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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell them to go F themselves?

68 replies

bettydraper31 · 04/12/2017 13:24

Does anyone remember a while back I posted about PILs not travelling to see us for over 18 months... but still expecting us to go to them?

Turns out they’re not coming down, and can’t come down til at least next Summer as they’re saving for a new bathroom.

Yep.

They’re choosing a new bathroom over seeing their son and granddaughter.

BUT they’re still expecting us to go up this xmas despite me now being 5 months preg, 6 hr journey with 2 yr old in tow.

DH hasn’t really spoken to them since this revelation. I don’t think he is too happy about it, but I know deep down he wants to see them and for them to see DD.

I’m now stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don’t want to be the wife that refuses to go, but on the other side, why should we keep having to go to them all the time??

AIBU?

OP posts:
taratill · 04/12/2017 13:25

No you're not being unreasonable. Unless they are infirm they should visit you.

sleepyMe12 · 04/12/2017 13:26

I'd inform them that you will not be visiting as your saving to replace the bathroom.

Original poster
bettydraper31 · 04/12/2017 13:27

Thank you. They’re definitely mobile, drive, they are in their late 60s but so is my mum who I know would cross the earth to see us.

OP posts:
Hissy · 04/12/2017 13:29

Just stay calm, don't rise to it and have your christmas at home with DH and DD.

THEY have chosen to stay where they are, and it's NOT reasonable for you to be expected to travel that distance.

Anymajordude · 04/12/2017 13:30

You can't go, you're saving for a baby.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2017 13:30

5 months preg, 6 hr journey with 2 yr old in tow

Just point this out. Totally justifiable reasons for not schlepping over to theirs.

gamerchick · 04/12/2017 13:32

Well it’s up to you. Personally I don’t care about the come visit me stuff. I’m quite happy to do the visiting because you can bugger off when you want.

Maybe make it the last time to go. It’ll be even less fun next year with 2 of them. Let them know this.

Original poster
bettydraper31 · 04/12/2017 13:36

That’s my thinking Gamer, I’m really on the fence.

I’m also a high risk pregnancy due to previous premature labour so having consultant checks every two weeks. Another reason I really don’t want to be far from home x

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 04/12/2017 13:37

Couldn’t your dh and dd go alone? A few days alone will probably be nice for you especially as your pregnant and looking after another child. If dh wanted to got that would be what I’d do

scruffysquirrel · 04/12/2017 13:39

If I were you op I'd stay home for Xmas and just chill. Have a nice calm and cosy one! Get some decent box sets and put your feet up. This is definitely the year you can have a good excuse to not do any travelling Grin

Thinkingofausername1 · 04/12/2017 13:40

My mil had same issues with hers when they were younger. They didn't want to go and see them, but were happy to travel to other family far and wide. It's about favourites I think. Sorry you have to experience this.

Ferret2018london · 04/12/2017 13:43

If your partner wants to see them and you want your child to have fond memories/photos with their grandparents I'd just push for it. You're almost leading by example, 6 months pregnant with a 2 year old and still making the effort to see them. Hopefully they'll see this and appreciate it. It will also be good bonding time for you with them?

LakieLady · 04/12/2017 13:45

How old are they?

I find long journeys are much more taxing than when I was younger and I'd find a 6-hour journey unthinkable without at least a very long rest or possibly even an overnight stop. We tend not to do more than 150-200 miles in one hit, less if it's not motorway driving.

Because I find travelling so knackering and pain-inducing now, I'd be reluctant to make a journey that long unless we were going to be staying for several days. I'd need the best part of a week to recover before the journey back.

Maybe they just find the thought of making such a long trip too daunting.

RaspberryOverload · 04/12/2017 13:47

If you have a high risk pregnancy, seeing a consultant every two weeks, then don't go. Don't take the risk of premature labour in a hospital you're not familiar with, or midwives you definitely won't know.

That's the best reason not to travel. Stay home and keep safe.

Glumglowworm · 04/12/2017 13:47

Pregnant and a toddler are great reasons not to travel. If they were very elderly and unable to travel or genuinely couldn’t afford it then fair enough, but they are choosing to prioritise other things. That’s fine although unpleasant that’s their choice, but you can choose not to pander to it

You, DH and DC have Christmas in your own home. IL are welcome to visit (if you wouldn’t mind hosting them) but due to your high risk pregnancy and toddler you won’t be travelling. If they try guilt you, just calmly repeat they are welcome to come to you but you will not be travelling.

TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain · 04/12/2017 13:48

As a high risk pregnancy veteran (some with good results some not) I would be drawing a line there and saying no, this needs to stop. Next year is a maybe depending on how dcs travel but this year is a big fat no, you dc bump and DH come first.

Sirzy · 04/12/2017 13:49

Neither party are compelled to travel. If you don’t want to go say no. If your DH does want to go he can.

gobster · 04/12/2017 13:49

Personally I'd go for the plan of a nice chilled Christmas at home alone

If your husband really wants to see his parents, suggest he takes ur DC for a night or two in the time between xmas and new year, then you get to put your feet up and relax for a couple of days

RhiannonOHara · 04/12/2017 13:50

What does your DH want to do?

But anyway, YANBU. I'd want to stay home too, because of the high-risk pregnancy as well as bathroom-gate.

Original poster
bettydraper31 · 04/12/2017 13:50

LakieLady- they are in their late 60s. I would completely understand if they said they found the journey too difficult, and would no way push them, the issue I have is that they’ve chosen their so called “new bathroom” over seeing us, and they still expect us to go to them.

If they said, “we really can’t face the journey to you but we don’t expect you guys to do it either, let’s all stay at home and arrange to meet next summer” that would be fine. But it’s just swept under the rug and expected of us to travel to them. Xx

Thanks everyone xx

OP posts:
Chowmum · 04/12/2017 13:51

I’m also a high risk pregnancy due to previous premature labour so having consultant checks every two weeks.

As far as I am aware, there are no associated health risks to not having a new bathroom. Look after yourself Flowers, your toddler won't much care and you'll be much better off healthwise without the travelling.

RatherBeRiding · 04/12/2017 13:51

They had a choice, and have made it. You have a choice - doesn't matter what they "expect", it's still your choice bearing in mind the choice they have made. (Lot of repetitions of the word "choice" there but I do think it's worth remembering that we all have choices.)

PanannyPanoo · 04/12/2017 13:52

If you want them to come you could suggest that you send them £50 for fuel instead of giving them a present.

diddl · 04/12/2017 13:52

"but I know deep down he wants to see them and for them to see DD. "

So that's how they "get away with it"

He should call their bluff imo.

Bathroom or visit GC?

No brainer for most!

I wouldn't be bending over to facilitate a relationship that they aren't bothered about tbh.

Dairymilkmuncher · 04/12/2017 13:53

If that was me I'd never stop DP seeing his mum and in the past he's gone down on his own with DS and when I offered us to help pay for DMIL to come up she didn't accept payment every time but she did get on the train and make the trip up because she knew I just wasn't able to come as often with two DC.

In our case paying for an oap single train ticket is heaps cheaper than the four of us travelling over two days with a hotel break and motorway break stops etc and it's nicer for us to have family time in our home rather than hers so it's worth the cost. Also means less annual leave wasted on the road

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