Wedding date drama....

[buntingandstarcharts]

Apologies if I’ve posted in the wrong place, wasn’t sure the best place to get advice on this.

I have two best friends, we are really close, lived together through uni and then for 6 years after that.

However, this situation has arisen and I’m stuck in between in an awkward position! It really is first world problems, but would appreciate people’s opinions on who is ‘right’ here.

Best friend 1 (who is less flush and who has saved for years for a flat/wedding) got engaged last year. She booked her wedding for the end of August 2018.

Best friend 2 (who earns a lot, and has a huge amount of savings from bonus’ to buy houses/holidays etc) got engaged 3 weeks ago. She has booked her wedding for two weeks before BF1 at a much fancier venue.

Both want it during school holidays.

BF1 is upset and hurt. She has a limited number of guests due to cost and feels that BF2 will have a fancy wedding and will invite as many of our friends as she wants. BF1 thinks the weddings will be compared and that BF2 should have considered her feelings more.

So who is ‘right’?

BF 1 for thinking that BF 2 should have waited until after her own wedding to have hers? Or at least asked whether she minded. Or had it at the beginning of summer hols?

BF2 for thinking that she shouldn’t have to answer to anyone about when she should have her wedding/it isn’t a big deal/people won’t compare and if she wants school holiday wedding then that’s when it has to be. Her venue is only available on the date that’s 2 weeks before BF2.

This is really the result of telling women since they were little girls is that their wedding day is the best day of their lives and imply it's all downhill from there. They have peaked, they have served their purpose and snagged a man. After they push out some babies they reason for existing is pretty much down.

In either case there is too much pressure on women to have a "perfect" wedding. If this weren't the case, your two best friends might have even planned a double wedding and shared the costs and the experiences.

I think the fact they (or maybe just BF1) are comparing this is a bit ridiculous. People can have their weddings whenever and wherever they want. Guests can choose to come or not come. It's not a competition. I would only think it was rude if BF2 booked her wedding for the exact same day, knowing that the other friend had long since booked that day. That's a bit rude. Otherwise, venues are hard to come by and you often have to take the dates that are available, especially if you want a particular venue. We only had a choice of two dates all summer when we booked our wedding.

I think if BF1 is insecure about her own wedding and unhappy with it in comparison to anyone else's, then she should have saved up longer and gone for something different. But in reality, guests really don't care about the venue and how fancy it is. We had a lovely small wedding at a really interesting venue and it was very unique to us and personal. It wasn't exactly done on the cheap, but it wasn't over the top. It was very typical country wedding, but we made it very personal and different. We've had several weddings since it the family at very posh venues (one last year, it was their third, yes, third wedding, they had two overseas and then once back in the UK, cost £75,000, no joke, just for venue where the bride's family stayed for 4 days, not including bar, caterers, wait staff, officiant, cars, dress, etc, literally just a big house for the weekend). No one really enjoyed it, it was poorly planned, food and bar sucked, fancy but not personal. But people still talk about how much they remember our wedding, which was nothing like that. I think your friend should focus on her own wedding, make it special and personal, and not worry about anyone else. And then you can just rise above it and celebrate both of them and don't get dragged into any petty bickering about it.

How many overlapping friends will they have? Presumably they don't share school friends, relatives, work colleagues etc etc, only the people they both know from University, and of those you can only count those who they both like well enough to invite to their weddings, and who are likely to attend.. Which is possibly only you.

I had this dilemma with my sister. We still don’t talk much now. I booked a wedding (less fancy than hers) for 3 months before hers. She made such a drama out of it that I had to cancel (our mum was in the middle)

BF2 doesn’t have to ask anyone’s permission to get married to the person she wants to be with.

BF1 wedding maybe less fancy but I bet it’ll be more fun anyway

BF2 is right.
BF1 needs to think about what is important / why she is getting married.
Surely only the University friends are going to be the same - all families and other friends will be different.

I opened this assuming you were going to say it was on the same day. I really can't see an issue with this.

Dates will have been quite tight during the school holidays. They are both lucky to get a weekend date at all.

BF1 is being precious. If I ended up in the middle of this, I'd just say something about it being twice as much fun and even more to look forward to with both.

If I was bf1 I guess I’d be silently a bit miffed, but that’s it. It’s about marrying the man you love. I wouldn’t put my wedding on hold by potentially a whole year (assuming bf2 wants a summer wedding at the specific venue) because of this. I think I’d have given bf1 a heads up that that was the only date available so it had to be then.

The guest list will be pretty similar, we have a big group of about 20+ friends who both best friends will want there. Lots of them have children so childcare costs are another worry for BF1 who honks people will sack off her wedding for the first one. Thanks all, I’m finding this very helpful.

*thinks!

