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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP being a dick

63 replies

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 20:48

My DP is out Friday night for an xmas night out and is staying at the venue. No problem with this as it has been arranged for a long time. He informed me last week that he has decided to do something on the Saturday with his friends in the afternoon which will invariably involve drinking again. My DF has been critically ill and is marking a slow recovery and I've been under a lot of pressure with that and looking after my DD who is four, working full time. You get the picture. I'm also 20 weeks pregnant. I've asked my DH a couple of times if he could forgo the Saturday event as I am just maxed with stress after my DF being so ill, being pregnant and work etc. He flew off the handle at me about how I can't dictate his plans and he won't cancel them. I have no issue with the Friday night arrangements but drinking on a hangover on the Saturday will just ruin the weekend entirely and I'll be left looking after DD the whole weekend and then back to the grind on Monday. I'm at my limit with stress and the pregnancy is taking its toll on me. Aibu?

OP posts:

Iseesheep · 12/12/2017 22:07

I really don't see the issue. He's going out for a night and a day, hardly leaving you to cope alone whilst he's off for a month of debauchery. And yes, I have read that OP works, is pregnant, has morning sickness and has had an unwell father. Whilst I have sympathy it doesn't make the world stop turning.

The ritualistic MN cry of 'spa day' as some sort of punishment is so old hat. If you want to go to a spa just bloody go, don't wait for your partner to do something mildly irritating to validate it!

Original poster

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 22:10

ethylred he was good. My mum had DD that night and I was given fluids as lots of ketones in urine.

If I'm a martyr for having an ill father and bad morning sickness and wanting a bit of help then I'm quite happy to be a martyr and think I'm pretty normal.

Offering to take DD when he's dying of a two day hangover means he won't be in a fit state to look after her. I'm not daft

OP posts:

ShoesHaveSouls · 12/12/2017 22:12

Pregnancy sickness is not the same as hangover sickness.

OP - he is being a dick. He flew off thee handle at you dictating what he did - yet he's happy to dictate that you are left looking after your 4yr old.

I don't know what the solution is to DH's being dicks unfortunately - there seems to be a lot of it about judging by MN threads. Have you got stern/angry with him? Told him he cannot just make social arrangements and assume you will do the childcare? It is absolutely not ok for him do that - he could potentially either be out, or hungover and ill, the whole weekend.

LuluJakey1 · 12/12/2017 22:22

Does anyone book a last minute spa day/spa weekend for themselves? No one I know does. I th8nk it’s a MN myth.

Original poster

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 12/12/2017 22:24

I really don't like saunas, steam rooms or massages so a spa day is not going to solve my problems!

OP posts:

MeadowHay · 12/12/2017 22:28

I always find these threads confusing, cos no YANBU and DP is being a dick. However I think you already knew that? And I never know what to suggest because my DH would never do act so selfish.

I feel you on the sickness, I'm 13 weeks and have hyperemesis since week 6 so have been off work since then, practically bed bound with all the vomiting and was hospitalised once too. My DH was initially unemployed and now has a part-time job, all the time in-between he's essentially caring for me and doing all the household things as I'm now unable. He would never do anything like this, I struggle to see how anyone could be so selfish.

Viviennemary · 12/12/2017 22:30

If this is a one of for Christmas celebrations and I hadn't anything planned myself I'd probably reluctantly agree to it. But if it's a pattern of leaving you always to cope while he's off with his friends then you have a big problem. I agree that two children is a lot harder work and far more tiring than one child.

MikeAlphaMikeAlpha · 12/12/2017 22:42

OP.
Sorry you are suffering with morning sickness, it is the worst! And I'm sorry your dad is ill. Your other half's reaction to you asking him not to go on the Saturday is not on but he obviously really wants to go & it is Christmas... I would let this one go.

Can you go and stay with your mum/other family member/friend for the weekend? So that you are not left sitting in dwelling on it? I know if you're feeling sick and Down you probably don't want to go out but it sounds like you need a bit of support. If you stop him from going out, he's not going to thank you for it. Your Saturday with a moody and still hungover partner is not going to be pleasant anyway. And I agree with you that leaving your child with him hungover would be unfair on the kid. If he does this on the regular and reacts in that manor then I think you need to have a think about your relationship, you deserve better. If it's a one off then try to make the best of it for yourself

pictish · 12/12/2017 22:59

I wouldn't have an issue with this. In a handful of similar scenarios when I was pregnant, knackered and had little ones and family stress, it never occurred to me that dh ought to make his excuses for something he wanted to go to. He didn't do it often so I didn't mind.

I know you're feeling fried and you want a rest. You can bank this one with interest. My dh and I have always been reciprocal on that front. Both of us have kept the home fires burning while the other was AWOL. Still do. He's an excellent hangover enabler, dealing with kids, bringing food, drink and medication and letting me sleep it off and be useless all day. We are kind to one another in respect of such outings, possibly because they are infrequent...maybe because we just think it's good to get out and see other people.

LoneParenting101 · 13/12/2017 00:04

I couldn't be with someone who was still into binge drinking well into adulthood, never mind parenthood. He sounds incredibly immature.

Unable to prioritise his child, unborn baby and his partner. LTB!!

pigeondujour · 13/12/2017 06:41

*I'll be left looking after DD the whole weekend

He said he'd keep her on Sunday

I've said no to that as it isn't fair on my DD to hang around her dad when he's feeling ill and can't be bothered doing anything

I have vomited pretty much every day since I was 6 weeks pregnant

Fair point. Now all we have to do is work out which is more easily avoided, the hangover her husband is planning to have or the existing 20 week pregnancy.

Original poster

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 13/12/2017 22:05

I thought I'd update.

DH came in from work tonight and said he'd cancelled his plans on saturday and said he (finally!!) understood where I was coming from after thinking about it.

OP posts:

pigeondujour · 13/12/2017 22:18

That's good OP. Hope you feel a bit happier.

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