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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not getting over DPs conversations about us with his Ex Wife?

63 replies

Vegetablegarden · 06/11/2017 23:21

I have lived with my DP for 3 years, I thought I’d found the one! We’ve just had a baby.

However I’ve just found out that he is still having quite intimate conversations with his two Exes, his ex wife and GF before me, about us. I saw a couple of these conversation from social media and DP said that he wasn’t sure if he loved me, to both his Ex wife and his Ex GF.

I’m afraid I did look at his messages after I saw the phone bill recently which showed that he and his Ex wife text each other now and then as late as midnight/1am and got spooked. I asked him and he said it was just to leave messages about their kids (two with Ex wife).

Now I know his Ex wife and Ex GF both have new boyfriends, so I don’t think they are getting back together or having an affair, anything like that. I guess I’m just gutted that he’s telling them about our problems. I’m also gutted that he isn’t sure whether he is into me, especially as we have a new baby.

I really did and do think that we are so suited, we had a whirlwind romance and DP was very keen to commit. He’s responsible, kind and fun, and finally I met someone who seemed to get me. I took it as a good sign that he still got on with his Exes however not to this extent. AIBU?

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 07/11/2017 08:34

You deserve so much better than a man who “cares”. You deserve a man who loves you, who treats you well and who doesn’t discuss your problems with all his ex’s!

Please reconsider your relationship. You would be a lot happier without this waste of space in your life.

YellowFlower201 · 07/11/2017 08:38

The ‘have hope’ comment is just cruel! Wtf!! Why would he tell his two ex partners about this? What a weird thing to do.
For you OP Flowers

diddl · 07/11/2017 09:13

Sounds like the kind of guff by ex husband came out with when he was having an affair.

reachforthestarseveryday · 07/11/2017 09:15

DP said that he wasn’t sure if he loved me, to both his Ex wife and his Ex GF.

and He said just one of those things, that I should have hope, love isn’t something that we can control, but that he cared.

Really? What a nasty bastard. You 'should have hope'?? That he finally decides he loves you? Sod that for a game of soldiers.

He should be discussing your relationship with YOU if he has issues, not his exes. And urgh - you're left in limbo now wondering if he loves you and what you can do to make him love you.

With a newborn. Poor you. Flowers

I know what I'd do.

hollowtree · 07/11/2017 09:16

You deserve way better

mygorgeousmilo · 07/11/2017 09:22

He sounds like a heartless, spineless pig! You deserve better than this shit.

PandorasXbox · 07/11/2017 09:23

Telling anyone that he’s unsure if he loves you is bad enough let alone an ex.

WhoWants2Know · 07/11/2017 09:25

Have hope? Fuck that. I’m an intolerant cow, so no way would I be playing house with someone who wasn’t sure he loved me. He can fuck of until he makes up his mind.

maxthemartian · 07/11/2017 09:26

I'm so sorry, how hurtful. His behaviour would be inappropriate anyway, but him telling them and basically confirming to you that he doesn't love you - that's not a viable relationship, is it?

2017RedBlue · 07/11/2017 09:29

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Wormulonian · 07/11/2017 09:30

Not good. I'm so sorry. As someone else said it sounds like he wants you working extra hard to try to "win" his love but he can use his statement as a get out clause when/if he decides to leave. He likes having power and keeping his options open - probably why he keeps all the exes on side and in the frame.

Look to yourself and your baby. This man will never make you happy.

glitterlips1 · 07/11/2017 09:32

I would be livid. I don't understand all this keeping in touch with an ex when it hurts present partner. He should be considering your feelings, talking to exes regarding you relationship is not on. I would be moving out if he didn't know whether he loved me, don't waste your life on someone like that!

Pavlova31 · 07/11/2017 09:43

You are worth so much more than this OP Flowers

Traffig · 07/11/2017 09:45
Flowers You sound lovely OP. You and baby deserve better than this. The problem lies with him.
SparklyMagpie · 07/11/2017 09:59

You deserve so much better than this shit he's sprouting

Original poster
Vegetablegarden · 07/11/2017 10:07

Thank you all - I was wondering whether I was making too much of this. Instinctively I’m not happy with my situation. My DP was the one who was most keen on commitment at first, now he’s acting like I practically dragged him into having a baby.

And the lack of love, wtf? For me it doesn’t just go, now when I need him most his attention is elsewhere.

OP posts:
Nothingrhymeswithfamily · 07/11/2017 10:10

I had an almost but not quite ex (as in we didn't quite get together but nearly did) we used to email and keep in touch after he moved away. All fine all above board. But he used to email moaning about his girlfriend, and id listen as any friend would. He said he was leaving her, next thing he's asked her to marry him. He's still moaning to me on emails, doesnt know if he loves her. Meanwhile over on Facebook its all hearts and flowers. Baby 1 comes along, still moaning on email, still leaving her, baby 2 comes along same thing.
he's still moaning on email
Eventually i stopped replying as I've thought, actually your a total cock. If she saw any of those she would be devastated that he was saying this. He still emails me now and i just delete. I can't be doing with someone like that, either he's lying in the hope he might get a sympathy shag one day. Or he's lying to her stringing her along with babies and weddings.
Either way he's a cock

OP theres no way you should be hanging about waiting for him to sort his shit out. Life is too short. Listen to what he's said and pack his bag. Don't waste it waiting for him to come round - what if he doesnt?. There will be someone out there who will adore you. Don't settle for his crumbs.

undertheradarplease · 07/11/2017 10:29

As a mother of a newborn, I could weep for you. It's such a testing time and your body has been through so much, which will no doubt make you feel insecure even if in a loving and stable relationship. You absolutely don't deserve this negativity at such a pivotal point in your life. You should be getting support and love from the man who helped you create this tiny person you have been given.

Please don't let him spoil this special time. Whatever you decide to do (I'm sure there will be lots of excellent advice on here) please put the health and wellbeing of you and your baby before that selfish attention seeker anything else.

Do you have a good support network? Any friends or family you can turn to? It can be lonely being a new mum, hope there's someone who can help you through this horrible time.

crimsonlake · 07/11/2017 11:04

How awful, I feel for you, but from your responses it seems to appear at the moment you are prepared to stay with him? There is nothing to stay for is there, he has said he does not love you? Get him to leave and make a great life for you and your little one.

Original poster
Vegetablegarden · 07/11/2017 15:56

Thanks I’ve asked him to move out for a while so that I could think. I’ve no family nearby however I’ll find a way to cope.

He seemed surprised. I don’t think he’s taken it in. He’s not happy about leaving ‘his house’.

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 07/11/2017 17:33

How on earth did you resist the temptation to tell him to "have hope"?

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 07/11/2017 18:32

He's not sure he loves you? I wouldn't be able to move past that.

Foxysoxy01 · 07/11/2017 18:58

I would be telling him to 'have hope' you may let him back into the house but your ex has said it's probably best you don't.

JustKeepDancing · 07/11/2017 19:14

I think time apart is a good idea. I'd think about what you want, and I'd also think about what you would like your relationship to look like in the future.
A couple of years ago I found out my fiancé was telling his best friend (female, which probably shouldn't have made a difference, but did to me) that he wasn't sure he loved me, that he wanted to leave me, that he'd changed his mind about getting married. I was in complete shock, heartbroken, and humiliated. It took me months to realise that I shouldn't have been - I should have been relieved that I found out when I did - because I deserve better than someone who is too much of a chicken to talk to me about our problems. You deserve better too, especially with a tiny baby Flowers

MinervaSaidThar · 07/11/2017 19:21

Is the house in your name, OP? I think you did the right thing. He seems to think you will just wait for him to see if he ever loves you.