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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over Xmas meet up with friends...

82 replies

VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 18:16

I have a small group of friends who live dotted around SE England. They are between 45 mins to 1.5 hours drive from me, slightly longer from each other, as I am sort of in the middle. We tend to meet up 3 or 4 times a year, and generally always over Xmas.

For many years the Xmas meet up has been at my house. Initially when/ because I had small DC (the others don't have kids) and then it continued.

2015 there was loads going on so we met in the Jan up in London instead. Last year 2 of the 3 came to me, the other was busy.

This year, I extended the invitation. All said they'd like to come. Now I've had a msg via one of them that another would prefer to meet in London.

This annoys me anyway as we can never have a group discussion, as 2 of them can't download WhatsApp or messenger to their phone, and 1 of those also has no email access. So it's just texts bouncing around which you never know who it's been sent to...that however irritating isn't the aibu!

I don't want to go to London. I will have done 4 hours travelling each way to bfs family just after Xmas, I am more than happy to host, but I'm not keen to schlep into London especially as all our train services (through London Bridge) are completely fucked until the new year anyway..it will take me an hour or more to do what's normally a 30 min journey.

And when we get there...what are we going to do? There's no plan so potentially walk around aimlessly in the cold or go from bar to bar.

I should add I'm the closest to London. For all of them it would be quicker to come to my house than go into London...

Frankly I'd rather be at home. AIBU to say No?

OP posts:
MissEliza · 11/12/2017 18:20

So basically you just want to stay at home and have people come to you? Why should they make the effort to travel to you if you can't be bothered to travel?

Tinselistacky · 11/12/2017 18:23

Given the choice of ambling around in the cold in London or a cosy home +host you would win hands down op.
Maybe they have last minute shopping do /fancy a break from all things domestic!!
I wouldn't take it personally but would prob bow out given the travel hassle you would have.

DingDongDenny · 11/12/2017 18:24

As Micky Flanagan says there is 'out' and then 'out out' They want to go 'out out'

jarhead123 · 11/12/2017 18:27

I'd just decline. Say they are welcome at yours, but if they prefer London then you'll take a raincheck

dorislessingscat · 11/12/2017 18:29

I'd always rather meet in a city than a house. Don't know why you are making a big deal of it. Go or don't go but don't stamp your feet.

Elmosmum · 11/12/2017 18:29

If you only ever want it to be at yours then YABU- these people travel a significant distance and they probably don't fancy sitting in your lounge year after year when the bright light of London are down the road. If you don't want to then don't go but certainly don't insist that everyone comes to you or nothing. That's a bit controlling of you. Your friends may well be thinking why do we have to go to velvets every year?

TealStar · 11/12/2017 18:30

Agree with Jarhead. And leave it to them to organise; you don’t need to worry about —who can be arsed to download WhatsApp— any receiving of messages etc.

I think frustrating as it is, if three of the four want to go into London you can’t really stop them, disappointing as it is to you to have to cancel your evening of hosting.

Givemeonereason · 11/12/2017 18:33

I think you're being quite selfish. They've told you what they would rather do but because you cba to travel they have to change their plans?

InternetHoopJumper · 11/12/2017 18:34

Same here. In your position I would just say no and host at your place. All of you can meet up in Londin somewhere in January or later than that, when life has settled back down.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 18:34

I should say none of them can host - 2 have homes are too small to fit us all in comfortably, the other has a larger home but her DP doesn't like guests. Hence it's only my house or somewhere neutral.

I have met them in London before, but I'm reluctant having done 8 hours travelling in 2 days beforehand and because getting to London will be such a pain. If any of them wanted to host instead, I'd be willing to go to theirs instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 18:38

If they are insistent on London I'll say either meet without me and/or I'll see them in Jan once the trains are back to normal and I haven't just done a long journey.

I suppose I don't think of London as a big deal or a place to go, I've lived within 30 mins of it all my life. It's busy and overpriced! Christ I sound cheerful don't I?! Grin

OP posts:
theymademejoin · 11/12/2017 18:40

Sounds like you're not too bothered about meeting up if you only want to do it at your house. That's perfectly reasonable but it's also perfectly reasonable for them to want a proper outing. I presume once London is agreed, some plan would then also be agreed (e.g. food, drinks or whatever). They probably feel if they're going to have to travel, they might as well go somewhere more lively than your house. Also, it may be easier for them to get to London via public transport than to yours depending on where you live.

