Christmas & PFB

[woundedbutwalking]

I think I might be having my first PFB moment.

Back story: Christmas is always a huge negotiation in my family, my mum always does what ever my younger brother instructs asks for. E.g. will move Christmas from family home to his house in different part of the country on "my year" to be with my parents (alternate between my Parents & PIL's). Massive amounts of emotional blackmail on years with PIL's

This is 1st year with DD, so have tried to keep everyone happy by saying I'll drive & we'll visit everyone. I've just found out he's invited 4 extra people over to my DM's. So she's going to be hosting 8 people rather than 4, 2 of whom no-one apart from my DB has ever met before.

Apart from a bit of social anxiety on my part, physically there's not room for 10 people in my DM's house. I'm still bf'ing so that's going to be awkward, plus how are my parents going to spend any time with my DD if they've got 4 extra people to host? And she's only 5mo & finds big groups of people a bit overwhelming.

AIBU to be pissed off & how do I deal with this sensitively?!

Fuck that's long!

I've never said that I'm not going, just AIBU to be pissed off! The other guests are staying, we're not, so there won't be any time when it's just "our family".

I'm going to ask DM how she feels about it all, there physically isn't space for everyone to sit for dinner so not sure how it's going to work, but I can hopefully help her think it all through. Next year we'll definitely be doing our own thing & not bending over to accommodate everyone

Heebie you got it nailed!!! Thanks everyone for your replies

Can you plan a lovely Christmas morning with DH and DD, and then leave DM’s early so you have plenty of time at home relaxing together as a family?

Essentially treat the trip to your mum’s as a flying visit in the middle of your nice Christmas at home (I don’t think you can not go without looking petulant, but you can shorten the visit easily enough).

It’s a pity that you won’t get much time with your parents, but since that is happening regardless of what you do, you might as well spend those hours happily at home instead of getting frustrated at your mum’s. Maybe you can visit her over the weekend before the extra guests arrive and have some family time?

It's your DM's house and your DM's invite. She can invite anyone she likes and sort out seating arrangements whiichever way she wants. You not wanting to go because there will be two people you haven't met before is a bit mean. If your social anxiety is affecting you so much, are you getting any help? The rest of your reasons sound like excuses and the 'spotlight on DD' stuff makes you sound spoilt.

Thing is that she didn't invite them, knowing what my DB is like he invited them without any consideration to her or anyone else. I realise my anxiety is what has made me feel so angry about it, and after a day to calm down I feel more ready to talk to my DM about it. I never said that the invite should be rescinded or that I wasn't going to go, I just feel disappointed that yet again other people are taking priority over me. Having DD is making it easier to be more assertive though

I am sorry but you sound like you want to manipulate your DM as much as you claim your brother is manipulating her. Why are other people taking priority over you? Why are your wishes over your mother's guest list take priority over your mother's wishes? Typically when someone wants to fully control the guest list they host, not pester their host to invite their list of guests. And certainly not threaten not to turn up unless other guests are not invited, all because of very fickle reasons to dislike their presence.

Typically if someone wants to control a guest list they can but DM is a total walkover with DB's demands. She's confirmed he made it "very difficult to say no" and that she didn't really want "random people" either!! DB won't host because it doesn't suit him to. Much nicer for him to invite them to her house without any consideration to anyone-- else. Anyway it's her issue that she can't stand up to any of his demands- I've told her that we won't be doing all the running around in future years or capitulating to my narcissistic egomaniacal brother--

My crystal ball sees a sick baby the night before a scheduled meeting with a controlling twat and his rando mates.

I feel a bit sorry for your mum, it sounds like she's stuck between the two of you, I bet she isn't able to please either of you whatever she does.

If she hadn't created enabled my DB I would feel sorry for her too

Oh god you've made me realise I'm having a PFB moment this year!!

Don't put yourself through it. We have an 8 month old and said from the get go we are staying on our own so we don't have this kind of stress

I think you have a right to be annoyed that the first christmas with your baby will also include some randoms you dont know.

If you dont want to breastfeed in front of them i would plan ahead and tell your mum you want to use their bedroom etc, equally if you dont want people you dont know holding your baby you absolutely dont have too.

I think your right not to cancel but i personally would make sure any families pictures on the day dont include the interlopers as that would annoy me years later.

DD has turned into a really faffy feeder meaning that quite often I'm sat there with boob & nipple completely exposed hence my reticence to feed in front of randoms. I just want to feel comfortable not piled in a room full of coats

Anyway, we're going & at least they'll be people to take family pictures

*there'll

You're not staying over, so it's just a few hours, right? Can't you just soldier through it somehow? I don't see why it is such a huge deal.

The arrangement isn't what you were expecting and that's a pity. Of course you can't stay away this year with such short notice. But now you know this sort of thing is likely to happen, you can avoid it next time.

Next year, decline the invitation straightaway and make other arrangements where you can be more in control. Go to PILs if you can be sure they will keep the gathering small as you like, or stay home. Visit your parents on another day in the holidays instead.

Well today has passed, DB was too hungover to cook so DF sorted lunch. Found out randoms are staying ALL Christmas (eve/day/boxing) and haven't lifted a finger!

Was pretty glad to get out of there as DD's first Christmas has coincided with her first cold so we're running on fumes after very little sleep last night. Journey home was quite cathartic for both myself & DH

Highlight was DB telling DM that he was probably going to take all the booze random friend bought as gift for her back to his as he was having a NYE party & didn't have anything in might have to see if that's worthy of a CF of the year award....

And soon you start paving the way for your own little family Christmas at home next year!

Damn right

Did you have a nice day with your friends Rainy?

I did thank you. I don't think anyone was grumpy that I was there. I tried to be helpful anyway, and unobtrusive, and took gifts, and bottles of everything I knew I'd want to drink, and I certainly didn't steal alcohol for a NYE party like your DB