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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over Xmas meet up with friends...

82 replies

VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 18:16

I have a small group of friends who live dotted around SE England. They are between 45 mins to 1.5 hours drive from me, slightly longer from each other, as I am sort of in the middle. We tend to meet up 3 or 4 times a year, and generally always over Xmas.

For many years the Xmas meet up has been at my house. Initially when/ because I had small DC (the others don't have kids) and then it continued.

2015 there was loads going on so we met in the Jan up in London instead. Last year 2 of the 3 came to me, the other was busy.

This year, I extended the invitation. All said they'd like to come. Now I've had a msg via one of them that another would prefer to meet in London.

This annoys me anyway as we can never have a group discussion, as 2 of them can't download WhatsApp or messenger to their phone, and 1 of those also has no email access. So it's just texts bouncing around which you never know who it's been sent to...that however irritating isn't the aibu!

I don't want to go to London. I will have done 4 hours travelling each way to bfs family just after Xmas, I am more than happy to host, but I'm not keen to schlep into London especially as all our train services (through London Bridge) are completely fucked until the new year anyway..it will take me an hour or more to do what's normally a 30 min journey.

And when we get there...what are we going to do? There's no plan so potentially walk around aimlessly in the cold or go from bar to bar.

I should add I'm the closest to London. For all of them it would be quicker to come to my house than go into London...

Frankly I'd rather be at home. AIBU to say No?

OP posts:
honeyroar · 11/12/2017 20:06

I'm a bit boring, and I'd rather go to someone's house, or even better have people to mine, but perhaps your friend is wanting to do something a bit more exciting.

Just be honest, say that you think you won't be up for going to London, but you'll catch up with them on January when you've caught up with yourself after a busy Xmas.

ivykaty44 · 11/12/2017 20:08

I’d rather meet up in London and go somewhere nice for tea and 🍰

Sorry but that’s just me, I don’t want to be beholding to someone else

SammySays · 11/12/2017 20:10

It will take them slightly longer to get to London than to my house

YABVU. You are not willing to make any effort to see them. You are happy to see them as long as you don’t have to leave your home- why should they be the only ones to travel? I imagine they have people to see over the Christmas period too and will find traipsing around a pain. Clearly they find it worth it to see the people they love.

As for London not being anything to get excited about, I have lived in London all of my life until very recently (a few months) and for me a night out in London wouldn’t be particularly exciting either. It’s not about the location it’s about the people you are with. If you cared for your friends you would make the effort.

SunshineTheMonkey · 11/12/2017 20:45

Sounds to me like it's your way or no way.

Maybe they are bored of yours and are trying to let you know gently

chestylarue52 · 11/12/2017 21:09

So your friends accommodated you all those years when you had little children by making the effort to come to your house and now you can't be arsed to do something they want to do?

JaneEyre70 · 11/12/2017 21:18

Is there a nice hotel or country pub that's fairly central to all of you - even for afternoon tea or something?? Or a nice national trust place with a cafe sort of thing.... where you can walk and catch up, then warm up with a hot chocolate? If you've got kids in the house etc, then they may not feel comfortable or enjoy the noise - just a thought.

PurpleMinionMummy · 11/12/2017 21:52

So you're happy for to travel to meet up with you. But if you have to travel to meet up with them it's too much effort. Yabvu.

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 21:53

They wouldn't be interested in National Trust places. I probably would, but they wouldn't.

I think it's unfair to say having people to mine is the easy option. I would cater, normally either 2 course meal or a very substantial buffet. Id prep and cook all that, serve, wash up, make drinks, etc, all day. I wouldn't expect them to lift a finger that's what you do for guests obviously. But it's hardly no effort.

I did invite everyone to mine. One friend has now passed a message that she wants to go to London. I've said Id rather not. Like I say if they are all set on it, then we'll delay til a mutually convenient weekend in Jan or whenever.

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 11/12/2017 22:01

One friend has now passed a message that she wants to go to London. I've said Id rather not. Like I say if they are all set on it, then we'll delay til a mutually convenient weekend in Jan or whenever

You're not sounding any more reasonable OP...

If they're all set on it, tell them to go and have a fab time, surely?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 22:08

Sorry I meant they can go without me obviously - a full meet up including me can be postponed, delayed, whatever until next year.

I'm not expecting them to cancel any plans to go to London at Xmas. I'd rather not go. If they would prefer to than come to me, then of course they can choose to.

OP posts:
wednesdayswench · 11/12/2017 22:17

'the others don't have kids'

'They would prefer to go to London'

'I don't think of London as a big deal or a place to go.'

