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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be REALLY pissed with dd's teacher for this???

55 replies

RoseNarene · 05/11/2017 19:33

So I have a court order in place whereby ex has the kids from 3:30, so I always pick dd1 (in reception) up from school when it finishes at 3pm and I obvs bring dd2 with me (she is 1) and then take them both to his house.

The ex had a meeting with dd1's teacher on Friday (he refused to tell me what it was about when I asked) and has now informed me that the TEACHER has suggested that he be present at the school pick up to show that he has an active interest in her education!!

This puts me in a really tough position as we have a final hearing for the court order coming up and if I say no to this additional contact, it could look really bad on me since the suggestion came from her teacher.

Then again, he is an arrogant, controlling, manipulative, duplicitous SNAKE so this could easily be a lie!

Still, if it is true - AIBU to be pissed? It seems very inappropriate of her to be making suggestions like that! She knows the separation is full of conflict and she knows there's a court order... obviously I will talk to her about it but maaaannn!!

OP posts:

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 05/11/2017 20:10

Can you manipulate see a silver lining that you can do the Friday handover in a public place so he has to be civil and in time when dd1 is older he can pick them both up and you never need to see him. In fact I would even arrange nursery when it comes to it to be a Friday afternoon so if it is his weekend he does the running around. I know a few people who have it planned like this and drop off is school on Mon am so they never have to see the ex. He has clothes at his house and always returns them in (hopefully) washed uniform. I know it is hard now but it might help you if you have your secret plan so he doesn't get to you.

I would also talk to the teacher so she is aware that she is being manipulated.

RavenWings · 05/11/2017 20:12

As others have said I'd guess he's used very leading questions to get that response. Yanbu to go and talk to her, yabu to be angry.

MakeItRain · 05/11/2017 20:18

I can imagine how a conversation might have come about. He probably said to the teacher "do you think it would be a good idea if I were to pick up from school to show dd that I'm interested in where she goes to school and to become more familiar with the place?"
I think most teachers, unless there are safeguarding concerns, would agree that would/could be a good idea.
Tbh I think a court would see it as a good idea too. It might be an idea to think about the possibility. Unless you have very good reasons not to want him at school it probably is a good idea. Also you'll get under his skin more just by being emotionless and nonchalant about it and just say "ok".

Original poster

RoseNarene · 05/11/2017 20:20

shouldwestayorshouldwego I don't have the money to pay for nursery or pre-school atm (she's too young to qualify for free hours) but yes, I do plan on doing that when I go back to work so I don't have to see him at all. In fact, I was always going to go for an arrangement whereby he would pick them up from school on the days he has them. It's just this whole 'manipulating the teacher' thing that gets me. Ugh he is such a dick.

OP posts:

Minxmumma · 05/11/2017 20:20

Definately speak to the teacher and follow up with the Flo in writing if necessary.
You are entitled to know the truth and I would be asking for a letter from the school clarifying exactly what was advised (or not) to take with you to the court.
If he is being manipulative (quite likely) you can prove it. Be angry with him not the school until you have their side of the story.
For the sake of argument - my father picked me up from school a total of 6 times between the age of 5 and 17. Didn't make him any less invested in me or me a failure.

NovemberWitch · 05/11/2017 20:23

YABU, be pissed off at him instead.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2017 20:31

you're absolutely correct to be pissed off......

do your fact finding first Lady... and take it from there

spanieleyes · 05/11/2017 20:35

So, he is an arrogant, controlling, manipulative, duplicitous SNAKE and the teacher knows the separation is full of conflict and she knows there's a court order yet your first reaction is that she must have said what was reported! Perhaps your first reaction should have been to question your ex's words and not the teacher's!

hmmwhatatodo · 05/11/2017 20:47

Well whatever you do, don’t go in all guns blazing. No teacher would make a suggestion. How exactly does collecting your child from school show you are invested in their education anyway?

Blondephantom · 05/11/2017 20:50

I don’t believe him. I’m a teacher and it just wouldn’t occur to me to suggest. Making sure I offered both parents a slot for any parent-teacher meetings or send both parents a copy of letters and reports certainly. I’d usually offer to call the other parent if there was an issue in class if the parent who did pick ups preferred.

So many parents can’t do pick ups. Obviously I don’t pick my own daughter up from school. I don’t feel it makes someone a better or more involved parent because they do the school run. It is certainly one way to be involved but there are others.

GabsAlot · 05/11/2017 21:48

if she definitly know about the court order make sure its true first thn go from there

KeepItAsItIs · 05/11/2017 21:53

He's probably lying.

If the teacher said this, he could have said something different to her, like he wants to pick up but you won't let him or tell him anything about your DDs education so she thought saying this would help facilitate him having an interest. But I doubt it. It's likely it's just another manipulation of you.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 05/11/2017 22:38

Why not actually find out what happened and then decide?

Gemini69 · 07/11/2017 20:44

did you manage to resolve this OP ?

Original poster

RoseNarene · 08/11/2017 20:15

Yes I did resolve it. He pretty much made it up. I had a very open discussion with the teacher (don't worry; I didn't go in guns blazing haha) and even though she told me she didn't say it, when I texted him he still told me that she did say it.

Oh my life with this man in it is so utterly THRILLING

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 08/11/2017 20:26

good for you.. and well done for keeping your cool... he could have caused you to blow your top thanks to his lies... he manipulated the entire situation and you caught him out... Credit to you Lady

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 08/11/2017 20:28

OP what an absolute shit he is. Is the teacher willing to write a letter of sorts to confirm her side?

SD1978 · 08/11/2017 20:52

I’d find it highly unlikely that the teacher had instigated this- he’s done it purely to annoy you- but for the sake of half an hour with an an already proven arsehole, I’d talk to the teacher, and then allow it- you could drop the younger one at school so you still get to see the older one.

Original poster

RoseNarene · 09/11/2017 21:21

I've now received a letter from his solicitor ORDERING me to allow him to pick dd1 up from school because "clearly the judge meant to say 3pm" as the court order states handovers to take place at his address OR the school.

Mate I don't give a shit how YOU interpret the court order. The court order says 3:30 and if you think that was a mistake, take it back to the court and give me the answer in writing.

Until then, and until we go to our final hearing, it's 3:30. Like it or lump it.

OP posts:

missiondecision · 09/11/2017 21:29

You are clearly annoyed and want a rant . Sort the facts out first otherwise where’s your AIBU??
No one can really speculate on made up clap trap by a person you know as a liar.

Whiskeyqueen · 09/11/2017 21:41

Ugh do we have the same ex? Definitely sounds like something he would do.
Balls to the 'misinterpretation'. Definitely stick with whatever your order says otherwise he could try to use that against you. Even if you're trying to be nice and give him extra time he can still try and say you're not sticking to what is agreed. I'm only talking from past experience.
Good luck to you and your children at the final hearing

OliviaBenson · 09/11/2017 22:09

But, wouldn't it be easier for him to pick them up from school?

He sounds like a prize nob but I'm failing to see what the issue is here? It's half an hour.

Pick your battles.

MsJaneAusten · 09/11/2017 22:14

Wouldn’t it be easier for you if he did some pick ups?

Sandsunsea · 09/11/2017 22:17

I think he's lying to you

Booboobooboo84 · 09/11/2017 22:19

Wouldn’t it be easier for your child if they were picked up by dad rather than being trotted around for half an hour

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