 month old baby I couldn't be chewed to cook Christmas Dinner but would definitely want to eat it!

So if your DP can cook then stay home, if not go to PILs and enjoy being waited on if you can.

I wouldn't want the hustle and bustle of a load of strangers in a space too small at this stage.

MargaretCavendish · 17/12/2017 09:29

They can choose - his random friends or their daughter and grand child.

Am I the only one who thinks this is horribly manipulative? All it will do is make everyone feel bad - and it's the 17th of December, they can't start uninviting people now! You can absolutely say you're going to stay home but I think it's really unkind to basically make it clear that you're doing it because the whole day wasn't arranged around you as you seem to have expected it to be.

Original poster
woundedbutwalking · 17/12/2017 09:33

Has your lovely friend invited you to her house for Christmas Rainy? That's the massive difference IMO. I did ask if I was having a PFB moment wondering if DD should be centre of the whole entire world attention this year. I think there's definitely a touch of that going on BlushGrin

OP posts:
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