Just tell them you're not interested in a trip to London but you hope they have a nice time and you'll see them next year sometime.

Tartyflette · 11/12/2017 18:43

Bars and restaurants in London are absolutely rammed at this time of year so for that alone YANBU.
I avoid it for pretty much all of December. Last week DH arranged to meet some friends in a pub in the city early evening and it almostl fell apart because they could not physically get in. There were only four of them! (Also one bloke of could not be contacted to arrange a different venue.)

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 18:46

I don't particularly want to do another journey on top of the travelling I'll have been doing the day/s before. It's not like I never go to London but on this occasion I don't feel it's practical for me.

It will take them slightly longer to get to London than my house.

OP posts:
Tartyflette · 11/12/2017 18:46

And as for the train joirney back home after the meet-up -- round our way they're called not called the Vomit Comets for nothing.

rookiemere · 11/12/2017 18:48

Is it because they can take trains to London but have to drive to yours ?

Ellisandra · 11/12/2017 18:48

You don't sound terribly bothered about seeing them.

They probably just want to go "out" - bar to bar without the constraints of a fixed plan is what a lot of people like to do!

Even with a bit of travelling in the days before, I'm a bit Hmm that a whole hour into London is such a big deal!

You don't have to go. But these are your friends and it does come across that if it's not easy for you, you CBA to see them. Some of my less close friends, I wouldn't bat an eyelid. But if I considered you a good friend, I'd be quite hurt that I wasn't worth an extra 30 mins on the train, even each way!

Aside: who the hell doesn't have email these days? Shock

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 11/12/2017 18:49

YANBU to not want to go, but YABU to expect everyone to want to go yours year after year. They obviously want to do something else!

Don't do it if you don't want, but equally, don't be surprised if it slightly annoys a couple of your friends!

RedSkyAtNight · 11/12/2017 18:52

It seems like most of your objections would be fixed by just suggesting you meet in London in (say) the 2nd week of January.

Meeting at your house is nicest for you, but probably less nice for everyone else.

Lndnmummy · 11/12/2017 18:53

Maybe they fancy a night out in London though OP, there isn’t anything you can do about that really.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 11/12/2017 18:54

I don't particularly want to do another journey on top of the travelling I'll have been doing the day/s before. It's not like I never go to London but on this occasion I don't feel it's practical for me

If they are insistent on London I'll say either meet without me and/or I'll see them in Jan once the trains are back to normal and I haven't just done a long journey

I have met them in London before, but I'm reluctant having done 8 hours travelling in 2 days beforehand and because getting to London will be such a pain

It's only a 30 - 50 minute train journey? To be honest OP, loads of people do a lot of travelling at Christmas and yes, it can be a pain.

But seriously, in this situation, if one of my friends came up with this as an excuse, after years of everyone round at yours, I'd think it was probably a bit whiny.

I still don't think YABU to cancel, as no one should go under duress, but you're not really making much effort for your friends.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 11/12/2017 18:56

YABU I'm afraid - your friends probably want to combine the get together with other things in London, maybe do the sales or take in some festive atmosphere. It really can't be that tricky for you to get there if you live so close.

I have one friend who always wants to host get togethers at her house, which is mostly great, but sometimes I or another member of our group just wants to go OUT for a meal, drinks etc in a busy place with lots of other people. It rarely happens now that we've fallen into a rut due to my friend's hospitality - maybe your friends are trying to avoid a similar rut?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 11/12/2017 18:57

BTW I definitely wouldn't drop out, it would look petulant.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 18:59

They are not great drinkers. On a daytime meet up - which is what's planned , not evening - no one is likely to have more than 2 drinks, 3 at a push. One of them also isn't well off. Which again affects what any plan is likely to be. It won't be a fancy night out. Or even a fancy day.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 11/12/2017 19:03

"as 2 of them can't download WhatsApp or messenger to their phone, and 1 of those also has no email access."

I will rephrase that:
2 of them won't download WhatsApp
1 of them is a Luddite and can't be bothered to set up an email address. I don't believe that this person has no internet.

It is possible that the non Messenger people aren't on Facebook, so I would let them off that one.