see parents before they die

[lakeg]

Went nc with parents two years back. Years of severe abuse starvation isolation and more

Now everyone i.e. friends and family are pressuring me to resume contact cause they might die.

They have always denied all abuse and nc happened after dm called me a mistake.

i always knew that.

do you think i should resume contact cause apparently i am going to have regrets if i dont

thank you for reading

Your friends are not you.
Some people do regret not to contact parents they were NC before their death.
Some people regretted having contacted their parents they were nc with before their death.
It depends so much on where you are, the reasons why you are nc etc...

The question you need to ask yourself is ‘do I really want to see them one last time?’
What would be my aim doing so?
What am I expecting form a meeting with them?
Is it likely to throw me back into a place I dont want to be in?

No one on this thread can tell you what is best. People ca;only tell you hat was best for them

" pressuring me to resume contact cause they might die."

Sorry to sound flippant, but they will die one day & your resuming contact will not stop this!

If you have made peace with your decision & that you have seen the for the last time, then why would you resue contact?

apparently i am going to have regrets if i dont - and when and if this happens, it will be your regret. Not theirs. Nothing to do with them, in fact.

I am NC with my father for 25+ years, my sister for over 8. I will not have any regrets when he dies, infact I don't think I'd even know about it.

I've already greived the relationship I should have had with my father. He was never a decent man and I am sorry for him. And for my loss of a decent man. And my loss of a decent sister.

But I don;t regret not seeing him or her. I have No-body in my life who doesn't enhance it.

What do you think is best for you? Are you feeling guilty at the thought of not saying good-bye to them in person whilst they're still alive? Or are you relieved that you've had nothing to do with them for some time and you don't feel the need to have any contact with them even though they may be on or near their death-beds now?

Ask yourself: 'do I think I will regret not seeing them when it's 15 years in the future?".

You can only make your best guess, of course. There are no guarentees. But do you think that in the future you will regret it, or not?

Many people who don't understand what toxic parents are like, think you -have- to see them before they die. But from what I can see, some people never regret not seeing their parents (especially if the parents are unrepentant). Others see them and are glad, just because it's set clearly in their minds for the last time their parents really were that awful.

It comes down to you, not to other people.

(fwiw I thought long and hard about inviting my mother and my father to my wedding and made the choice not to. Some years on, I don't regret it at all. I am sad that they are the sort of people who would have blighted the wedding, but given that they are - well, the day was way nicer without them. That's different from a last deathbed meeting, admittedly. I'll cross that one with my father if I'm told that he's dying and wants to see me. But I can't imagine it'd be a constructive meeting).

I went NC with my parents my dad is dead now..I never regretted it..Nor do I now. My life is much happier without them.

I agree with the poster who says if you have a loving set of parents it is really beyond comprehension going NC.

Do what is right for you. They never put you first time for you to put you first.

Only you can make that decision, don’t let anyone guilt trip you into having contact you don’t want with your parents. You certain don’t owe them anything after what they put you through.

They treated you - a child - appallingly. Why should you contact them in view of the sad facts?
And remember, guilt is a useless emotion.

I would say no..if you have built a protective shell by going nc, you might shatter it. But your choice.

I can't believe people are pressuring you. You have made your decision and it's completely understandable and completely your choice.
I'm nc with my abusive father and the only person who has tried to persuade me to stay in touch is my DM (they've been divorced since I was 1) her reasons being that I might get some inheritance when he dies. She didn't get a very polite response.

It's up to you, it's really quite difficult.

I didn't know how ill a relative I'd NC was, I wonder to this day what they would have said knowing the end is approaching.

The other side of that NC with family due to various reasons, I know it's really going to hurt should the time come, but on the other hand I don't feel like I should have to take the Russian roulette of what mood they might be in, to risk having a good/bad out come.

I still text, I don't think one even knows who I am anymore, another promised something and hasn't delivered, I'm kinda talking to another I need to get that sorted sharpish just to see how it goes. The one I'm talking to is a gateway to others when I'm trying to get in touch and they're refusing to speak. I'm usually contacting as communication is going to benefit them not me.

I would look on Amazon at books about Narc parents. One they know we both hate it being this way, but they just can't be civil. I can't cope with that so nothing I can do really, as much as I'd love to.

Message me if you want, let me know you've messaged as the app doesn't. But I've NC for many years, I don't know if a life threatening situation would change that. I don't know whether it's best to have the guilt or try and get over it.

