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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP being a dick

63 replies

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 20:48

My DP is out Friday night for an xmas night out and is staying at the venue. No problem with this as it has been arranged for a long time. He informed me last week that he has decided to do something on the Saturday with his friends in the afternoon which will invariably involve drinking again. My DF has been critically ill and is marking a slow recovery and I've been under a lot of pressure with that and looking after my DD who is four, working full time. You get the picture. I'm also 20 weeks pregnant. I've asked my DH a couple of times if he could forgo the Saturday event as I am just maxed with stress after my DF being so ill, being pregnant and work etc. He flew off the handle at me about how I can't dictate his plans and he won't cancel them. I have no issue with the Friday night arrangements but drinking on a hangover on the Saturday will just ruin the weekend entirely and I'll be left looking after DD the whole weekend and then back to the grind on Monday. I'm at my limit with stress and the pregnancy is taking its toll on me. Aibu?

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/12/2017 20:52

He put himself instantly in the wrong when he did this He flew off the handle at me about how I can't dictate his plans and he won't cancel them.

That's a very odd reaction. Normal reaction of a partner is to see what they can do to help ease the load on you.

He has dictated your plans for the weekend by deciding to spend Saturday away and Sunday hungover. Why is he allowed to dictate what you do?

Original poster

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 20:55

Yes he has. I was hoping to be able to look after DD together on Saturday as I am just exhausted. I still have morning sickness and I am really starting to feel the effects of stress. Now my DF is starting to improve it's hitting me like a delayed reaction. I have a so much work to do in work and I'm dreading a weekend where I'm sole parenting then back to work on Monday. I feel sick thinking about it

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 12/12/2017 21:05

leave him to deal with your DD on sunday and book yourself a last minute spa day!

GladysKnight · 12/12/2017 21:05

Have you put this to him? That it basically leaves you sole parenting DD all weekend? - alternatively, is there something he can commit to doing with DD on Sunday, hangover or no hangover - or is he unable to control his drinking enough to make that a reliable offer? If he can't reliably step up on Sunday then you have a problem with him putting drink before dd & you.

And please - don't do any housework this weekend.

Starlighter · 12/12/2017 21:06

YADNBU!!

No problem with partners going out in normal circumstances but this is not normal circumstances! He’s being unbelievably inconsiderate and selfish.

And who is HE to dictate to YOU when he can just swan off while you look after your daughter?! Cheeky fucker.

PurpleMinionMummy · 12/12/2017 21:07

I'd sod off out sunday and leave dd with him. You already planned something and he can't dictate to you.....

RestingGrinchFace · 12/12/2017 21:08

He is being a dick. Unilaterally book a spa weekend for yourself the first weekend after that works for you and inform him if your plans, when he complains throw his own words back in his ungrateful face.

Original poster

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 21:09

He said he'd keep her on Sunday while he lies on the couch dying of a two day hangover. I've said no to that as it isn't fair on my DD to hang around her dad when he's feeling ill and can't be bothered doing anything.

I'm absolutely furious. He keeps telling me to palm DD off to his mum but she has been great while my dad has been unwell and it's unfair to ask her to look after DD just because he son can't cancel on one event.

OP posts:

isitme88 · 12/12/2017 21:09

Even if you didn't have all this additional stress, (sorry to hear about your DF, I know how tough that can be) it still isn't unreasonable to want your DH to not go out drinking twice in a row and spend time with family.
My OH went away last weeekend and I had the kids by myself after working full time. I am still recovering (and counting down the days till xmas)

Ashamedandblamed · 12/12/2017 21:09

Does he not realize once baby two is here his whole life is going to be dictated.

You cannot be expected to be the primary carer of two children Whilst he does as he
Pleases.

Bloody hell what a shock he is going to have.

GladysKnight · 12/12/2017 21:09

Yes quite, he's dictating to you. Ask him why he thinks he can dictate that you don't go and see your friends on Saturday, or swimming, or whatever, child-free.

VioletCharlotte · 12/12/2017 21:10

No, YANBU at all! Going out drinking Friday night AND Saturday daytime when you have a small child, and one on the way simply isn't on. I don't get why some men fail to realise that once they have children they can't continue to live the life of a 20 year old student 🙄

He was completely out of order to speak to you like that as well. Does he often behave like this?

Splinterz · 12/12/2017 21:11

book yourself a last minute spa day!
book a spa weekend for yourself

^^ The most ludicrous comment ever on MN perpetually regurgitated as some panacea for the worlds woes.

GladysKnight · 12/12/2017 21:12

I think you should take him up on his offer to have DD actually. If he is hungover he is probably about at the level of kids' tv and tottering to the swings. As long as he's not still too drunk to be responsible, I'd say don't refuse his offer.

sparklepops123 · 12/12/2017 21:13

First of all he is going out twice ,ok .. your father is really ill ..well u might need to be around so so does he , but your pregnant as well ? Noooo wouldn't be happening here. Get him told to man up

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2017 21:13

How often does he do this kind of thing, how often does he go out socialising with his friends?

user1493413286 · 12/12/2017 21:15

I wouldn’t be happy being left with out DD the whole of Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday being taken up with a hangover and that’s without being pregnant or having an ill family member

Original poster

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 21:16

He said I often try to sotop him socialising with his friends....he was out at the start of December and before that he hadn't been out for 6 weeks and was moaning about how awful it was. I don't mind him going out - I enjoy going out with my friends too. It's the two day drinking and the fact that my life has gone to shit with all the stuff that's happened with DF, having awful morning sickness that is only starting to lift, a full time job that is pretty stressful, a child to look after and a house that looks like a bomb has hit it.

OP posts:

sparklepops123 · 12/12/2017 21:17

AND you have a younger one AND work ... hell NO,what does he actually do for you ?

ichbineinstasumer · 12/12/2017 21:18

He is being unreasonable, and he knows he is being un reasonable - that's why he is lashing out, try aggression when you know you can't win a rational argument.

Original poster

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 21:18

I have vomited pretty much every day since I was 6 weeks pregnant and I was hospitalised at 12 weeks for sever dehydration. I'm struggling to get it together.

OP posts:

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 12/12/2017 21:21

If he enjoys going out so much maybe he shouldn't have decided to have a second child. How do so many women end up with men like this?
I had terrible morning sickness op and I couldn't have coped with a young child on my own as well, plus being exhausted from full time work. I don't know what the solution is for this (I mean I know what I'd do) but no you're not BU.

Rudgie47 · 12/12/2017 21:23

He sounds selfish and immature.
You cant have the responsibilities of a partner/wife and family and the social life of a single person. Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it as well.
I'd be talking to him OP, you dont want to end up like my Mum did with my Dad out every night and both days at the weekend, boozing with his mates.

sparklepops123 · 12/12/2017 21:23

Be "really ill " and need to spend the weekend in bed - take plenty mags / choc / etc , hidden,let him cope - just make sure he not doing it in front of tv

Wills · 12/12/2017 21:25

I suspect you already know that his 'having her on Sunday' is unlikely to happen. Also - is DD also his child? If so then her care is a joint responsibility and he shouldn't act as though he's doing you a favour. If not then since little one is presumably his then he needs to get his act together.

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