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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Not having PIL for Christmas?

68 replies

PopTheXmasFizz · 16/12/2017 18:11

Name changed just for festive fun!

Long story short PIL moved to another part of the country 2 years ago, pretty much a full days drive just to get there. They now come down intermittently throughout the year and stay with SIL as she has the room but we don't.

Normally at Christmas we half the day, morning with DH's and afternoon at mine. Makes everyone happy. This year however SIL is saying we must host PIL for Xmas.

DH explained we don't have the room for anyone to stay over and we have already accepted to go to my mums for Xmas dinner as we thought we would see them as normal during the day.

Its now causing a bit of bad feeling as PIL want to come for 10 days in total but SIL says we must have them for at least 5 days and basically tough shit to my lot already having prepared for us to go there. Can't invite PIL to mine as they don't get on with my Dad.

AIBU for telling SIL that's it's her problem, it's her parents and if she doesn't want to have them for that long then she should tell them it doesn't suit??

OP posts:
Namechangetempissue · 16/12/2017 18:53

Agree with the B&B, although you have all left it very late in the month and you may struggle to get one.
I can see both sides though to be honest. If my parents really wanted to come and stay I would be prepared to pop up a blow up mattress and they could sleep in the front room (surely then they can stay up later talking quietly or watching TV at a low volume) BUT I have a very good relationship with my parents so it depends how you all get on I suppose.

Jaxhog · 16/12/2017 18:55

You already have plans and it's less than 2 weeks until Christmas. Unless your SIL has had a major emergency, I'd stick to my guns.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/12/2017 18:55

Hate it when relatives move away, then expect to come and stay for days on end. Your pil are being very unfair to your sil and have put her in a really uncomfortable situation. No one wants to tell their parents that they are not welcome.
Perhaps your dh could help her by talking to them about how much strain it outs on one person to host all the time and that maybe they should stay in a hotel sometimes.
I bet sil's dh id less than thrilled with this arrangement every year. What if they wanted to go away thrmselves or see his family?

alleypalley · 16/12/2017 18:56

No way would I be letting my sil dictate that to me. If my dh wanted to have his parents to stay that would be another conversation, but I wouldn’t be letting sil tell us that’s what was happening,

I feel sorry for her if they’ve invited themselves rather than she’s invited them but she needs to figure out how to have that conversation with them.

And leaving it all until the week before Christmas is madness.

diddl · 16/12/2017 18:58

So when you say that you usually see PILs, is that at SILs?

At Christmas & everytime they visit?

If they stay with SIL could they do any visits/meals to you to take some pressure off her?

It sounds as if she's pissed off with always hosting.

That said, they can't invite themselves for 10days!

OnTheRise · 16/12/2017 18:58

You obviously don't have room if three of you live in a one-bedroom flat. And your SIL is being unreasonable in making these demands of you now.

Tell her you're sorry but you just don't have the room. If your PIL wants to stay longer than she can host him for, he can find a hotel. Easy.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 16/12/2017 18:59

It’s just over a week until Christmas, this should have been agreed months ago. Hosting is a huge expense you can’t be expected to sort it all in the time that’s left and to expect to put them up for more than a night or two in your place is totally unreasonable.
Could you compromise by offering to host Xmas eve or Boxing Day?
Your DH really needs to talk to his sister, it isn’t fair that it’s all on her but maybe things can change next year.

happypoobum · 16/12/2017 19:04

I would stay right out of it. Not your problem really.

Did SIL originally agree to host PILS for ten days and now thinks it's too much? Or have PILS suddenly forced an extended stay unexpectedly?

Either way it is clear you cannot host them. If SIL doesn't want to have PILS for more than five days then they will have to get a hotel if they want to stay for ten days.

If you weren't involved in the original arrangements then I would just sit back and let them get on with it.

scrabbler3 · 16/12/2017 19:04

10 days is quite a lengthy stay. Even if they're coming from the opposite end of the UK, it seems a lot.

You could offer to take them on a few days out (if they fancy it) so they SiL gets some down time.

Original poster
PopTheXmasFizz · 16/12/2017 19:05

SIL doesn't want them for 10 days but they always invite themselves and she's never had the guts to say no. They want to go back in time for new year so they can have a drink and relax (SIL refuses all alcohol in her home)

I do feel for her, they can afford a local hotel but they feel it's their right to stay whenever they want. Normally I avoid all their family issues/politics and let DH deal with it not sure why I'm bothering this year

OP posts:
RemotesNotFuckingWorking · 16/12/2017 19:06

1, A week before Christmas.
2, You have a 1 bed flat.
3, You share a room with your 4 month old.
4, You have already made Christmas arrangements.

