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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over Xmas meet up with friends...

82 replies

VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 18:16

I have a small group of friends who live dotted around SE England. They are between 45 mins to 1.5 hours drive from me, slightly longer from each other, as I am sort of in the middle. We tend to meet up 3 or 4 times a year, and generally always over Xmas.

For many years the Xmas meet up has been at my house. Initially when/ because I had small DC (the others don't have kids) and then it continued.

2015 there was loads going on so we met in the Jan up in London instead. Last year 2 of the 3 came to me, the other was busy.

This year, I extended the invitation. All said they'd like to come. Now I've had a msg via one of them that another would prefer to meet in London.

This annoys me anyway as we can never have a group discussion, as 2 of them can't download WhatsApp or messenger to their phone, and 1 of those also has no email access. So it's just texts bouncing around which you never know who it's been sent to...that however irritating isn't the aibu!

I don't want to go to London. I will have done 4 hours travelling each way to bfs family just after Xmas, I am more than happy to host, but I'm not keen to schlep into London especially as all our train services (through London Bridge) are completely fucked until the new year anyway..it will take me an hour or more to do what's normally a 30 min journey.

And when we get there...what are we going to do? There's no plan so potentially walk around aimlessly in the cold or go from bar to bar.

I should add I'm the closest to London. For all of them it would be quicker to come to my house than go into London...

Frankly I'd rather be at home. AIBU to say No?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 11/12/2017 19:05

It’s absolutely fine for you not to go to London I would find it a PITA too. It’s not ok to make a fuss about though, I’d just say ‘sorry not up for it but have a great time’. They shouldn’t have to feel guilty because they want a different night out to what you want.

Crunchymum · 11/12/2017 19:08

I'd be up for your house OP, but then I'm almost 33w pregnant and not up for much.

In the nicest possible way, your friends don't want to come to your house - they want to go out. You either join them or you don't. It's not fair to expect the majority to change their plans to suit you?

RedSkyAtNight · 11/12/2017 19:08

Lonicera
I can't download WhatsApp to my phone. It's not that odd!

Trills · 11/12/2017 19:10

I would tell my friends to get email so we could discuss it together.

If one refuses to have email access, I'll discuss it with those who do, and the other will be told what we are doing and invited, but will have no way to influence the decisions that are made.

Trills · 11/12/2017 19:13

For the current outing, I would let someone else arrange it (including things like meeting times, where to go to eat, etc.) and then I would go or not go.

If I wanted people to come to my house in future I would invite them to my house. Not start a discussion on a meetup that might be at my house, but issue an invitation. "I'm planning to have a get together at my house on either Xmas date or Y date, are you free?"

MissBax · 11/12/2017 19:22

YABU

afrikat · 11/12/2017 19:22

I actually think London is a fabulous place to aimlessly wander around so that wouldn't bother me. You'd definitely need a reservation somewhere if you want to eat though as everywhere will be rammed. I'd let someone else take care of logistics if thats what they want to do but accept that this year they just don't fancy sitting in a house - they'd rather be out. If it's a nightmare then at least they won't suggest it again!

StealthNinjaMum · 11/12/2017 19:23

YABU. You would really rather stay in than meet with friends because you can't be bothered? Doesn't sound like you value their friendship very much.

Lunde · 11/12/2017 19:24

I think YABU and a bit selfish

The others accommodated you and travelled to your house when you had small children - some of them travelling for hours - but now they want to do something different you are not prepared to travel an hour to see them. It sounds as though you are not really bothered about the friendship unless it's on your terms

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 11/12/2017 19:25

It won't be a fancy night out. Or even a fancy day

But surely it won't be either of those things if it's at your house?

And the fact that you'll have done eight hours travelling really isn't their problem. I think YABU.

Taffeta · 11/12/2017 19:30

Phone up the one that wants to go to London and Shock have a conversation with her about it

If she’s stuck on the idea, suggest doing it in Jan

LadyRenoir · 11/12/2017 19:31

I have a friend like this, who always wants to invite people to theirs and meet at their house, and everyone else has to do the travelling.

