Wedding date drama....

[buntingandstarcharts]

Apologies if I’ve posted in the wrong place, wasn’t sure the best place to get advice on this.

I have two best friends, we are really close, lived together through uni and then for 6 years after that.

However, this situation has arisen and I’m stuck in between in an awkward position! It really is first world problems, but would appreciate people’s opinions on who is ‘right’ here.

Best friend 1 (who is less flush and who has saved for years for a flat/wedding) got engaged last year. She booked her wedding for the end of August 2018.

Best friend 2 (who earns a lot, and has a huge amount of savings from bonus’ to buy houses/holidays etc) got engaged 3 weeks ago. She has booked her wedding for two weeks before BF1 at a much fancier venue.

Both want it during school holidays.

BF1 is upset and hurt. She has a limited number of guests due to cost and feels that BF2 will have a fancy wedding and will invite as many of our friends as she wants. BF1 thinks the weddings will be compared and that BF2 should have considered her feelings more.

So who is ‘right’?

BF 1 for thinking that BF 2 should have waited until after her own wedding to have hers? Or at least asked whether she minded. Or had it at the beginning of summer hols?

BF2 for thinking that she shouldn’t have to answer to anyone about when she should have her wedding/it isn’t a big deal/people won’t compare and if she wants school holiday wedding then that’s when it has to be. Her venue is only available on the date that’s 2 weeks before BF2.

BF2 is right.
BF1 needs to grow up and stop thinking it’s all about her.

Why is BF1 getting married?
To stage a performance or to show her commitment to the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with?

Time for her to give her head a wobble.

I can see why 1 is upset. But I wouldn't get involved if I were you, there's no reason you should have to pick a side.

I'm not sure either is more "right" than the other. I think BF2 has been insensitive and I can see why BF1 might be put out. But BF2 is within her rights to have her wedding when she wants.

Bf1 needs to realise life’s not fair, this type of thing happens all the time, someone gets pregnant before you, better job than you, more money, better looking ... enjoy what you have and get married because you want to marry your man, not oneupmanship

I think they both need to consider what’s important. It’s not a competition and they both need to grow up a bit?

Er BF1 needs to grow up a touch! However it is really really annoying when you save for something and take ages over planning and then boom another person steam rollers in and makes there thing the bigger flashier thing. It's tricky but if it was me I'd make sure my wedding was as far apart as possible from my friends tbh.

If bf2 had booked it for the same day then maybe bf1 would have more of a 'right' to be pissed. But there's a few weeks between them, bf1 doesn't have the monopolys on weddings that summer simply because she got engaged first

BF1 is being utterly ridiculous and quite frankly juvenile. I'd be embarrassed of her behaviour, and long would have told her how unreasonable she was being. What an awful attitude to have, I don't usually like the word 'jealousy' but it's an ugly thing when it does rear it's head. If she doesn't get a grip now, her negative attitude could well put a damper on bride 2's wedding and then what? Either a big falling out or B1's jealous behaviour continuing if and when they have children? Not pleasant either way.

BF2 is right. If she wanted it in summer hols I don't see how being 4 weeks before or 2 weeks before makes any difference.
BF1 needs to shelve this jealousy she has and stop pleading poverty.

I think BF1 is being a bit childish, but I wouldn't get involved if I were you.

Congratulations on probably the mumsnettiest dilemma I've ever seen.

I would sympathise more with BF1 if it was a sibling or cousin getting married 2 weeks before, how much of a guest list overlap would there be anyway?

I do feel for her, last thing you want in the 2 manic weeks before your wedding is to have the weekend taken up. But sadly you get 1 day and her wedding will be amazing for her regardless.

Will BF2 be able to make it or will she be on honeymoon? I'd be sad if that was the case.

The money situation shouldn't come into it.

Give me small and intimate over flash and crass any day.

It's supposed to be about declaring love and commitment and not a spendfest.

Big expensive weddings preceeded by multiple hen/stag parties prior seem to be the norm but miss the point.

They're each having the wedding they want and can afford. What if bf1 had booked her wedding for August 2019, would she have expected bf2 to wait until after that so she didn't have hers first?

Life isn't fair.

