Christmas & PFB

[woundedbutwalking]

I think I might be having my first PFB moment.

Back story: Christmas is always a huge negotiation in my family, my mum always does what ever my younger brother instructs asks for. E.g. will move Christmas from family home to his house in different part of the country on "my year" to be with my parents (alternate between my Parents & PIL's). Massive amounts of emotional blackmail on years with PIL's

This is 1st year with DD, so have tried to keep everyone happy by saying I'll drive & we'll visit everyone. I've just found out he's invited 4 extra people over to my DM's. So she's going to be hosting 8 people rather than 4, 2 of whom no-one apart from my DB has ever met before.

Apart from a bit of social anxiety on my part, physically there's not room for 10 people in my DM's house. I'm still bf'ing so that's going to be awkward, plus how are my parents going to spend any time with my DD if they've got 4 extra people to host? And she's only 5mo & finds big groups of people a bit overwhelming.

AIBU to be pissed off & how do I deal with this sensitively?!

Fuck that's long!

Start your own traditions now and stick to them. When my kids were young I travelled to Grandparents every Christmas Day and now both my DS tell me they always wanted to stay at home with their toys. You don’t get the years back so do what YOU want.

Change the format now! Dd1’s first Xmas day was full of people visiting us, us driving round visiting others. Never again!

At some point you will end up with an overtired child, fed up with being passed round relatives and having every toy shaken in their face because the toy nanny/uncle/fred-next-door has bought is the best and must be played with.

Ever since that first fatal Xmas, we’ve had Xmas day at home. It is our children’s day. Friends and family are welcome to visit around that day, and we might invite parents if we feel like it. Often mine already have plans and the Pil might umm and arr, but we are clear it is an invite, a request and not a summons. It is a lot less stressful knowing that our children can play or not as they wish.

Of course, we have a son now, with adhd and Xmas can be very stressful for him. So cutting down on the obligations and stress round ‘the big day’, him knowing he can retreat to his room and play with familiar toys, means we are all a lot more chilled.

I find it quite hard not to have some sympathy for your brother. His sister evidently dislikes him, blames him for decisions that her mother actually makes, and wants this Christmas to be entirely about her child (who is five months old and will have absolutely no concept that Christmas is different to any other day!), with no one allowed to divert their attention to other guests. I'd probably want a couple of mates to help me through that too.

Have I understood correctly then that the four randoms he's invited are actually his own wife, his parents-in-law and an elderly friend of his parents-in-law?

Because he sounds kind. Your mum sounds kind. Do you know she was pressured into it, or did she prefer this to him alternating between her and his pil every year?

I really do think you're being pfb. I wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to be at home at Christmas. I think you should definitely do that next year. But to drop out now, making it obvious it's because of these guests, will make them, your mum and your brother feel absolutely awful.

And I genuinely don't understand your objections.

You think your mum will be too busy to play with your dd, but she'll have more help, and there will be more people to entertain your dd anyway.

You say your dd doesn't like crowds but 8 people isn't a crowd, and maybe it's good to start socialising her early so that she doesn't grow up with the same social anxieties that you have.

I don't know. I'll admit it's touched a nerve. My friend has invited me to his family Christmas, his sister is hosting. I've never met any of them. I'm so touched to be invited, and was looking forward to it. I've asked so many times if it's ok, I'd be mortified if people were complaining about us being there.

It really seems this is not about the extra people at all, but rather a chance to punish your brother and mum for perceived slights over the year. It sounds like they hurt you so you want to manipulate the situation to hurt them.

You are massively over thinking this your baby won't care if their are five people or ten.
Your smile will still cuddle her just as much , the random adults are not going to be sat on her knee.
You can breastfeed in front of people , just turn away slightly when you latch baby on if you feel self conscious. It's not like you have a newborn and feeding constantly and struggling to get the hang of it.

*there.

The randoms are my brother's friend & his friend's mum, who my family (apart from DB & SIL) have never met before. I'm fine about DB's BIL & his GF as have met them a couple of times before. I guess I feel anxious about it because I bend over backwards to keep everyone happy all the fucking time at Xmas & this year feels a bit harder because of PFB DD. I know DD won't know anything about it, but I will and so will my DH.

Then stop bending over backwards and do your own thing.

So because of 2 people you want to just not go?

I understand you have social anxiety, but it seems like you are just throwing your toys out of the pr a bit.

Don’t go if you don’t want to. It sounds like you didn’t want to go in the first place. But it’s manipulative to say that just because you don’t know everyone there you won’t be attending.

I don't understand why you can't just stay at home? Do you want your mum to uninvite your brother's friends so you can go? Just tell her you want to stay at home if they're coming.

