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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not getting over DPs conversations about us with his Ex Wife?

63 replies

Vegetablegarden · 06/11/2017 23:21

I have lived with my DP for 3 years, I thought I’d found the one! We’ve just had a baby.

However I’ve just found out that he is still having quite intimate conversations with his two Exes, his ex wife and GF before me, about us. I saw a couple of these conversation from social media and DP said that he wasn’t sure if he loved me, to both his Ex wife and his Ex GF.

I’m afraid I did look at his messages after I saw the phone bill recently which showed that he and his Ex wife text each other now and then as late as midnight/1am and got spooked. I asked him and he said it was just to leave messages about their kids (two with Ex wife).

Now I know his Ex wife and Ex GF both have new boyfriends, so I don’t think they are getting back together or having an affair, anything like that. I guess I’m just gutted that he’s telling them about our problems. I’m also gutted that he isn’t sure whether he is into me, especially as we have a new baby.

I really did and do think that we are so suited, we had a whirlwind romance and DP was very keen to commit. He’s responsible, kind and fun, and finally I met someone who seemed to get me. I took it as a good sign that he still got on with his Exes however not to this extent. AIBU?

OP posts:
LineysRun · 06/11/2017 23:26

Everyone needs a confidante; but some things cross the line for some people.

Do they have children together? That means they'll always be in touch - But they don't need to be discussing you.

doodle01 · 06/11/2017 23:27

Intimate conversations ?
Personal maybe
timing of the messages he may not have been certain at the time
You do have a baby together that's massive - stop looking into his private messaging and judge him on his actions as father and partner.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 06/11/2017 23:29

Wrong.

Staying friendly for the sake of the DCis fine but they really don't need to be doing that at midnight and why would you be bought unto the conversation?

I'm sorry Flowers

Sooooooooooooooooooooo · 06/11/2017 23:29

I would be judging him on his comment about not being sure he loved me.

Original poster
Vegetablegarden · 06/11/2017 23:30

It’s just there is a crack in the relationship, to me it’s because of the normal strain of having a child, juggling blended families etc. However confiding in his Exes has given me a new insecurity, widened that crack.

I don’t want to look at any more messages, but I now have a new ‘what is he talking about with them’ fear that I’d rather not have. Feeling insecure enough looking drab, tired etc with the baby!

OP posts:
MayFayner · 06/11/2017 23:30

I don't know, I think telling two separate exes that he's not sure about you is a bit much.

I would ask him directly OP.

SleightOfMind · 06/11/2017 23:31

DH and I would not discuss negative feelings about one another with people who knew us. It’s a conversation he should be having with you, before anyone else.

I’d be really hurt too OP.

Original poster
Vegetablegarden · 06/11/2017 23:33

sooo yes that comment pierced me to the bone - I hadn’t even realised he was wavering in his love. I asked him, fessed up to seeing his messages, and he said it’s just one of those things, that I should have hope, love isn’t something that we can control, but that he cared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vegetablegarden · 06/11/2017 23:34

doodle timing was from mid pregnancy to a month ago.

OP posts:
Sooooooooooooooooooooo · 06/11/2017 23:36

So he just cares about you? That’s not great is it.

His behaviour is inappropriate, he should be talking to you.

LineysRun · 06/11/2017 23:36

So he does have children with both or one of his Exes? 'Have hope' - wtf?

Original poster
Vegetablegarden · 07/11/2017 00:06

Kids with just his ex wife.

His ex gf is someone I admit I feel a little threatened by. She thrives on male attention and used to be totally inappropriate when me and DP first went out. She phoned him up once at 3am while we were together as we’d been to a club and she was cross that he hadn’t talked to her enough. She moved away but has just moved back.

OP posts:
whenthestarsturnblue · 07/11/2017 01:42

His ex gf is someone I admit I feel a little threatened by. She thrives on male attention and used to be totally inappropriate when me and DP first went out.

