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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

see parents before they die

66 replies

lakeg · 19/11/2017 15:16

Went nc with parents two years back. Years of severe abuse starvation isolation and more

Now everyone i.e. friends and family are pressuring me to resume contact cause they might die.

They have always denied all abuse and nc happened after dm called me a mistake.

i always knew that.

do you think i should resume contact cause apparently i am going to have regrets if i dont

thank you for reading

OP posts:
Justbookedasummmerholiday · 19/11/2017 15:18

I am nc with both my dps also. Dm for 5 years, before that 10. And df over 20 years. I have no intention of making contact before they die. Why would I?
And why should you?
Don't let anyone guilt trip you into anything. Sounds like your nc is well justified.

abbsisspartacus · 19/11/2017 15:20

I went nc with my mom and my sister just got back in contact with them and yet again she (my mom) has let me down

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 19/11/2017 15:21

I didn't speak to my mother in the two years preceding her death. My only regret is that I didn't stop sooner.

FizzyGreenWater · 19/11/2017 15:22

Nope.

Your life, your only shot at it. Do it the best you can for you and those who love you.

Don't sacrifice it and spoil it for the sake of those who very much don't.

abbsisspartacus · 19/11/2017 15:22

I'm thinking low contact is in order here for me personally would that be something you would want or are you unbothered? Don't do it for other people do what you want it's your life

AuntieStella · 19/11/2017 15:22

Do you have a reliable source of information about them?

Is there any reason to think death is imminent?

Because if not, put this out of your mind.

jaseyraex · 19/11/2017 15:23

My DH is nc with his parents. I've never met them and it seems I never will. He has no intention of getting in touch with them even if they're on their death bed. I mean, why would you want to see people who put you through so much pain and misery? It's up to you OP, don't give in to the pressure if you're not interested.

kootoo123 · 19/11/2017 15:24

Why would you regret it? If they did the things you say then they are not worth their time. Forget them and let them rot guilt free.

If the falling out was for disagreement that spiralled then id agree with your family but neglect and abusers can f off.

Pay them no more mind UNLESS you have something to say to them you haven't already.

deckoff · 19/11/2017 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nonameyet1 · 19/11/2017 15:27

You are an adult, you get to choose if you want to see them. If they die, they die. It may make you feel a sense of relief when they do. Look after your own wellbeing.

Namechangetempissue · 19/11/2017 15:28

My DH was NC with his shitfather for over ten years. He decided not to go to the funeral when he died as in his word 'he is a stranger to me, I don't like him, it would be hypocritical of me to pretend I did'.
He doesn't regret it three years on.

pallisers · 19/11/2017 15:30

Years of severe abuse starvation isolation and more

Why on earth would you regret it? We are all going to die. It doesn't excuse our bad behaviour.

Tell people you have made your decision for very serious reasons and don't need any discussion now about it. Just don't discuss.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/11/2017 15:34

People have no bloody right or business pressuring you. How dare they.
You owe your parents nothing.

Capricorn76 · 19/11/2017 15:35

Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not seeing your DPs. I know someone who refused to see her DF on his deathbed and despite various relatives trying to guilt trip her she never regretted it. She remembers him as the man who held a knife to her DMs throat after years of abuse and after that night, her mother took her away and they never agreed to see him again for the 30ish years until his death.

JosephineBucket · 19/11/2017 15:36

I'm NC with a couple of family members due to abuse (thankfully not DPs) and have had to learn accept that there won't be any dramatic death bed reconciliation as they won't acknowledge they did any wrong.

Would you think counselling could be useful in working through your feelings?

Mustang27 · 19/11/2017 15:38

No I wouldn’t. Sounds like a similar upbringing to mine. I’d not care one iota if they died tomorrow.

There is nothing in it for you, you owe these people nothing.