If it is not suitable for you, cancel, but don't throw toys out of a pram because people want to spend a nice day out in London. It does not have to be fancy, but if they don't often go there (as you said, you live the closest), it's a nice change.

NoSquirrels · 11/12/2017 19:32

It’s fine! Blimey. If you don’t want to go, just say so.

“I’m really sorry all but I can’t do London that day, but still happy to have you guys here if you want - trains are FUBAR and I’ll be back late from BF’s the day before so just can’t face the travel. But totally understand if you want to go ahead without me & we can do something in January maybe? Sorry to be a pain - would love to see you all but just can’t face town that particular weekend.”

LoniceraJaponica · 11/12/2017 19:32

Sorry RedSkyAtNight I thought it could be universally used. What type of phone do you have?

WhatsApp works with Android, Windows and IOS. It also works with Mac and Windows PCs.

Latenightreader · 11/12/2017 19:39

WhatsApp can't be used on a non smart phone...

bingebiscuiteater · 11/12/2017 19:42

Whether you are being unreasonable or not depends upon your friends. If they are alright, they will come. You have every right to say No even if you are unreasonable.

19lottie82 · 11/12/2017 19:43

Sitting in someone’s house is ok but for a Christmas meet up I imagine a lot of people would want a proper night out. Sorry.

MaybeDoctor · 11/12/2017 19:48

Be aware that if you cancel this time then it might not happen next year...

I suggest meeting at the Royal Festival Hall. Enough indoor space to hang out without needing to spend lots of money, often a free concert or exhibition going on and a range of places to eat. If your friends really do want to traipse around in the cold, then a walk along the South Bank should suffice!

missmoz · 11/12/2017 19:49

Maybe they want to do an activity, walk around, choose what they want to eat and drink, rather than be dictated to by the host?

I'm sure you're a great host but if you've offered and they've suggested another plan you have to take a hint...

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2017 19:54

Call up the one who wants to go out in London. Find out what she wants to do. Is that on the day you've offered to have people over or another day. Once the plans are set for London, decide whether or not to join in. Other your place as a venue for a future meet up if you wish to.

It sounds like your home became the venue because you had small kids. Presumably they are not so small now. It was nice of them to be willing to meet at yours because it suited you, and nice of you to host. But things may be different this year.

astoundedgoat · 11/12/2017 19:54

You sound like you're just being a bit anti. If I was coming a long way, and London was a rare treat, I would rather stay on the train another 40 mins and go out in London than to a friend's house.

I'm sure they don't really intend to amble from bar to bar unless they're about 20. Most adults research where they want to eat and drink before they go somewhere for a special occasion, surely? And if you suspect they won't, it wouldn't kill you to say "Okay, let's start at Polpo in Soho and then press on to XYZ." or whatever.

If you're not fussed about seeing them, then just don't.

Italiangreyhound · 11/12/2017 19:54

Offer not other....

ForgivenessIsDivine · 11/12/2017 19:56

Are there any interesting locations nearer to you all that might work instead??

pictish · 11/12/2017 20:02

I can relate because I live a stone's throw from Edinburgh but can rarely actually be arsed to make the journey and go out in the city.

However I think yabu to want to have it at your place again when they obviously want to do something different. I think I'd either (grudgingly) go along with their plans or bow out gracefully, wishing them a good day out.

SilverySurfer · 11/12/2017 20:02

SheGotBetteDavisEyes
YANBU to not want to go, but YABU to expect everyone to want to go yours year after year. They obviously want to do something else!

Don't do it if you don't want, but equally, don't be surprised if it slightly annoys a couple of your friends!

^ This. It's a bit lazy, you want to meet them with zero effort on your part every Christmas. If you don't want to go to London say no thanks. Oh and the drip feeds don't help.

LoniceraJaponica
"as 2 of them can't download WhatsApp or messenger to their phone, and 1 of those also has no email access."

I will rephrase that:
2 of them won't download WhatsApp

Fascinating. Perhaps you would like to download it on my £15 PAYG mobile which has two functions - to make phone calls and send texts. If you want to give it a try PM me Grin