Aibu to ask for your help? One liners/quick shut downs required.

[DontTouchTheCharredCrotch]

I have one dc, due 2nd dc in 6 months. Won't be BFing, didn't BF the first time either....
so, may I ask for the help of mumsnet in some witty one liners?
Mil is undoubtedly going to behave like a twat about it (again). Such comments like, oh some women can't have children and here you are giving yours second best... plus of course there are "friends" and strangers who think they have the right to an opinion about what I do with my breasts.
Help please

Unfortunately your son doesn't like to share

While patting her hand, putting an arm gently around her shoulder, you say in a concerned voice, "TBH, mil, your obsession with my BREASTS is making me a little uncomfortable. Is there a reason you have become a little fixated on another woman's BREASTS? Is there something you need to talk about?" Head tilt. 😉😁

You win, MadForIt. 😂

Mad

Here are so many women who don't even have DILs with their sons getting divorced or not even finding a woman to marry in the first place and here you are doing your best to be a snarky cow to your DIL . The best come back is the kind that makes fun of the offending person, it shows that you don't take a word of what they have said seriously but also allows you to let out your inner bitch (she needs a walk sometimes too).

“We know you have your opinions, but it’s not up for debate” and subject change.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" .

Witty one liners out of annoyance make people look like dicks. I don't know why they never realise that.

Just be straight or evade.

Straight: I'm not planning to and it's honestly not anyone else's business.

Evade: Havent decided yet.

Mil - tut and tell her to change the fucking record (profanity is optional)

Strangers - did you just ask to see my tits?

Ask her if she thinks she's Richard Branson. Because she needs to get her face out of your tits.

Please don't say to strangers 'did you just ask to see my tits'. You will honestly sound like an asshole.

Ffs.

I've been assailed by (unwanted) opinions on breastfeeding since it became evident that I'm pregnant! A work colleague, who is usually of the 'live and let live' mindset actually said to me, "Sure that's what your mat leave is for! And what's better - something that comes from a factory or something that comes from your tit?"

My response: "When you put it like that, something that comes from a factory sounds more appealing!"

Have had similar lectures from family members too.

Zigzag - heaven forbid that anyone should have a bit of lighthearted banter and a laugh to take the sting out of something that might actually be v upsetting. You don't have to take every word on here literally, you know! The OP is clearly just looking for a bit of light relief #SMH

Tell her she’s right, that because she keeps mentioning it you’ve done some reaserch and you have discovered the best results are if you breast feed both DCs until they are around 11 or 12 years old, so that’s what you’re going to do, and you’re going to tell everyone you know that it was MILs recommendation and that they should all do it too.

its slightly ironic you telling other people what makes them sound like an asshole zigzag...

Witty one liners out of annoyance make people look like dicks. I don't know why they never realise that.

Yes, sarcasm is just the worst. Thank goodness there’s no smart arse comedians who try and make a living out of it, I imagine they’d fail miserably.

Someone really should tell jimmy carr that. That smart arse makes quite a good living out of it!

Someone really should tell jimmy carr that. That smart arse makes quite a good living out of it!

Well I was being (ironically) sarcastic .

I don’t want to live in a world without snappy comebacks, my life would be very boring (and quiet). I need some Rhod Gilbert, Charlie Brooker, Jack Dee and etc in my life...

I had the opposite problem - MIL hated that I breastfed and constantly told me I should bottle feed.

Eventually I told her I didn't want to hear another fucking word from her on the subject. That worked surprisingly well.

‘I do actually really want to bf dmil however your ds just isn’t prepared to share his bitty and gets very jealous is I try to ‘

That’s nice, especially said in a Mrs Brown type voice is great.

My grandmother used to say ‘Ooo fancy’. My mum said used to make her teeth itch.

Personally I would just go with Fuck Off.

Breasts are for sex and not for babies

Don't explain your reasons, it gives her ammunition with which to come back at you. I would just say 'whatever' and then silence. Repeat as necessary.

Opinions are like arseholes MIL, everyone has one

Chuck your mobile phone at them and tell them to ring someone who cares.