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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

see parents before they die

66 replies

lakeg · 19/11/2017 15:16

Went nc with parents two years back. Years of severe abuse starvation isolation and more

Now everyone i.e. friends and family are pressuring me to resume contact cause they might die.

They have always denied all abuse and nc happened after dm called me a mistake.

i always knew that.

do you think i should resume contact cause apparently i am going to have regrets if i dont

thank you for reading

OP posts:
Original poster
lakeg · 19/11/2017 19:43

mselastic how is it your shame

We keep living with hope that we will be accepted and loved. We are told that parents give that and then when we dont get it...
all the heartache starts.

Someone told me to look at the good times. Unless you have suffered similarly you dont understand that there are no good times.

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 19/11/2017 19:50

You won’t mourn them so why bother.

You can only mourn the people you wished they had been.

Flowers
Jengnr · 19/11/2017 20:01

My mate had been NC for years with her mother when she died. She felt sad and grieve but for the mother she should have had, rather than the one she did have.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2017 20:19

Lake
I think it’s shame for them for being so grotesque. But yes, it’s still not her shame.

butterfly56 · 19/11/2017 20:48

Too much pain attached to them OP
Put yourself first
You are already grieving for the parents they should have been
When they pass it will hurt but there is a lot of relief that they can no longer hurt you Flowers

mselastic · 19/11/2017 21:07

I feel shame because maybe I am unlovable and undeserving, If my parents don't like the real me then who will?
How can your own mother say that? It is never something I can admit in real life

WhatwouldAryado · 19/11/2017 21:12

I know that feeling but I also have learned that the way I was treated was not bevause of me. Flowers you do deserve love.

HeebieJeebies456 · 19/11/2017 22:49

Now everyone i.e. friends and family are pressuring me to resume contact cause they might die

They are what we call 'flying monkeys'.....coming out with the classic emotional blackmail line of 'but they won't live forever/they're your parents'

You would be well within your rights to tell them all to mind their own damn business, and remind them it's a small world so no doubt you will hear about it when it happens.

justilou1 · 20/11/2017 09:19

I don't know what you will gain from going to see them.

I nursed my abusive mother for months when she was dying. It didn't improve her behaviour and it didn't improve our relationship. To be honest, it got worse. This took valuable time away from my kids when they were also going through turmoil (for other reasons). The only thing it did was allow other people to truly see how horrible she was to me as her "filter" came off when she was very sick. She was verbally abusive and bit me in front of her friends. (So there was a small sense of validation)
I didn't do it for her. I did it for me, and for my kids. To show them what compassion is, to teach them that sometimes you have to do the right thing to be humane.
Don't for one minute think that there was any resolution - there wasn't. I'm totally polarised when I look back about whether or not I did the right thing. She was a horrible person, who died horribly in the end. Not even that brought a sense or resolution.

SeaEagleFeather · 20/11/2017 09:48

do you think i should resume contact cause apparently i am going to have regrets if i dont

It sounds like they're worried for you, how you might feel after your parents' death

Except it's impossible to think that (most) people who come out with 'you'll regret it' actually genuinely do care for the deep and severe distress that bad parenting leaves you with. Most people who come out with 'regret' are trying to make you conform to a social norm to make -them- feel better. Plus they generally have no idea of the reality of what abusive parents are like.

Ellendegeneres · 20/11/2017 10:00

I'm nc with my two siblings for over 8yrs. Unfortunately this has meant my lovely niece too, but I had to get the poison out of my life.
I am nc with my f for at least 7yrs, my sister for two. Last I saw was at family members funeral. F playing the woe is me card- family member fucking hated the scumbag, he tried to hug me but I got as far away as possible.
The sister is a flying monkey, and I can't have info passed back to the others, so she was collateral (I know that sounds harsh, but it's how it had to be)
My family are the Jeremy Kyle show family from hell. You could fill weeks with the issues- drugs, violence, various reasons for breakdowns.
But I'm happy being nc. It's safer for me, and my mh. And most importantly, my dc. Sometimes, when you've experienced hell, the safest thing is to lock the door on it and throw away the key. People don't change. Evil people are evil.
Keep them away from you op, believe me it's the best thing you can do.

ptumbi · 20/11/2017 10:37

friends and family are pressuring me to resume contact cause they might die - how dare they tell you how you will feel? Especially if they weren't there to see the abuse dished out to you!

You can stay NC, you can leave one line of contact open if you want (I keep FB messenger open (not FB itself) for my toxic sister to contact me if/when my mum passes; it's the only form of contact she has. When mum goes I will have no problem in disappering from sister's life altogether.)

Holyknight · 20/11/2017 11:12

The only reason you should see them is if YOU feel you need to. Otherwise absolutely not.

My DP hadnt spoken to his F for years after a childhood Of extreme abuse both physical and emotional. He did see him on his deathbed maybe hoping for closure. He didn’t get it. Just more shouting, screaming and general vileness. I think seeing him again especially when he was pretty close to death just fucked him up even more poor guy. Now he has memories of those last few days on top of everything else. And it reinforces just how totally fucked up his DB and DSs are too as a consequence of his bastard of a father. I wish he hadn’t gone and so does he.

PavlovianLunge · 20/11/2017 11:47

They abused you, starved you and isolated you. You owe them nothing; you owe it to yourself to live the happiest life that you can, which can best be achieved by staying NC with your abusers.

Original poster
lakeg · 21/11/2017 19:33

I sent all those flying monkeys a message

Thank you for being concerned about my well being but there is a lot about my life you dont know about.

Have not heard a word.

All of who have been here please know I am sorry for the pain you have suffered.

OP posts:
schmoozypoo · 21/11/2017 19:42

I was convinced to go and see my father on his death bed after years of NC, everyone said I would regret it if I didn't but to be honest I regretted going. It cost me money and time and he hadn't changed. He didn't regret leaving me or being an awful man. It just caused me more heartache and I wish I had stuck to my guns. I hope you make the right decision for you OP x

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