Your instinct is probably correct. Him discussing me with not one but 2 exes would be my absolute dealbreaker. And I would put up with a lot of crap; this is not on, new baby, new family, why is he even in contact with the ex he has no kids with??Why? Because he is not and never has been emotionally invested in anyone, he sounds extremely immature.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 07/11/2017 02:06

Sorry op but your dp is an absolute asshole! Love doesn't just disappear, it changes but it doesn't disappear! Either he lied and never loved you in the first place, or he is being a nasty swine who enjoys making you insecure by discussing your relationship with his exes! I would show him the door! You deserve so much better than a partner who only 'cares'! You are the Mother of his child, and you deserve better than a disrespectful asshole, who obviously is only interested in the fun and new infatuation part of a relationship. He needs to grow up!

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 07/11/2017 02:12

Hmm I think he's overstepped the mark, talking about your personal relationship with not one but two ex's, yes I can totally get staying friends & having someone to talk to as I have a ex from 15 years ago that I have stayed very close too & consider one of my best friends & one of the few people in this world I can 100% open up to & hope he feels the same & we quite regular find each other there for each other late night phone calls when one of us is going through something but when it comes to either of our partners or any problems we may be having its like the unspoken rule we just don't discuss it with each other most we say is how's ...... doing? Or general talk like oh we've booked a holiday to .....,
Its just something we don't do outta respect for our partners, tbh though your main issue should be that he was discussing this with other people & not u irravant of them being ex's

innagazing · 07/11/2017 02:30

I couldn't live with a man who wasn't sure that he loved me. I'd have to tell him to live separately from me, regardless of just having had a baby together.

loui5a · 07/11/2017 02:46

You deserve better

Pengggwn · 07/11/2017 04:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

furiousandmad · 07/11/2017 04:28

Agree that you deserve much better. You deserve a partner who loves you completely, not one who tells you to hope he might love you one day!!! Don’t stay in this excuse for a relationship with a man who is disloyal to you OP, there is someone out there for you who will love you totally. So sorry this has happened to you. X

Shadow666 · 07/11/2017 04:40

Gosh, it's all a bit Prince Charles, "Whatever love is".

Do you think he cheats on you? Not with his Exes but with other women. He doesn't sound very committed I'm afraid.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 07/11/2017 07:13

he said it’s just one of those things, that I should have hope, love isn’t something that we can control, but that he cared

Ditch him. He's just told you that he doesn't love you - if he did, then he would have said so. The comment about "hope" is vile TBH. It suggests that what he wants is for you to bend over backwards doing the 'pick me dance' whilst he goes off and has cosy conversations with any woman he likes the look of. But that you should hang on and be 'hopeful' - and presumably carry on raising his child, cleaning the house, cooking the meals and providing sex on tap?

Find your self-respect. You're worth more than this. Bin him. He won't change and if you persist in hanging on in the hope that he falls for you, then I suspect you're in for a rude awakening. He'll hang on and use you for as long as it suits him until someone else catches his eye - then he'll be off.

poptarting · 07/11/2017 07:55

and he said it’s just one of those things, that I should have hope, love isn’t something that we can control, but that he cared

This would make me insecure enough without the messages too, it doesn’t sound like a good relationship op and he’s sounds disloyal. I wonder what he said to his ex gf that night to make her think it was ok for her to ring at 3am? Ugh he sound awful tbh.

BabsGangoush · 07/11/2017 08:18

we had a whirlwind romance

How long have you been together? How quickly did you fall pregnnt?How long after ExG did you get together?

Sorry this is harsh but just wondering if he found he was committed to you more quickly than he expected and still has feelings for ExG, that you were no more than just another Girlfriend after his divorce/that he didn't want more children. Or in fact did he promise you the world and he has renegade.

Witsender · 07/11/2017 08:25

Fuck that. You can do better than someone who thinks you should 'have hope' he will love you some day. He should have thought of that pre baby

ShatnersWig · 07/11/2017 08:31

How long have you been together?

Babs the OP told us that in the very first line of the thread!

Barring accidents, anyone who has a baby without loving the father/mother is a bit of a twat, quite honestly.

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