'One of them also isn't well off. It won't be a fancy night out.'

'They wouldn't be interested in National Trust places. I probably would.'

'2 of them can't download WhatsApp or messenger to their phone.'

^^ it just doesn't sound like you and your friends want the same things, you want to stay home and host. They want to go to London. Shouldn't a get together be about seeing each other, isn't the journey into London worth it to spend some time with good friends?

Maelstrop · 11/12/2017 22:18

I don't get why you want them to all have to come to you? Trains are no worse this time of year than any other. A mate just took 2 hours to go from Wembley to Wimbledon because of a fire at Waterloo. I find the trains fine through London Bridge, especially during the day. You sound like it's your way or the highway, your mates either do what you say of you'll have a sulk and withdraw.

Elmosmum · 11/12/2017 22:24

If I was your friend I'd be very pissed off with you if you'd said that to me. You're effectively saying 'come to me as I can't be arsed making any effort' - you wouldn't be a friend of mine for long

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 11/12/2017 22:27

Trains are worse over Xmas. I appreciate if you dont live in this area you may not know, but on our train line a significant number of services are not running from 23/12 until the new year, and services that are running are diverted and not calling at any of the usual central London stations.

So it does make a significant difference, and I'm not willing to struggle to get to London.

This is just one of several meetings we have each year. All the others are in London or somewhere, ie not at my house. I don't always expect them to come here EVERY time I see them.

OP posts:
Dozer · 11/12/2017 22:30

On the comms what about using good old group text messages?!

I presume if they come to yours for the day they will all need to drive, and not drink?

Even if they’re not boozy types perhaps they would prefer two or three drinks in a London bar and a relaxed train ride home to drinking soft drinks all day and driving?

If you say you’re not up for travelling into London so soon after your xmas travel / when trains are slow the message is basically that you’re just not that into them. That’s fine if it’s true and you don’t mind them knowing it.

Dozer · 11/12/2017 22:31

Are there some direct trains from your station into somewhere reasonable in London on the date in question? Ie are trains just slower, or are there lots of changes, bus replacement bullshit etc to content with?

CheekyRedhead · 12/12/2017 07:27

Maybe they are bored of going to your house? My friends often meet st one of two people's houses but personally I'd rather go out. I feel anxious or trapped at house parties, and while not so bad these evenings at a friends house can give me itchy feet to get out.

MaybeDoctor · 12/12/2017 07:28

In fairness to the OP, the rail disruption is more than the average nuisance of using the trains. From the website:

What work is happening on the Thameslink Programme over Christmas and beyond?

There will be 10 days of major engineering work and resignalling around London Bridge this Christmas and New Year (Saturday 23 December 2017 to Monday 1 January 2018 inclusive). During this timethere will be no trains to or from Charing Cross, Cannon Street, Waterloo East, Farringdon and other major London stations, plus no Southeastern services at London Bridge.

I suggested Waterloo earlier as she might be able to get there via Clapham J. but it will still be a pain.

JingsMahBucket · 12/12/2017 08:21

OP, will your friends' train routes into London be severely disrupted as well?

Are you personally able to get to King's Cross or Paddington then head off there?

Original poster
VelvetSpoon · 12/12/2017 08:45

They come in on different lines, not through London Bridge. It's all services through LB which are hugely disrupted. That's not to say their journeys aren't affected by any works on their train lines, but they don't go via LB which is the worst affected.

I can if I change trains get to Victoria in an hour (it's normally 20 mins to LB for me) but those services are infrequent. That's the only main line London station I can get to. And as we generally meet nr London Bridge not that helpful.

OP posts:
Trills · 12/12/2017 08:47

Are you personally able to get to King's Cross or Paddington

This question doesn't make sense.

Depending on where you live, your train would either go into King's Cross OR Paddington or neither. If your usual train to King's Cross is disrupted, you can't go to Paddington instead. The trains have to run on tracks that already exist.

Trills · 12/12/2017 08:49

I would not think any less of my friends for saying "I'd prefer do London one day when it's a 20 minute train not an hour train".

Sarahjconnor · 12/12/2017 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 12/12/2017 08:51

Friend without email still needs to get email, so you can have ONE conversation instead of potentially lots of little conversations where some people agree with friend-who-wants-London and some disagree and some don't want to say anything.

Joolsy · 12/12/2017 09:04

Personally, if I'm seeing a group of friends I find it more sociable if we can actually sit down and chat for a good length of time rather than walking around and possibly having a bite to eat & drink. If we've got a lot of catching up to do, it just wouldn't be possible if we're walking around alot. I'd much rather come to your house where we can talk properly