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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be REALLY pissed with dd's teacher for this???

55 replies

RoseNarene · 05/11/2017 19:33

So I have a court order in place whereby ex has the kids from 3:30, so I always pick dd1 (in reception) up from school when it finishes at 3pm and I obvs bring dd2 with me (she is 1) and then take them both to his house.

The ex had a meeting with dd1's teacher on Friday (he refused to tell me what it was about when I asked) and has now informed me that the TEACHER has suggested that he be present at the school pick up to show that he has an active interest in her education!!

This puts me in a really tough position as we have a final hearing for the court order coming up and if I say no to this additional contact, it could look really bad on me since the suggestion came from her teacher.

Then again, he is an arrogant, controlling, manipulative, duplicitous SNAKE so this could easily be a lie!

Still, if it is true - AIBU to be pissed? It seems very inappropriate of her to be making suggestions like that! She knows the separation is full of conflict and she knows there's a court order... obviously I will talk to her about it but maaaannn!!

OP posts:
chickenowner · 05/11/2017 19:35

Please check if this is true. I'm a teacher and I would be extremely surprised if the teacher said anything of the sort. I would think that your ex is manipulating the situation.

If it is true then you have every right to be furious!

CauliflowerSqueeze · 05/11/2017 19:35

Since you know he is an arsehole and you know the teacher will be doing her best in a difficult situation YABU.

Talk to her first ffs.

Wolfiefan · 05/11/2017 19:35

So you only have his word the teacher suggested this? Chat to the teacher?

Quartz2208 · 05/11/2017 19:36

It sounds highly likely he has made it up

VimFuego101 · 05/11/2017 19:36

I would be highly surprised if the teacher suggested this.

chickenowner · 05/11/2017 19:37

In fact, thinking about it a bit more, I think that saying something like this would land the teacher in an awful lot of trouble.

I very much doubt it is true.

Percephone · 05/11/2017 19:38

Highly doubt a teacher would say this.

wowbutter · 05/11/2017 19:38

Is it likely he asked sleighing like
"Do you think dd would like it if I was there to do pick up? Would it make me seem more invested in her life, her education? What do school think? Are children with invested parents more successful?"
Teacher says yes, and bingo...

Original poster
RoseNarene · 05/11/2017 19:38

CauliflowerSqueeze I did say in the original post that I would talk to her first so there's really no need to go all "ffs" on me...

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/11/2017 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 05/11/2017 19:39

She may not know about the court order, and tbh, even if a court order is in place, he has a right to be active in his childs education.

Just remember being at the school is for his child not you, come rain or shine. personally id shun him in the grounds.

Fattymcfaterson · 05/11/2017 19:39

Can he not pick dd up from school? Why not?

DancingLedge · 05/11/2017 19:39

I also do not find this believable.
But, even it were true, what's wrong with saying" Hmm, thank you. At the moment I have no choice but to abide by the terms of the court order".

Pengggwn · 05/11/2017 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hotmilkandcrunchynuts · 05/11/2017 19:42

AIBU to be pissed? It seems very inappropriate of her to be making suggestions like that!

Pissed off.

And come on, as if she said that! Get mad at him, not her.

chickenowner · 05/11/2017 19:45

Pengggwyn

But that isn't what the OP has written!!

Original poster
RoseNarene · 05/11/2017 19:45

Fattymcfaterson I'm not an unreasonable person - he asked if he could pick her up at 3pm the other day because he had said meeting with teacher and I agreed. I agreed for an extra 45 minutes on dd's first day of school so that he could be there at the end of it to see her and ask her how it went.

What annoys me is how he is doing this not for dd but to manipulate the situation. He dresses it up like it's all "in their best interests" (he LOVES using that little buzz phrase) but that's never what it's about. It's always to maintain some sort of control over me. He lost the majority of it when I left him (because he cheated) and now he is trying to use official channels to manipulate the court order and how the magistrates might view me come the final hearing. Everything he does is to hurt and control me.

So yes, I did think initially this was a lie or a manipulation of the teacher, or a deliberate miscommunication of what she said... but just in case it isn't, I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable to be pissed about it IF it is true. Of course I will ask her first.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 05/11/2017 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
RoseNarene · 05/11/2017 19:48

hotmilkandcrunchynuts oh don't worry; I have plenty enough anger for him. He is a horrible, horrible person. People talk about women who use children as a weapon - he tries to be a master at it. I say try because he doesn't manage it very well most of the time.

OP posts:
LivingInMidnight · 05/11/2017 19:55

I'd guess that he wants a letter from school showing he's involved and the teacher won't do it if he's not actually there regularly.

user1482501331 · 05/11/2017 20:03

Sounds like LivingInMidnight hit the nail on the head. Just speak to the teacher -explain the situation. I highly doubt she would have suggested something like this - what teacher would want to even get involved in this?!

katycb · 05/11/2017 20:03

I've been teaching for 13 years and I geniuinely can not think of an occasion when I would have said this. I reckon like Wowbutter has said that he has guided the teacher in to saying this or has made it up. I can't think why she would have said it- Lots of parents rarely pick up- doesn't mean they are less invested in their child's education- and also it is a really odd turn of phrase too!

BewareOfDragons · 05/11/2017 20:07

We have mums, dads, grandparents, older siblings, childminers, after care programme workers ... all picking up various children from REception on different days. Not in a million years would we tell a parent what your ex is claiming was said. We understand parents work, have other children, lives, things going on, etc., and school pick ups and drop offs can be tricky

I don't believe him.

AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow · 05/11/2017 20:08

I agree that he'll have 'guided' her into agreeing with him that yes, given the right conditions, it possibly could be beneficial.

And then he's come back to you with that.

There's no way I'd get involved in an arrangement between estranged parents, especially not if I knew there was conflict and court orders in place/under review. Not a chance.

AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow · 05/11/2017 20:09

Should have added: or he has made it up.

There is not a chance that he and the teacher have been having cosy chats where she has suggested that he come to school to also do the pick ups at 3pm because it will reflect well on him.