It does come across a bit as you wanting your mum to pick her granddaughter over her son, OP. That's not a nice position to put her in.

If you don't want to go, don't go but don't make your mum choose sides as there will be no winners! If you want to stay at home next year then lay the groundwork when you go round this year.

Time to put your own stamp on Christmas op.
Your dd will prefer to be at home - and stick to it - every year.

You are being a bit mean really, I always think the more the merrier at Christmas if people are going to be on thier own

DS1 first xmas he was 3 days old. We drove down to Devon to MILs and there was BILs flatmate there for lunch who I’d never met, stepFILs young children who We had only met a couple of times (and ended up going up late on Christmas Day as one of them missed her mum too much so they had to drive 4 hours to come get them)
When I wanted to feed I just went up stairs out the way

Another year we went to our best friends parents for lunch, there was best friend, his parents, his 3 siblings, us and 2 small children and a lovely Nigerian woman with 6 kids, they were refugees who had Sen thier Father killed in front of them, I didn’t begrudge sharing xmas with them.

I think you're being PFB personally and my mum would flip at me if I phoned mid December to say I wasn't coming for Christmas because other people had been extended the same kind invitation I had. That's really manipulative.

Are they just going for the meal, or staying over?

If it’s just the meal, YABabitU - it’s annoyingly but it’ll only be a couple of hours, and you can commandeer a bedroom for DD’s naps and feeds, and suggest “a nice walk” or something afterwards to get a bit of a break from them all. Or just arrive later in the morning and leave mid-afternoon. Grumpy babies are a great excuse to be on your way.

If you are all staying over, YANBU. It’s bad enough doing overnights away from home with a baby without random people crashed out in the living room and queues for the bathroom.

Stay home and start your own family traditions!

OP, my mum always says I can do what I like at Christmas, this year me and DP are having Christmas Day at home and she is barely speaking to me now. Still I’m not giving in because we are our own family now and she also invites this absolutely awful woman who bullies me and hits my dog. My mum is free to invite who she likes, just as I am free not to spend time with people who are horrible to me.

Sounds like it’s time to start your own traditions with your DD 😊

Why do you keep enabling your DB and mum to take the piss out of you?
Stand up for yourself!

Tell them that this doesn't work for you so you will be spending xmas with pil.
Guilt trips - throw the truth back in their faces very bluntly.
Tell your mum you won't participate in her mollycoddling and enabling of DB selfish, and quite frankly, entitled behaviour.

Your feelings matter just as much as theirs - remember that the next time you think about capitulating simply because you feel 'guilty'.
They've trained you to always put them first and yourself at the bottom of the que accepting whatever scraps of attention they throw your way.

Don't allow them to ruin your first xmas with your baby.
Your dc won't remember any of it but you will......and i doubt you will enjoy being made to feel uncomfortable, self-conscious and even less of a priority than usual.

Personally, i think your DB inviting 'other' people is his way of taking the attention away from your baby and also making a point that this new addition to the 'family' is not that big of a deal....and with everyone falling over themselves to accomodate him and his wishes that's exactly the message they will be sending to you.

It's all so passive aggressively toxic, OP.
Don't get sucked into it.

Personally, i think your DB inviting 'other' people is his way of taking the attention away from your baby and also making a point that this new addition to the 'family' is not that big of a deal...

That is a huge projection, and also a hugely self-absorbed way of looking at it. Her brother can do things without them being all about OP...

Just say that you've decided to stay at home then ask if your mum and dad would like to visit for Boxing Day.

Hardly a projection - it's my opinion based on the info given by the OP.
OP herself has said she thinks he behaves in a selfish, entitled and attention seeking manner because he is no longer the 'baby/youngest' in the family.
By inviting these 'randomers' he's making sure the 'spotlight' will be mainly on 'him and his than OP and her new baby.

Perhaps you're the brother margaret?

Do whatever you want but don't blame the other guests. I do think it's incredibly rude to drop out now but that's just imo. There's always at least a couple of people I don't know at Christmas as my dad always invites anyone who may be on their own. I've also invited my share of "randoms!" That is Christmas spirit imo.

Are the other guests staying overnight too OP?

Its not unreasonable to want to stay home and start your own traditions but that doesn't sound as if that's the issue here, you're annoyed because other people have been invited. You obviously have issues rightly or wrongly about your mum and brother but making your mum choose between your bro and your DC is a bit childish, you sound just as bad tbh. Do you honestly expect to drop out now or for your mum to uninvite people because you feel your DC won't be the centre of attention? She won't know its Christmas anyway she's only 5 months old, plus she might get get loads of attention from the other guests anyway?