Tell SIL no.

JennyWoodentop · 16/12/2017 19:09

I agree with others that this should have been discussed ages ago not foisted on you now.

SIl is perfectly reasonable not to want to host her parents for 10 days this or any other Christmas. She has fallen into being default host and there's nothing wrong with her wanting to do something else. But this is a discussion she should have with her parents, it is not your problem to solve for her. You can't host in a 1 bed flat with a baby unless you really choose to - and she doesn't get to demand you make that choice - blow up beds for 5 days on the living room floor may be OK for some people, but not everyone.

If this had been raised earlier there would have been options - a shorter visit, hotel, B&B etc it's all a bit late now.

Is this really coming from SIL - or is it coming from PIL ? Did she say she's happy to host for 5 days, they are insisting on 10, so she said well then stay with PopTheXmasFizz for the other 5 days? That puts a different spin on it if she's being reasonable but trying to set limits with them, PIL could be the unreasonable ones.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 16/12/2017 19:10

You already have plans. You tell your SIL she's allowed to say no to her parents. How far away to they live that they ahve to stay so long?

Original poster
PopTheXmasFizz · 16/12/2017 19:10

diddl they always stay with SIL when they visit but do come over to ours to see us and have meals etc. We can't have them Xmas eve as they have plans with friends and Boxing Day they are going to see a show apparently. We are always squeezed in to see them

OP posts:
JennyWoodentop · 16/12/2017 19:14

I cross posted with you - PIL are the unreasonable ones aren't they? I feel sorry for SIL, that doesn't mean I think you should host for 5 days with your current set up and already made plans, but she's stuck isn't she. Fine for you to keep out of DH family politics, but if he & SIL get on well maybe they could work something out for the future.

Blackteadrinker77 · 16/12/2017 19:14

SIL needs to get a back bone and tell them no, only xyz number of days.

OnTheRise · 16/12/2017 19:15

It's your SIL's problem if she can't say no to them. You cannot host him, you don't have room. She's trying to pass her own problems onto you. She should be able to tell them she can't have them for ten days.

I really don't think any of this is your problem.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/12/2017 19:15

Sil is going to have to man up and tell them no. Your dh should support her. But don't allow her to make this your problem by passing the buck. Pil need telling - it is beyond unreasonable of thrm to regularly invite themselves to someone else's house, but all the time no 9ne has the botyle to say no, they will continue to impose.

diddl · 16/12/2017 19:15

So if you do have them over & can't put them up, it's hard to see what she wants you to do tbh.

Even to ask you to have them for 5days & them not stay over would be a big ask-especially as no big emergency has arisen.

She just doesn't want to do what she has said she would.

LoveInTokyo · 16/12/2017 19:19

If SIL doesn't have the guts to tell them they can't come and stay with her for 10 days then that's her problem. She can't force you to invite them to stay with you when you obviously don't have room.

If they could come for less time or stay in a B&B but they decide they're going to come for 10 days and expect to be put up, somebody needs to explain that it's not really realistic.

Even if you didn't have a baby I think it would be reasonable to say no if you live in a one bed flat.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 16/12/2017 19:26

Of course YANBU. 1) You haven't got anywhere to put them and 2) You've already made your plans.

It sucks to be your SIL, but this is her lookout.

ChristmasFOG · 16/12/2017 19:27

Yes, definitely YANBU.

Your DH could help by supporting your SIL with some boundaries with PIL. Yes, she got manipulated into this set-up by PIL but she is clearly struggling with it.

Your PIL are being unreasonable inviting themselves to stay for 10 days. It speaks volumes that your SIL doesn't feel able to have an open and honest conversation with them about it and they don't seem to have even considered staying in a hotel.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/12/2017 19:31

The other thing is that this 8s a l9ng term problem - it can't be fixed by sucking it up for one Christmas, even if you could do it, which you clearly can't. Your sil and your dh are going to have to talk to pil and tell them they are asking too much.

KnowItNo · 16/12/2017 19:32

Your DH needs to support his sister more. My DB is very happy to hand over responsibility to me and my sisters too - love our parents but it's just shit that the daughters are always the ones to look after DPs (we are all very grateful for the fab support we had from DPs growing up btw - not got a problem with that but do have a problem with his "the girls will handle it" attitude).

Blackteadrinker77 · 16/12/2017 19:36

I didn't realise there was a girls handle it thing until reading this thread.