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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU Not having PIL for Christmas?

68 replies

PopTheXmasFizz · 16/12/2017 18:11

Name changed just for festive fun!

Long story short PIL moved to another part of the country 2 years ago, pretty much a full days drive just to get there. They now come down intermittently throughout the year and stay with SIL as she has the room but we don't.

Normally at Christmas we half the day, morning with DH's and afternoon at mine. Makes everyone happy. This year however SIL is saying we must host PIL for Xmas.

DH explained we don't have the room for anyone to stay over and we have already accepted to go to my mums for Xmas dinner as we thought we would see them as normal during the day.

Its now causing a bit of bad feeling as PIL want to come for 10 days in total but SIL says we must have them for at least 5 days and basically tough shit to my lot already having prepared for us to go there. Can't invite PIL to mine as they don't get on with my Dad.

AIBU for telling SIL that's it's her problem, it's her parents and if she doesn't want to have them for that long then she should tell them it doesn't suit??

OP posts:

KnowItNo · 16/12/2017 19:45

Blacktea - he and SIL make a much bigger effort with her parents because SIL has no brothers and... "the girls will handle it"

LazyDailyMailJournos · 16/12/2017 19:50

No, no, no.

SIL needs to put her big girl pants on - and instead of trying to make it your problem, she needs to put her foot down. PIL need to be told that they may want to dictate when and how long they come for, but that she's not running a hotel so they will have the option of accepting the times she offers - and that if they don't like it they can sod off to a hotel.

You have no room to host them and it's the week before Xmas. Tell SIL sorry but no as it's simply not possible, however you are happy to back her up if she wants to tell PIL not to be so unreasonable.

curryforbreakfast · 16/12/2017 19:53

SIL doesn't want them for 10 days but they always invite themselves and she's never had the guts to say no

That's her problem not yours. Just tell her straight, you have plans already and there is no room for them to stay. Do not discuss it further.

Original poster

PopTheXmasFizz · 16/12/2017 20:04

Thank you all for your replies. It's such an awkward situation and I totally agree it's crap that the daughters are always expected to handle things. DH has said he's going to speak to SIL and sort it

OP posts:

KnowItNo · 16/12/2017 20:24

Great OP - your SIL does need to learn to stand up for herself with her DPs but having her DB - who has ducked out in the past - by her side is the right thing for everyone. Good Luck and hope you have a great Christmas.

violetbunny · 16/12/2017 21:44

SIL is making this your problem, but the issue is that PIL are imposing themselves for 10 days when it's not convenient for family to accommodate them for that length of time. They need to sort out their own accommodation for any days either you or SIL can't accommodate them, or else cut their trip short.

Tatiannatomasina · 16/12/2017 21:51

Cut out the middle man and contact inlaws direct. Tell them you have 1 bed and its madness to expect them to cram in with you for days on end. Sil can want what she wants, but the reality is there is no room at the inn

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 21:55

I hope that when DH speaks to SIL to sort it out he isn't going to tell her to suck it up, or to do all the standing up to them standing on her own. I hope he will be offering to help her shorten their visit.

Ilovefoodtoomuch · 16/12/2017 23:09

I agrees with the 'girls' thing. My DM lives alone, has lots of friends, and even more holidays ! But it always falls on my to have her for Xmas while my DB and his partner make plans with her family or go out for Xmas dinner. It's just assumed that I will have our Mum - even after a fall out last year where she told me how much she dislikes being at my house ! Still she expects to come. I told my DB the other day that it's his turn to have her - he laughed. 😳

LoniceraJaponica · 16/12/2017 23:14

Surely the PIL know there is no room at yours anyway, so they wouldn't expect to stay with you.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2017 23:22

Someone needs to tell her NO.

KnowItNo · 16/12/2017 23:40

My DB has 4 daughters and is genuinely delighted with all of them but, yes, went for the 3rd and 4th hoping for a boy if he's honest.

At DP's 'special' wedding anniversary he made a speech and actually thanked his sisters for organising it all and said that the good thing about having girls was that his DC would always look him and SIL... witty banter at a speech... until you realise there's many a truth spoken in jest.

PinkCrystal · 17/12/2017 01:13

I have never had relatives to stay (apart from my older DC) and could never cope with it. Luckily we don't have room with 5DC. Short visits of few hours only and I don't cook either other than a buffet. You don't have to host. They can stay nearby and drop in or have a day out with you.

LadyB49 · 17/12/2017 01:28

Could PIL stay/sleep at SIL but for at least 5 of these days the pIL come to yours for the whole day starting with breakfast.
Christmas Day would not be one of these days.

Original poster

PopTheXmasFizz · 17/12/2017 03:01

PIL don't really like coming to ours due to the size, doubt they could last a full day! DH has told SIL to say it's not suitable for that length of time and he's happy to back her up. Neither of them are great at standing up to PIL sadly. I know it's their parents but they are very entitled and fully expect to be put up as and when they require for however long they want, until they have better plans of course.

OP posts:

DivisionBelle · 17/12/2017 07:58

I’m glad your DH is going to speak to her, and hopefully find a way to take some of tne pressure off.

“SIL doesn't want them for 10 days but they always invite themselves and she's never had the guts to say no”

“That's her problem not yours. Just tell her straight, you have plans already and there is no room for them to stay. Do not discuss it further.”

Easy to say when you are the sibling who isn’t expected (because it’s always the daughter,) and has the Perfect get out (of a small flat) .

Maybe siblings can work together to look after parents? Maybe siblings can have a bit of understanding for each other?

I don’t really see why you couldn’t consider hosting them just for Xmas dinner one year, or taking them to your Ps for the dinner (if your parents would agree), or even why you couldn’t travel to them next year.

sparkly01 · 17/12/2017 09:36

Oh dear so awkward. And there’s no way around it without someone’s feelings being hurt.

I know this might sound harsh but it is them that chose to move away and they do have to realise that it may not be easy for them to come over for Xmas and stay for that length of time. I know family is important, especially at Christmas but long extended stays are difficult. There’s no only space, but expense that comes with hosting people.

Looks like there are some difficult times/ conversations ahead.

Fluffyears · 17/12/2017 09:59

You can’t have two extra people in a one bedroom flat. SIL must be desperate to even suggest it!

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