Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell them to go F themselves?

68 replies

bettydraper31 · 04/12/2017 13:24

Does anyone remember a while back I posted about PILs not travelling to see us for over 18 months... but still expecting us to go to them?

Turns out they’re not coming down, and can’t come down til at least next Summer as they’re saving for a new bathroom.

Yep.

They’re choosing a new bathroom over seeing their son and granddaughter.

BUT they’re still expecting us to go up this xmas despite me now being 5 months preg, 6 hr journey with 2 yr old in tow.

DH hasn’t really spoken to them since this revelation. I don’t think he is too happy about it, but I know deep down he wants to see them and for them to see DD.

I’m now stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don’t want to be the wife that refuses to go, but on the other side, why should we keep having to go to them all the time??

AIBU?

OP posts:
HotelEuphoria · 04/12/2017 13:54

LakieLady

I was going to post something along those lines!

I agree, a six hour drive is not for the fainthearted and when in late sixties, the busy traffic and concentration required as well as things such as deteriorating eyesight (I'm 51 and find motorway driving not as easy in the dark) it may just be too much. How about your offer to pay half the train fare for them?

OhNoFuckADuck · 04/12/2017 13:55

stay home and they can Skype if they want.

Sirzy · 04/12/2017 13:56

To be fair could the new bathroom actually at the moment be important from a practical POV? My parents had to get the bathroom done a few years back as my dad was struggling to get in and out of the bath so needed a separate shower unit.

Often these things aren’t straight forward

Original poster
bettydraper31 · 04/12/2017 13:56

If they don’t want to come because of the drive that’s totally understandable, I just wish they would be honest and not come up with some excuse about a bathroom.

They haven’t been to us since DDs first birthday which was July 2016. We’re talking quite a while here.

OP posts:
Cath2907 · 04/12/2017 14:02

I've been married 10 years and ILs have only visited us once - despite many invites. We visit them 3 or 4 times per year (360 mile round trip and we provide our own accommodation) as they love our DD and my DH likes to see them. He is aware they are unreasonable and therefore some of my rules are always applied. Rules:

  1. We visit the weekend before Xmas but not over the actual few days of Xmas - I can't take the long drive.
  2. We visit once in the summer but only to dates convenient to us.
  3. We visit during either Feb or Oct half term and may split a visit to them with a few days in the nearby large city as a family (they'd be welcome to join days out with us but prefer not to).

It is DHs job to manage the communication and occasionally say "wifey says no".

If I was you I'd tell hubby that this year it is just too difficult to do over Xmas visit at a time that is more convenient to you. He needs to support you in managing this so that the ILs get to see him and the kids but that you don't end up running round like idiots after some selfish old gits!

LakieLady · 04/12/2017 14:02

I wonder if the new bathroom is an excuse because they don't want to admit (possibly to themselves as much as others) that they can't manage the trip. My late parents used to do this. By the time they got to their mid-60s, they never drove more than an hour's travelling time from home.

I'd stay home, OP. Travelling when pregnant is probably just as bad as travelling when you're getting old!

HellonHeels · 04/12/2017 14:04

How much would it cost them to make this journey?! Hard to see that paying for it would make much of a dent in the savings for the bathroom.

Mxyzptlk · 04/12/2017 14:09

I’m also a high risk pregnancy due to previous premature labour so having consultant checks every two weeks. Another reason I really don’t want to be far from home x

This is important.
How will everyone feel if something goes wrong with the pregnancy?

DH may be disappointed that his parents and daughter will not be seeing each other but that doesn't mean you have to take on the responsibility and take chances with your own and new baby's health.

Just say No.

whiskyowl · 04/12/2017 14:09

If there's no reason they can't travel then this is just really selfish. Many people in their 60s are very far from being "old", and many are also time, asset and money rich. Those circumstances should be taken into account when the labour of travel is considered. Of course, if someone has mobility or health issues, this is very different.

Original poster
bettydraper31 · 04/12/2017 14:09

Thanks everyone, your thoughts are all similar to mine.

I’ve told DH how I feel and he agrees with me, but who knows if he’ll be able to resist his mother’s pushiness. Plus like I say, I know he wants to see them as they’re his parents and we do all get along when we see each other.

It hurts a lot more to be told a bathroom is more important than seeing you! X

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 04/12/2017 14:09

Oh, and I have parents who barely visit once every few years and then make a HUGE DEAL of it. So I know how hurtful it is. Flowers for you.