You need to do what's right for you. Only you can answer that, I don't think you will ever get an apology, they are in denial.

I've been NC with my mother for nearly 6 years now.

It won't change. I know she is going to die at some point. I'm not even sure that anyone would think to tell me when she does.

So no, I won't be going to see her. I know she won't have anything to say that I want to hear and it won't help anything.

I'll never understand why some people think dna makes an unbreakable emotional attachment. I know some of those people have been brought up in highly toxic families and are deep in FOG and believe the lies.
My GM was horrible (not evil) to us as GC. I barely saw her in the last 15 years of her life. She died a few years ago, I didn't see her, I didn't go to the funeral, I have never cried. I have no regrets. Given your circumstances I would imagine even less that you would have regrets. These people are just trying to add to the drama, don't join in after all you've been though to escape it.

Just say to them to stop telling you what you should do and how your regret it, they no nothing of the particulars surrounding you going no contact so request they shut up.

No one else’s business OP. No one goes NC with parents without good reason. I am NC with my mum, and as others have said my only regret is not seeing the light sooner!

If they still don't believe they abused you I can't see this ending in anything but disappointment for you.

They had their chance at parenting you. You don't owe them anything and it is nobody's business but yours.

People love the idea of a nice neat reconciliation before people die but that is unrealistic and often involves the victim making all the sacrifice.

Do it but only if you think it will have positive impact on your life

My mother died this year. NC for 13 years.

No regrets - just relieved that when people ask if I still have my parents I can now honestly say no.

Actually, I have one regret. My brother was left to make all the arrangements and I do feel guilty about that. Six kids, only two were still in contact with her.

I am low contact with my dad. It was a volatile relationship but the lack of contact is more to do with his second marriage, which is very happy, and the arrival of my half brothers. So we send cards and phone on big occasions, but he has never laid eyes on my PFB, who is 18 now. It's not unfriendly; just a bit distant. I will attend his funeral, and console his widow kindly; she's a pleasant woman.

Thank you for all your replies. For those you have shared their own experiences I know it is not an easy subject. For the others, thank you for being compassionate.

There is never going to be an apology so I am not waiting for that. I think I have made my peace. Not to the point where it is all perfect but I can get through the days.

Thank you so very much. All these people who never helped me out suddenly telling me that I should do it really played with my mind.

I’ve been NC for 15 years.

People with non-abusive backgrounds often think that things from childhood should be left in the past and do not understand that NC was a last resort.

I won’t ever go back to see them and I’m fine with that.

My DH is currently NC with his father. I fully support him but do check with him occasionally that he is OK with never seeing him again if he died, for no other reason than I don't want him to wish he should have said more to him, I don't want DH to suffer later in life with no chance of talking it through. He does say he doesn't need to say anymore and I have to respect that he knows his own mind. His father deserves no more contacting us at all...

I think you should do exactly what you want to do.... ignore outside influences who, whoever well meaning, didn’t love through the exact circumstances.... if you fell you should see them then do so, You can always walk away in control. Good luck 👍

Trigger Warning

I’m virtually NC with my brother and low contact with my DM. My brother still idolises our father, who abused my DSis and me. He’s got serious MH issues and has virtually no memory of our childhood. (My DSis and I had repressed the memories ourselves but they’ve come back during the last few years.) He also participated in the abuse as a boy, though he was also a victim.

I just can’t be around him, I have to protect myself and my DDs. My DH answers the phone when he calls, otherwise we have no contact.

My DM says she knew nothing about the abuse and she’s devastated by what we’ve told her. I do believe her, but that’s because she wasn’t around, she was so focused on work that even when she was there her mind was on other things. We were raised by au pairs. I avoid talking to her as much as I can, but she has a close relationship with her DGDs so I keep the door open for their sakes. Plus she’s 78 and lives alone so I do want to make sure she’s ok.

I have been in a similar situation to you. I hadn't seen my father for 8 years and found out he was in intensive care.

I asked myself the question would i regret it if I didn't go? That was sooo tough to answer. In the end I realised i still had the hope that he may have changed so I decided to go.

I went and was incredibly nervous. He looked a pathetic weak man- and he hadn't changed at all. My mother left messages saying " we don't need people like you in our lives" and "How dare you turn up"

For me- it was the final straw. I knew I would never see anyone in my family again.

I grieved for my parents then. I feel ashamed typing their response-