I’m sorry you had to endure that Flowers

Hoppinggreen · 19/11/2017 15:39

I finally went Mc with my father when I found out I was pg - there was no way I was going to expose my child to his shit
When he was ill in hospital my brother asked me to go and see him as he was dying. I refused as firstly I didn't really care me secondly he used to pretend to be dying regularly to try and manipulate me
I didn't go to the funeral either - no regrets at all

StealthNinjaMum · 19/11/2017 15:40

It's a slightly different situation but I didn't invite one of my parents to my wedding. The parent not invited found out and was upset. You wouldn't believe how many interfering friends told me I had to invite both parents and I would regret it. Nearly a decade on I still don't. I do still have a sort of relationship with that parent and my wedding has never been brought up.

My point is there are lots of people who have had happy family relationships and they just don't understand why you would ever go low contact or no contact. Ignore them and don't feel bad. You know what your parents have done to you, they weren't there. If you have really thought about it and understand yourself then you should be able to come up with your answer.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2017 15:42

If your friends and family are saying this, have they actually been through such awful abuse themselves? Or are they in denial of their abuse?

The only regret I could think of was not cutting those arseholes off sooner. Yes, you may feel incredible guilt and pain when they die because of your feelings toward them. Or you may feel nothing at all if you’ve reconciled with your past although I’m assuming not though as you wouldn’t be posting asking us. But your feelings won’t change whether you see them or not.

The only thing I would consider doing is forgiving them. At a soul level. To have done what they did, they must be very damaged people, who were quite probably abused themselves. Forgiveness for you, to alleviate your pain, not them. And you certainly don’t have to see them to do that. You can send your forgiveness out in the universe. Different people have different viewpoints on the forgiveness front so it’s just a suggestion, not a dictat.

If these people won’t stop, and you decide not to see your parents, please protect yourself from them too. It could easily spill over into insidious abuse.

Butterymuffin · 19/11/2017 15:42

No, don't bother yourself with them. And tell people who say you should that they severely abused you and there's no going back from that.

StefMay · 19/11/2017 15:47

There's a reason for NC - that reason remain and they are unlikely to have had a personality transplant
I had NC for 9 years, then spoke and got shat on again so NC for 12yrs now - best decision EVER.

Your life to choose who you want in it and "family" is not a legal obligation. No regrets here

mylaptopismylapdog · 19/11/2017 15:49

No as Mustang says you owe them nothing and your friends and family should accept that.There is also the risk the people pressuring you are looking to share the burden of dealing with them. How much better is your life now without abuse? Any parent should want a life without abuse for their child yours didn’t. Don’t waver just savour the lack of abuse.

Splinterz · 19/11/2017 15:50

You do what you need to do.

If you need to see them, then do so. If you don't need to see them then don't. But, if you don't and you are possibly prone to regrets, then it will be too late to reverse that decision. However you may be comfortable with that decision.

ElephantsandTigers · 19/11/2017 15:50

Have you got anything you still need to say to them nd would you get the response you want and deserve back? If so, then I'd think about seeing them but if not, no.

I went NC with my birth mother before it was a thing. It's been 25 years or more since I last saw my mother and a few years since we have had contact albeit via a solicitor. I have lately been thinking about writing to her but dh has pointed out I won't get what I want back. I think he is right so I won't write. Having said that she is mid sixties and I'm aware she could die at any time but also live another 20 years. I am worried I'll be sad if I was to find out she had died but I also know I would feel huge relief as then my children will be safe from her.

I'm sad I'll never get closure with her but it's more I'm sad I never had a mum.

Go with your gut, what feels right for you and don't worry about what other people think.

honeyrider · 19/11/2017 15:52

I'm nc with my mother since my father's death over 14 years ago. I don't miss her, I neither like nor dislike her as she's nothing to me now.

I have no intention of going to her funeral whenever she dies but I've the creeping jesus brigade occasionally trying to guilt trip me into seeing her or at least going to her funeral whenever she dies but they're only interested in putting on a show in front of the neighbours. I could be dead before her so I hate how others try and guilt trip and manipulate me over something that could be years down the line.

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