Friends of mine booked their crazy expensive wedding for 2 and a half years after their engagement. My god it went on for ages. I then got engaged and planned the wedding to happen in 6 months, far less swanky but it happened to be for the month before. Lots of similar friends but mine was half the size.

We booked a date which suited us, work commitments, our families. The venue wasn't that close and it was a totally different type of wedding.

The bride of the other couple was so annoyed ours was going to be first she barely said congratulations. Got so drunk at my (low key, cheap, relaxed, no stress) hen do she had to leave two hours in, and spent the night before our wedding when we alll met at the pub banging on incessantly about theirs and then on the day started invited people she'd never met before to their wedding.

We laughed it off but it was really embarrassing that the 2 odd years she'd already had obsessing about every bloody detail wasn't enough time in the spot light and she had to try and play top trumps.

In our case, they actually seemed more annoyed ours cost less as we didn't go into mega debt to pay for it and it was still a lovely day.

Are we to expect hen do drama also?? If so can't wait.

As Doobigetta says - don't pick a side. They will eventually work it out but they will rembember that you picked a side.

BF2 shouldn't feel bad because of BF1's insecurities.

I agree - BF1 is being a bit silly. People of about the same age tend to get married at about the same time. And a lot of people like to have late spring or summer weddings. Therefore you go through stages of going to weddings all very close together.

They'll be completely different events, with different families attending. The only overlap will be the brides' friends. And fancier does not, in my experience, necessarily make for a better event. Two brothers I know got married within six months of each other. One married a lady from a wealthy family who paid for a very smart hotel wedding. One married a lady from a much poorer background and it was a village hall affair where her mum did the catering. The first wedding was smart but rather sterile. The second was absolutely great fun! Everyone socialised, everyone was dancing together, all the kids were having a super time.

So BF1 shouldn't worry. She should get on with her own thing and enjoy her own day. It's not a competition. It's really not.

Thank you for your honest replies. It’s extremely interesting to hear an objective view. I haven’t actually picked a size, or been asked to, currently they’re both silently seething and calling me off the hook to discuss and I’m trying to support both. I suggested to BF 1 that if it was such a big deal then she should change her date. 😱

calling me off the hook to discuss

Avoid this at all costs. You'll probably try to be diplomatic and offend neither, but both will go away with it set in stone that you agree with them, and are on their side. Then when they start arguing, they'll both claim that you support them. Stay out of it, is my advice.

I would tell BF 1 she really needs to suck it up, however annoyed she feels in reality BF2 hasn’t done anything wrong. You need to be gently telling BF1 that none of the problems she sees in this scenario are really problems.

BF1 is unreasonable

Is she getting married because she wants to be with her partner forever or because she wants to have a party?!

There's not only so much happiness to go around, this should be a lovely time for your friends and they're falling out over petty small minded nonsense

BF1 is being very weird about this.

I got married in the middle of May, booked everything, including the honeymoon, then one of my best friends picked the late May bank holiday for her wedding, two weeks later.
She was totally aware of our date and we had to cut short our honeymoon as we wanted to be there for her, but it wasn’t a big deal, just a bit of a cost to change flights. It’s just what you do for a friend.

Venues have limited dates, particularly in the school holidays.

It sounds like BF1 would be weird about this even if the other wedding was a month before!

Her venue is only available on the date that’s 2 weeks before BF2.

I missed this bit. This is the clincher, surely? The venue has then (kind of) dictated the date, hasn't it? Not BF2 thinking "I know, I'll book my wedding for a fortnight before BF1's to steal her thunder".

I can understand why BF1 is annoyed as now the other wedding is first it might mean that the friends who are overlapped may choose to attend one and not the other if finances were tight and the other wedding being first might mean she loses out, or it affects hen do attendance. And I suppose if she’s worked hard planning for ages she might be more sensitive to comparisons BUT in the grand scheme of things so few people will be affected by this(the guests going to both that is) that it’s really not an issue

There is no way I would've booked my wedding within at least a month of my best friend's. I wouldn't have been too fussed about who was first, but would definitely have left a bigger buffer than 2 weeks. And I was far from bridezilla. And BF even further. A two week gap with more distant friends, sure. But then I'm Irish and weddings tend to be a much bigger deal there, maybe the etiquette is different in the UK.