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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP being a dick

63 replies

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 20:48

My DP is out Friday night for an xmas night out and is staying at the venue. No problem with this as it has been arranged for a long time. He informed me last week that he has decided to do something on the Saturday with his friends in the afternoon which will invariably involve drinking again. My DF has been critically ill and is marking a slow recovery and I've been under a lot of pressure with that and looking after my DD who is four, working full time. You get the picture. I'm also 20 weeks pregnant. I've asked my DH a couple of times if he could forgo the Saturday event as I am just maxed with stress after my DF being so ill, being pregnant and work etc. He flew off the handle at me about how I can't dictate his plans and he won't cancel them. I have no issue with the Friday night arrangements but drinking on a hangover on the Saturday will just ruin the weekend entirely and I'll be left looking after DD the whole weekend and then back to the grind on Monday. I'm at my limit with stress and the pregnancy is taking its toll on me. Aibu?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 12/12/2017 21:27

RunRabbitRunRabbit is completely right.

He sounds like a bit of a callous arse to me.

I'd definitely be booking a spa and telling him I will be away from the minute he arrives back from his weekend away until the end of my weekend away.

I think your husband sounds really sad, juvenile and selfish, I am so sorry. Maybe he needs to just grow up a bit. My mother died last year and my husband was incredibly supportive. I am glad your dad is recovering but it could have been different.

Flying off the handle is the last f-ing thing anyone should do to a stressed, pregnant woman.

Please make some time for yourself and ask your husband to think about whether he deserves you and the two fabulous children that you bring to the marriage!

speakout · 12/12/2017 21:28

book yourself a last minute spa day!
book a spa weekend for yourself

I hate these suggestions also.

It's not about tit for tat.

Italiangreyhound · 12/12/2017 21:28

(yes, I know you would not have the kids without him but pre-birth and post-birth you sound like you are doing the lioness share of the work!)

Italiangreyhound · 12/12/2017 21:29

speakout who said anything about tit for tat, maybe the OP could do with a spa, if I was stressed out and had the choice of a relaxing spa day or more childcare, I know what I would prefer.

speakout · 12/12/2017 21:33

Or perhaps the OP would just like a more involved parent, more time as a family when parents are both around so the pressure is less.

I know if my OH was going out on the piss a spa day wouldn't be the answer, I would want him to become more engaged with his family, not just to give me time off.

When two parents are around- at home or a day out, it's far easier than just one, and fun spending time as a whole family.

Far more important than playing ping pong with child care.

Mumsymcmumface · 12/12/2017 21:36

Why is he allowed to dictate what you do?

Eh?? By saying he can’t go op is dictating what he can do?

Whocansay · 12/12/2017 21:37

He knows full well he's being a selfish arsehole. That's why you got such a reaction. I would try talking to him again and be frank about how you are feeling and how what he is planning affects you and your child. If he insists on being a wanker, can you stay with a friend / family member for the weekend who can support you?

And I wouldn't be leaving my small child with a hungover man. He might be still drunk if he's had a big night. Why do people suggest this?

Mumof56 · 12/12/2017 21:40

I'll be left looking after DD the whole weekend

He said he'd keep her on Sunday

I've said no to that as it isn't fair on my DD to hang around her dad when he's feeling ill and can't be bothered doing anything

I have vomited pretty much every day since I was 6 weeks pregnant

Hmm
DownstairsMixUp · 12/12/2017 21:40

I'd be very ill Saturday when he got home. Wink

Italiangreyhound · 12/12/2017 21:41

speakout if the OP wants to be with her partner that's fine, of course, her call. I would nto fancy being around someone who flew off the handle at me. But I am sure the OP will do what is right for her if she is given the chance.

Original poster
theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 21:41

mumof56

Have I said something that displeases you?

OP posts:
speakout · 12/12/2017 21:43

italian- but if the OP has chosen to stay with this man ( and recently become pregnant with his child) we must assume that this is a course of action she wants to take.

She is looking for advice within her situation.

Personally I wouldn't be with a man like that- but this is the OP's life.

JaneEyre70 · 12/12/2017 21:43

I'd say yeah fine, and he'd come home to his bags packed neatly on the drive and the locks changed. Seriously.
That isn't a relationship, lovey, it's a dictatorship Flowers. I'm sorry you've had such a rough time of it.

Mumof56 · 12/12/2017 21:45

mumof56

Have I said something that displeases you?

Nope, but your posts are a bit contradictory.

He said he'd keep her Sunday, so you wouldn't be left looking after her the whole weekend.

It's not ok to mind her if he's ill, yet you have vomitted everyday.

Are you playing the bit of a martyr?

speakout · 12/12/2017 21:45

Have I said something that displeases you?

I think mumof56 has made a valid point.

Poisongirl81 · 12/12/2017 21:46

Exactly like my kids dad. Poor him.he can't see his mates. I left 8 years ago, best thing I ever did. These selfish men won't change...my oh now would never leave me poorly.

TwoKidsAndCounting · 12/12/2017 21:47

He is def be UR but OP how often does he do this?? It sounds like 2 day benders are the norm...they are the norm when you are young, free and swinging from lampshades but post kids your life has to change. If you are leaving it 4 years to try and install new rules then I think you have left it too late.

If it were me, I wouldn't leave the child with him, that wouldn't be fair on her, leave him to stew in his hungover, anxiety ridden juices, go out xmas shopping for the day with your DD and try and enjoy your day.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

Jux · 12/12/2017 21:48

He needs to grow up a bit.

Theimpossiblegirl · 12/12/2017 21:51

Not really, his illness can be easily avoided and he could take his DD out for a break (for her and her ill mum).
Severe morning sickness and a hangover are hardly the same.

Italiangreyhound · 12/12/2017 21:52

56 "Are you playing the bit of a martyr?" That's a really weird thing to say to a pregnant woman whose father has been very ill. Have you had a compassion bypass?

Whocansay · 12/12/2017 21:53

Mum realistically, he'd be hungover and wouldn't be looking after his child properly. Therefore the OP would have to do it. That isn't contradictory.

If you think the OP is a troll, report.

Crunchymum · 12/12/2017 21:54

Oh do behave.

He has offered to have the 2yo on the Sunday, but that doesn't mean he is going to be able to? I've known some arseholes get in such a state they are fit for nothing the next day - let alone looking after a toddler (and the partner is this scenario definitely seems to fall into the arsehole category!)

The OP is pregnant and has severe morning sickness, which is not the same as being incapacitated due to a 2 day bender?

Ethylred · 12/12/2017 21:56

How did he behave when you were in hospital?

RemainOptimistic · 12/12/2017 22:00

MIL could have DD but you're trying to protect her from her own son's behaviour OP? Why? Does MIL know he's planning a 2 day bender? If not why not? Why are you covering for him? Fuck it, that's his own bloody mother! Either she thinks great, 2 day bender no problem, love to spend time with GC, OR she'll rip him a new one. Either way you win OP. Get MIL involved to parent her own son.

marl · 12/12/2017 22:06

If you can bear it, I would suggest you leave DD with him on Sunday. Go out. And make sure MIL is unavailable. It is only after a few times experiencing sole childcare with a hangover he might learn that the pleasure is not worth the pain. If you always pick up the childcare, then things may only worsen by the time you have 2. Interestingly many of my friends when we had our first child carried on having big nights out/in together. 9-10 years down the line most of us rarely drink as much as we used to, nor do two nights in a row. I think this is because of remembering the pain of the morning-after-the night-before childcare.