BF1 is being ridiculous. Marriage is about the commitment of two people taking their vows. The rest is just a big party. Maybe she needs to think about why she is getting married.

BF1 is being really childish and petty, there is so much more to getting married than competing with other weddings.
Does she usually behave like the world revolves around her?

Don't whatever you do agree that you think the other one is being unreasonable on any point however small. Just keep broken record "I love you both and can see both sides", otherwise it will come back and bite you on the bum bitter experience

If I was friend1 I would be hurt that someone who I thought was a good friend would organise something without considering my feelings. But you can't say that outright.

The only person doing any comparing is BF1. Tell her if she doesn’t stop she’ll ruin it for herself.

Both need to be happy for each other and grow up (esp BF1)

This is really the result of telling women since they were little girls is that their wedding day is the best day of their lives and imply it's all downhill from there

Ugh, yes. I can't stand this wedding madness. It's a PARTY and you have huge numbers of people getting into debt to fund it. It's insane.

I think BF1 is the one that needs to adjust her state of mind here.

The fact only date available in the time she wants to get married makes BF2 have not much choice unless she wants to wait a year to apease someone else.

The reason I generally dislike weddings these days is it is not about 2 people making a commitment to each other its about a show. Maybe if we got back to basics people may think more about the marriage than the show.

I don't compare one wedding to another. I don't look at someones wedding dress and think of I prfererred BF 1 or BF2. I might or might not like the dress, think it really suits them but not for me but never compare to someone else.

I also would keep well out. Tell BF1 it is what it is so deal with it and look forward to your day.

I don't understand why BF2 is phoning as she obviously had the information before hand. If she is wanting to know what BF1 is saying keep out.

Bf1 is being ridiculous though it’s ok to be (quietly, slightly) miffed about this.
If the venue bf2 wanted was only available on one date then it’s very difficult for her to do anything else really, other than wait a year which would be ridiculous.

Bf1 needs to grow up. Posher weddings aren’t always the best weddings by any stretch. Cheaper ones are often more fun.

I’ve just realised that exactly the same happened to two good friends of mine who married a week apart. The first one was much more hastily arranged. The two days were very different and there was no “comparison”. The only slight issue was that the girl who married first was unable to come to the second because she’d gone on honeymoon.
Will there be this issue here with the weddings two weeks apart?

DB and SIL got engaged after us but married before due to financial reasons and I admit to feeling very sad and a bit jelous but I knew that IWBU it's the person you are marrying that matters the rest of the wedding is just fluff really. For me it was more frustration about how long it was taking for us to save, rather than theirs being first. I was secretly relieved when they announced the wedding was to be abroad that they had picked a very different type of wedding to us. Ours was small intimate and relaxed and what we wanted, theres was flash and expensive and what they wanted. Why not try to get BF1 to focus on the real reason she is getting married and suggest that they get excited over the shared experience rather than fighting.

Ps don’t take sides it’s not your issue

BF2 is right. BF1 is being silly and precious.

OP, I suggest if either of them mention this to you that you say you refuse to discuss it at all.

Two years after graduating I had EIGHT weddings that summer, all university or school friends, so lots of duplicated guests. It wouldn't have crossed anyone's minds then (mid 80s) that there can only be The One Wedding per year and that everyone else has to put their life on hold for whoever booked first.

Have weddings just got out of hand now (certainly hen nights have)? It often seems for some people that it's more about the wedding than the marriage.

I feel really sorry for bf1. You lot are harsh. Can you honestly say that you would be all grown up about this and not feel like bf1? You are all better people than me then.
Just stay completely out of it op. Don't talk to them about the others reactions.

BF2 cannot be expected to put her life on hold because of BF1's inferiority complex. The dates don't clash and I'm sure both events will be enjoyable.

I think both are right, or rather both friends feelings are valid. I have something similar at the moment. I realise that I'm not the only bride in the world,I don't own a particular time of year to get married and it's totally unreasonable to expect someone to change postpone their wedding because of me, but I surprised myself at how stomp my feet childish I was (in private,I would never have acted that way with my friend). It sounds like they both need to sit down together and talk it out,sticking with how they are feeling rather than accusing or blaming each other. It's unfair they are putting you in the middle, I'd tell them both as such. Just keep referring them both to each other.

I don’t think either is particularly in the wrong. Bf2 probably should have been a bit more thoughtful and spoke to bf1 about it. BF1 needs to appreciate August is a very popular time for weddings and that she can’t earmark a whole month just for her wedding. And also she can’t be upset by someone having more and more easily gained money to splash on stuff like this. But I do think bf2 should have kept it in mind that it might be a sensitive matter for bf1.
You would be unreasonable to take sides (easier said than done I know) and they would be unreasonable to expect you to do so.