Bluetrews25 · 04/12/2017 14:13

You could test them - tell them no pressie exchange this year, your gift is them coming to see you when travelling is so awkward during this high risk pregnancy (you wouldn't want this lovely unborn baby to be at risk, would you?) and their gift is they they don't have to contribute towards the astronomical cost of all the food.
If it's still a 'no', then you and DP really know just what sort of people they are.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2017 14:14

Please refuse to go. If they can’t face the journey, they can take the train. Tell them have been advised by your doctor to be near your local hospital and therefore cannot travel far. Then they have no come back as the powers that be say no.

IcingSausage · 04/12/2017 14:14

If they don’t want to come because of the drive that’s totally understandable, I just wish they would be honest and not come up with some excuse about a bathroom.

My ILs do exactly this. We might invite them somewhere, or ask if they fancy doing xyz and we get the oddest excuses just because (out of pride maybe?) they don’t want to say that they're just not up to it.

We used to take the excuses at face value and DH often ended up feeling hurt at the oddness of their reasons for not seeing us/DC but now we understand it’s a face-saving thing and we just play along.

BrieAndChilli · 04/12/2017 14:15

My mum told me that it was too far and too hard a drive for her to come up and visit us.
It’s 2 hours drive straight up the motorway, both our towns are literally next to the motorway but hey fair enough if as she was getting older didn’t want to drive that cars........except that in the 12 months following that statement she drove to butlins which is about a 2 hour drive from her and is a horrible windy drive down lanes for some of it etc, went to Florida and hired a car and drove about there, and thenicing ok the cake - drove to Ireland which involves literally driving within a mile of our house as we live near the Severn bridge in wales and they got a ferry from west wales.
I was fuming and i hasn’t spoken to her since (huge back story and other issues but this was the last straw for me)

Butterymuffin · 04/12/2017 14:16

What Mummyoflittledragon said. Don't go.

DiegoMadonna · 04/12/2017 14:17

What is the expense of them visiting you? Petrol money? Can't you just offer to pay that for them, on the basis that you're pregnant and have a toddler?

Their [supposed] reasons for not wanting to go to you: financial
Your reasons for not wanting to go to them: difficulty of long journey when pregnant and with toddler

Plus you'd have the same petrol expense if you WERE to go to them. So it's much easier to overcome their problem than yours.

If they refuse the offer then you'll know they're just BSing about the money reason and then at least you can say you tried.

Mxyzptlk · 04/12/2017 14:17

who knows if he’ll be able to resist his mother’s pushiness.
Who cares?
You just stick to your statement of not going, don't pack anything and don't get in the car.
Easy!

meredintofpandiculation · 04/12/2017 14:19

We used to take the excuses at face value and DH often ended up feeling hurt at the oddness of their reasons for not seeing us/DC but now we understand it’s a face-saving thing and we just play along. This, absolutely. Any time from middle age onwards, you're not admitting that you're not up to it at the moment (and may be up to it later), you're admitting that from now it's downhill all the way. There's a limit to how many times a day you want to be reminded of this. Not just face-saving, but also maintaining morale.

rainbowstardrops · 04/12/2017 14:21

There’s no way I’d travel that far with a high risk pregnancy.
Is it possible for them to come by train or coach if it turns out that it’s the journey that’s putting them off?

At the end of the day, they’ve basically put their home improvements above seeing their family. Their choice. I wouldn’t be putting myself out for them.

Mrsdraper1 · 04/12/2017 14:22

bettydraper31 are we related?
I love your user name, you must be a very intelligent, sexy, cultivated person to have come up with such a witty name Wink
oh and YADNBU

Elendon · 04/12/2017 14:23

My ex is going to be the father of teenage boys when he is 70. I'm sure he will be going around the university with his early 60s partner who is their mother.

Age has nothing to do with this. They are being lazy and entitled. Why can't you have a family Xmas of your own? I'm sure it will be lovely.

No need to make an excuse. Just tell them that you want to spend Christmas day at home, your home, and that there will be no visiting.

Elendon · 04/12/2017 14:26

Oh and if your partner doesn't want to share in a family Christmas he is welcome to make the journey to his parents. Or he can stay at HOME with his pregnant partner and child.

Simple really. (And don't go for a big full on turkey and the trimmings either!). There will be many more Christmases to come.

Tinselistacky · 04/12/2017 14:27

Stick to your guns or next year it will be their next kitchen to save for and you will be travelling with 2 dc.
Skype them on Christmas day - make sure you are on too!! Say Merry Christmas wish you were here!(!? Not!)

Original poster
bettydraper31 · 04/12/2017 14:33

Lol thanks everyone so much x x x

OP posts: