Aibu to ask for your help? One liners/quick shut downs required.

[DontTouchTheCharredCrotch]

I have one dc, due 2nd dc in 6 months. Won't be BFing, didn't BF the first time either....
so, may I ask for the help of mumsnet in some witty one liners?
Mil is undoubtedly going to behave like a twat about it (again). Such comments like, oh some women can't have children and here you are giving yours second best... plus of course there are "friends" and strangers who think they have the right to an opinion about what I do with my breasts.
Help please

'Fuck off'

Araiw - good one, that's in my last ditch attempts pile already. But thanks

Shrug and turn your attention elsewhere.

Goodness, are you STILL talking about this? With a face.

'Well yes I must be giving my children second best seeing as they have you for a grandmother'

Well, we'll see how it goes..

Well, we'll see how it goes...

Till they shut the fuck up.

You don't need any witty one liners, you just need to tell them it's your body, your baby and your business.

Although I suppose you could point out that since nearly a third of children aged 2 to 15 are overweight or obese, they could really concern themselves with that, rather than how a baby is fed for such a very short time in its life.

"Here you go then - you try!"

'None of your bees wax face ache!' whilst tapping the side of your nose.

I could express for you if you’d like it in your tea?

Fuck off

It’s formula not poison

My baby my choice

Make sure you shut the door when you leave

'it's really none of your business' - no wit required. Cutting instead

Thanks for your concern but I didn't really want any advice. I'm happy making my own decisions about how I raise my family.

I don't think it's a particularly witty subject! . If you are so sure about your choices why you so bothered about others opinions?

You know, what you need is a nice hobby. How about marathon running. You could start right now.

Do you want to carry on seeing this grandchild? Or would you prefer we stayed away from you?

And for everyone else - "the drugs get through to the milk so its not safe to bf"

‘Opinions are like farts MiL... yours are full of shit’

‘I’m not even planning on giving this one formula, cheap Red Bull and Coke is far more cost effective long term’

‘Can you stop talking about my breasts, I find your obsession with them rather perverse’

‘That’s nice’ - I know most people don’t like Mrs Brown, but I do find replacing ‘fuck off’ with ‘that’s nice’ is both cathartic and doesn’t cause major fall outs. Also see - ‘that’s so interesting’ in the least interested voice possibly.

Oh come on lethal - can you really not see how it would be shit to have your MIL carping on and on at you, however happy you are? And yes it's better to be light and witty with your MIL if possible. What do you suggest, starting a family feud?!

Thank you, very helpful all. All of these are being stowed away in a part of my brain that I hope I'll be able to access while post partum

Fed is best.

I thought about BF, but couldn’t bear how happy it would make you so I’m going with formula...

Fed is best

This is brilliant. I wish this was used more often!

Rebeccaslicker
Everything you just said x10.

I have similar mil - but about different issues, not bf - if anything I probably breast fed too much for her liking - but getting defensive with mils doesn't really work - in my experience. Just ignore her.

If i wanted your opinion I would have asked for I dodnt so please keep your opinions to yourself.

I wouldn't bother with witty comebacks if people are going to be so rude.

'Not your business.' Death stare. Let them fill the awkward silence. Repeat as needed.