For not getting over DPs conversations about us with his Ex Wife?

[Vegetablegarden]

I have lived with my DP for 3 years, I thought I’d found the one! We’ve just had a baby.

However I’ve just found out that he is still having quite intimate conversations with his two Exes, his ex wife and GF before me, about us. I saw a couple of these conversation from social media and DP said that he wasn’t sure if he loved me, to both his Ex wife and his Ex GF.

I’m afraid I did look at his messages after I saw the phone bill recently which showed that he and his Ex wife text each other now and then as late as midnight/1am and got spooked. I asked him and he said it was just to leave messages about their kids (two with Ex wife).

Now I know his Ex wife and Ex GF both have new boyfriends, so I don’t think they are getting back together or having an affair, anything like that. I guess I’m just gutted that he’s telling them about our problems. I’m also gutted that he isn’t sure whether he is into me, especially as we have a new baby.

I really did and do think that we are so suited, we had a whirlwind romance and DP was very keen to commit. He’s responsible, kind and fun, and finally I met someone who seemed to get me. I took it as a good sign that he still got on with his Exes however not to this extent. AIBU?

Good decision to ask him to move out. He can either decide he is going to commit properly, or he can fuck off and do his share of the parenting from a different home. You will manage. Better than having someone feel they are doing you a massive favour by bestowing you with half-hearted attention. His messages were wrong, really disloyal and cynical.

Right, if it is his house, and as you are not married, you are in a vulnerable situation in practical terms.

You need to start planning for all scenarios, and you need to get your mind round the idea that you simply must not compromise your financial independence for someone who is at best flakey and at worst, about to force a break up.

So get practical - when can you return to work, what childcare will you need, where will you live? How much child maintenance can you expect (but until he has a track record of actual payments, don't make this a major plank of your budget)

Well done for being brave, however if it is actually his house you cannot make him leave.

To be honest it doesn't sound great.

But.. to explore the other side...

He was texting when you were 6 months pregnant until baby was a month old. Was the pregnancy planned I wonder? It's not unusual for Men to have a wobble when their wives / girlfriends are pregnant, and so it's not necessarily wrong to want to work through those feelings.

It would make me wary though.

Sorry, just seen your update OP - I missed out a chunk of thread there

Looking in on you OP and thinking of you.
I'm so sorry that this has happened. Things will be hard for a while but you will come through it into the sunshine with your lovely baby x

He sounds horrid. I’m sorry

Thanks all the supportive posts. He’s come round to staying away, although only agreed temporarily. It’ll give me some of my dignity back, I’ve felt reallly humiliated. He’s been giving them the impression that I’m in love with him but it just doesn’t work for him. I’m so mad!

We planned this baby together. I look after his other kids too when they are here. He was super keen on me moving in. It’s like he’s gone classicly cold as soon as he stopped chasing and I was completely invested. The time to have a wobble was 3 years ago! I would have left and found some other guy to commit too.

It sounds like he's trying to have an affair. I've heard that line about "not loving" a girlfriend before and it's usually from men who have serial affairs. I can't think of another reason to be saying it to multiple exes.

I'm really sorry you're in this position, especially with a new baby.

However, I'd suggest you don't take him back. He's told you he doesn't love you. NOTHING he says now matters. No backtracking, no promises that he realises what he's lost or any of that crap. IF you take him back now, you'll never be happy & you'll be back in this situation. Best to just deal with the separation now than live in limbo until it happens.

Don't think that being together is better for your child, it's really not. Build a life for you & your baby that doesn't rely on him in any way. Get straight onto sorting out your living arrangements and child support payments officially.

You can do it 💐

He cared about you ....which means he is attracted to you, likes you, isn't annoyed by you. Any small strain and he will leave. I'm so sorry but he doesn't respect or love you.

We planned this baby together. I look after his other kids too when they are here

Can you stop the childcare?

Google 'Limerence'....from memory, the person who falls in Limerence first, falls out of Limerence first....do you think this rings true of him?