I dont want Mil to choose our new sofas?

[Aweektilltheseason]

I really enjoy interior design having said that its all second hand from junk shops and has been for ten years. ie I care about these things and choosing etc is enjoyable to me.

I would really like to find new sofas in the sales coming and have my eye on a few beautiful velvet snuggle seats and a main white ikea sofa. Unbeknownst to me, DH has told his DP we want new sofas for xmas ( they are well off but also they are holding money from his GM for him).

Mil is sending him pics of sofas. The thing is she has done this before, she decided a few years ago we needed new sofas and started to choose for us. Mil thinks her taste is the best and has been very clear about this - we don't get on, I don't like her at all actually and I am mortified he has done this. Last time I assumed he told them we want to choose our own big ticket items! But even If I did like her there is no way I would want her choosing a new sofa, I would rather stuggle on with the ones we have or sit on orange crates!

I will not accept any sofa she chooses. I know DH shouldnt have mentioned new sofas but at the same time, I am over 40 - would you buy your adult old dc items and choose for them? I just can't imagine in any scenario thinking its OK to choose furniture in this way.
She has always done this eg - I will buy you a pram ....great we thought! only - she went and chose it with her DM and I had no look in or say at all so we had to reject it. I find it bizarre!

Oh dear.

Just put your foot down. Didn't she get the message when u rejected the pram? Does she fear wasting money? If so, use that angle!!

Well you have a DP problem as they say on here. He told them you want a sofa for Christmas so it’s not unreasonable that they are looking.

Ask him to tell them you’ve changed your mind and would like something else, specific or even the money towards your dream sofa.

Do you have dc? Velvet seats and white sofas sound a nightmare waiting to happen!

it’s not unreasonable that they are looking

You see I think it is. I cant for the life me imagine choosing a sofa for a 41 year old woman who has good taste herself or even if you didnt think so clearly has a distinctive taste. If my dd say they want a new sofa I would donate some money to the cause not start to choose for them. Unless - they specifically asked me.

The pram is one small example, she has done tons of similar things over years along with tons of other boundary crossing stuff which is why I am upset with DH asking them in the first place and secondly she has a hide thicker than rhino and no has not got any message at all.

My PIL do this kind of thing. I had to insist to DH I wasn't using the cot MIL bought for DS. We've been given so many things I didn't want over the years, sometimes when I desperately could have used the money for things I actually needed. Managed to dodge a few things but am stuck with others. Ludicrous.

well, your dh has to tell them, we will only allow sofas into out house if we choose them It is very kind to buy them, perhaps you could put some money towards the ones we wnat, we will order them ourselves.

I have to say its rather strange to be getting parents to buy you sofas at 40. Is he generally lacking in any dignity or is this a particular blindspot for him?

sofa choosing is not something he should be doing with mummy when he is married to you. he needs to detach from the boob in my opinion.

Yes Steppemum, tell them again!

A small childish nasty part of me thinks let them all choose and when they arrive I will simply refused to take them.

And yes, you do have both a DH and MIL problem. Tell him to tell her you didn't want them as a gift, you want to choose your own and pay for them yourself.

I assume Fil asked what we want for xmas and for some bizarre reason Kimmy, he has said sofas, even though we have been down this road.
He isn't attached to the boob ( yuk) he holds mil at arms length.

also they are holding money from his GM for him

Isn't he old enough to manage it himself? To me this is far odder than the sofa issue.

Just find the sofas excetra that you want. Send photos and details to Mil and say, thanks, these are the ones we want!

The doubly annoying this is - him saying no we will choose own sofas once again casts me as the bad guy who is stopping mummy from choosing us/her son, what she thinks are good quality long lasting sofas! She LOVES to shop and get a bargain etc this is her wet dream and I now I will be stopping it again.

Of course it's unreasonable that they're looking for sofas - they don't even have a good relationship with the OP, who's the one who'll be sitting on them!

If my children wanted a sofa I would hand over the money if I wanted to but wouldn't think I had the right to choose it - that's just ridiculous.

Why are they still withholding money from your partner?

Oh god, you've got to tell DH to tell them you want to buy your own sofas.

By the way, Ikea sofas are great. We've had our one for 11 years, and it's still going strong. They've stopped making the one we have, so I've taken advantage of the Black Friday sale at Bemz to get new covers for it today. Really looking forward to having the sofa in a different colour when we redecorate the living room soon.

I love interior design, and have had many a happy hour browsing the web for ideas, so I totally get how your MIL wanting to choose your sofas must make you feel.

YANBU at all!

not just the sofas - but why have they got his money? they do still think he is a child! If she does have a rhino hide he needs to be more direct in his language...

If she wants to sofa shop, she should buy herself one. It's ridiculous that she's planning to buy sofas for a son that age. Presumably she chooses her own things?

Can't your husband say, "Look mum, you wouldn't want someone else choosing your sofas. That's exactly how we feel."

There’s no way I’d let anyone else choose an item of furniture for my house, this is so bizarre!

Can you not find a picture of one you want and send it? Say if it's too much not to worry!

The man I bought my flat from let his mum do all his decorating. She bought him sofas like padded park benches - red and yellow check cushions over the park bench. Chairs to match and a glass coffee table to bark your shins on. And you should see what she did in the kitchen.

Put your foot down OP and make him put his foot down too.

I'd say it's already on order so she'll be duplicating if she buys one herself, but any money towards what you've got on order would be appreciated.

Solution without causing WW3 maybe?

The thing with a sofa is - it has to be comfortable.

Choosing one on its looks alone does not guarantee you years of enjoyment if it doesn't feel right. You'll hate it if it's not comfy.

Tell your DH to thank MIL for the offer, but you won't have any new sofas that you've not tried together.

You see the other issue is, the implication is that I am extravagant. Mil has many weird money things going on, she is very wealthy, but her friends are far wealthier and she is obsessed with buying with her money off. I get that because I do, I have too! We are low income family
But because I have Dec's for Xmas, Halloween, she looks horrified and pained any excuse to put me down in some way. So whilst I would love to to send her pics it would only add fuel to her fire.
I care much less what she thinks of me these days but still dh has put me in an extremely frustrating situation!

Which is why I am half inclined to let them go come and send them back.

"Hi MIL

I'm looking forward to picking a sofa...so much choice. I can't wait til you see the one we've picked. Thanks for your suggestions - at least you know what to pick when you get a new sofa!"