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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not having PIL for Christmas?

68 replies

PopTheXmasFizz · 16/12/2017 18:11

Name changed just for festive fun!

Long story short PIL moved to another part of the country 2 years ago, pretty much a full days drive just to get there. They now come down intermittently throughout the year and stay with SIL as she has the room but we don't.

Normally at Christmas we half the day, morning with DH's and afternoon at mine. Makes everyone happy. This year however SIL is saying we must host PIL for Xmas.

DH explained we don't have the room for anyone to stay over and we have already accepted to go to my mums for Xmas dinner as we thought we would see them as normal during the day.

Its now causing a bit of bad feeling as PIL want to come for 10 days in total but SIL says we must have them for at least 5 days and basically tough shit to my lot already having prepared for us to go there. Can't invite PIL to mine as they don't get on with my Dad.

AIBU for telling SIL that's it's her problem, it's her parents and if she doesn't want to have them for that long then she should tell them it doesn't suit??

OP posts:
Splinterz · 16/12/2017 18:14

What does your DH think?

Splinterz · 16/12/2017 18:14

It is unfair that your DH doesn't share the PIL time though, I can see why SIL feels put upon

PotteringAlong · 16/12/2017 18:14

I think all this should have been sorted 6 months ago and if you have plans to go somewhere at Christmas you should say that they cannot be changed with 9 days to go.

Don’t go down the “they’re your parents line” because, you know, they are your dh’s Parents too. You might have to reconsider for next year. But this year cannot be changed.

Tinselistacky · 16/12/2017 18:16

As an adult you certainly should def not be changing your already made plans for sil. Assume your dh agreed with the initial plan so he can't be pissing you off to please his dsis. Tell her sorry put your plans are made. End of.

Flicketyflack · 16/12/2017 18:17

Decide with your DH what you want to do & then discuss with your PIL. SIL can do what she likes! 😉

YellowMakesMeSmile · 16/12/2017 18:17

Surely you can compromise? They are his parents not just hers.

I'd give up my room to host parents at Christmas, it's a time for family.

I'd be most cross if DH said my family couldn't come but we were spending the day with his.

MissEliza · 16/12/2017 18:18

I'm a bit sympathetic to your sil as I'm the one who always has to host my parents at Xmas as db and his dw make loads of excuses. I also feel sorry for your PILs as they're being treated like they are a burden. This is a bit last minute to sort it out though as you've made plans for the big day. Can you have them at some point in the holidays?

FuzzyCustard · 16/12/2017 18:20

Hard to do anything this year, but it a bit unfair that SIL has to host PIL every year. She might want down time too.
Sort something different for next year - local hotel, for example.

Movablefeast · 16/12/2017 18:25

Can't you put them up at a local B & B and have them over as much as possible?

Flicketyflack · 16/12/2017 18:28

Make a decision based on your relationship with your husband & you. Please don't be swayed by guilt or others expectations & experiences because we all have different relationships with family. Sad

Original poster
PopTheXmasFizz · 16/12/2017 18:29

DH agrees we can't have them staying and we certainly can't give up our room as we share with our DS who's 4 months old. It's a 1 bedroom flat. The only place would be for us to sleep on the living room floor which would be fine for 1 night but not for 4/5 nights and I wouldn't ask PIL to sleep there either. It also means PIL would have to go to bed at 8pm which they wouldn't have as they like late nights talking.

I wouldn't have my mum and dad staying either they know how small the flat is. I dont think it's fair for SIL to host every year but I can't see any other solution.

OP posts:
FreshStartToday · 16/12/2017 18:30

Would your mum put you up for a day or two and you let your in-laws have your place? That gets them out of your sil's hair and you out of their way!

Flicketyflack · 16/12/2017 18:31

I would be honest & say exactly that, or get your husband too. It is not practical. Smile

Blackteadrinker77 · 16/12/2017 18:34

Why does your SIL feel like she can just tell you what you are doing?

Did she invite them for the 10 days?

Is there a local hotel?

Atalune · 16/12/2017 18:36

Hotel or B and B?

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 16/12/2017 18:36

Well, you can't host them for Christmas dinner as you won't be home. That's pretty simple. There are maybe things you could offer though - although I'd offer them to PIL not SIL. They're not stray dogs to be shuffled around. It's not up to SIL to organise them. The most she can do is say to PIL that 10 days is too long (although she should have said it a month ago).

Could you spend a few days with them after Christmas, if they can stay in a b&b overnight? Could they come to you for breakfast or the evening, on Christmas day? Could you invite them for next Christmas, now?

ijustwannadance · 16/12/2017 18:41

Your SIL should say no to her parents ifshe doesn"t want to host. Don't really blame her for not wanting to do it every bloody year.

PIL need to book a B+B or hotel.

LouHotel · 16/12/2017 18:45

I think your SIL needs to say to her parents she can only hosts for 5 days.

Your DH then needs to be the one to explain to them why he cant host.

Ita not fair that SIL has to be the bad guy, it shouldnt fall to the daughters to look after parents all the time.

ChristmasFOG · 16/12/2017 18:46

A 1 bed flat with a 4 mth old baby puts a different spin on it.

However, I also think it is unfair that your SIL hosts them all the time. How big is her house? Even if she has a big house with a designated guest room it can be draining to host for such a long time - I'm guessing your PIL aren't completely easy if there are tensions with your own DP?

Presumably your PIL can't afford a B&B/Travelodge/airBnB? That would be the obvious choice and then you just host them for meals. Maybe it is time to discuss splitting this cost between you all?

It is far too late for your SIL to suddenly expect you to host Christmas dinner when you weren't even going to be cooking it! However, I wouldn't just keep expecting her to keep doing this...she is clearly fed up.

Goldmandra · 16/12/2017 18:46

Your PIL should be making their own arrangements.

If your SIL doesn't want to host them for 10 days, she needs to discuss that with them.

If they would like to stay with you, they can discuss that with you themselves.

I wouldn't engage with treating your PIL like children who need babysitting. It's insulting and just likely to cause bad feeling.

Gemini69 · 16/12/2017 18:47

10 DAYS ?! Xmas Hmm

no chance......

Kochicoo · 16/12/2017 18:50

I think you have to try and at least look like you are going to try to share some of the work with SIL. It's only fair because your DH is equally responsible. It's not just "SIL's problem". I do understand you can't host them in a one bed flat though so I'm not sure what you can offer to do. Take them out some days to give SIL a break? Or have them to yours in the daytime?

My Mum hosted her DM and DB for 33 years and one year she wanted a break and to go away. She asked her other DB if they could have DB1 to stay for one year. She asked in the August and DB2 said no. Made DB1 feel awful and everyone blamed my DM for a while.

Good luck

LakieLady · 16/12/2017 18:51

Your SIL is BU in not sorting this sooner. It's a bit much to try and dictate who hosts when and who goes where 10 days before the event when your plans have been made.

She's also BU by not getting that you don't have room for people to stay.

Might she have suddenly realised she doesn't actually want them around for 10 whole days?

Iloveacurry · 16/12/2017 18:51

Well your SIL should say they can only stay for 5 days, then they need to go home! Who would want their PILs in a one bed flat for 5 days? Or they stay in a hotel or b&b.

OhNoFuckADuck · 16/12/2017 18:53

Well PIL don't have to stay with SIL - they can stay in a hotel or B&B surely. Nor do they have to be hosted by either of you on Christmas Day. They might actually prefer to eat out than to be grudgingly hosted and in any case you already have plans by the sounds of it. Maybe you could host them on Christmas Eve?