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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu? Stepped into a couple's row.

69 replies

TitsNnails · 29/10/2017 01:26

Hi, longtime lurker, 1st time poster.

On the way back from a wedding tonight, bride and groom laid on a bus for guests.

Across the aisle from me was a couple and the man was, in my opinion, being emotionally abusive to his partner. She sat head down trying to explain and apologize and it wasn't good enough.

I think it was after he said to her he should be her number one priority, over the 2 babies she has had and is breast feeding, while working full-time that I snapped, told her she was being emotionally abused, and I called him a nasty cunt.
Apparently she had ruined his evening, as she had had the "wrong" kind of fun according to him.

There's more that was said, but basically, was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
yorkshireyummymummy · 29/10/2017 01:33

Hard one to call. You have only given half a tale so it's difficult to pass judgement on what we don't know!

But from what you said you may have been a bit rude.
It might have been more appropriate to ask the lady if she was ok and if she wanted to move seats than to jump in and call him a cunt.
Who knows, he may be horrified and you may have helped him to realise how awful he is.
Or, you may have made things worse for her as - trust me- you getting involved will be thrown in her face as being her fault too. Because with emotional abusers everything is the other persons fault.
How did you leave it?
What state was she in?
Did he stop abusing her?
Did he apologise to her?
Or did he rip into you too?
In order to get a comprehensive answer you do need to furnish people with the full tale. Is this what is called a drip feed?

TheStoic · 29/10/2017 01:35

I would’ve done the same thing.

Can’t tolerate bullying right in front of me.

OldWitch00 · 29/10/2017 01:45

Well done, now that she’s heard it from someone else I hope it opens her eyes.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 29/10/2017 01:47

Any man who thinks he should be the number one priority in any family is a cunt. From everything else you've said, you were right to call him what he is. Poor woman. Hope it was the wake up call she needed.

Original poster
TitsNnails · 29/10/2017 01:48

Sorry, not a drip feed, didn't want to make my first post too long.
He initially said to me that he wasn't emotionally abusive, and that I was just saying he was a cunt, to which I replied he was a rude cunt! She had said to him over and over that she had had fun, she had danced, had a drink and played on the roulette wheel. According to him it was the wrong kind of fun. His wife shouldn't put the kids needs above his and she should be ready to listen to his criticism and alter her behaviour whenever he brings it up. (I honestly kid you not).

Another lady stepped in and told him to shut up too and he sat there moaning further about his partners short comings

When we got off the bus she thanked me for defending her, we had a chat and she said she is rethinking the relationship. He ignored me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TitsNnails · 29/10/2017 01:51

Should also add, I've got long nails on and typing is a challenge!

OP posts:
Elllicam · 29/10/2017 01:54

I think it sounds like it was the right thing to do, hopefully it helps that woman out of her abusive relationship.

LilQueenie · 29/10/2017 01:54

I would say good for you for standing up for her. He is abusive and so arrogant he does it in public thinking his needs are more important of a babies. Hope it gives her the courage to leave the nasty prick.

Insomnibrat · 29/10/2017 01:56

If she was grateful then you did the right thing.

springydaffs · 29/10/2017 01:05

High five!

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2017 01:13

The irony is that if she does leave he will blame you and the other woman for "turning her head" and not himself for being a selfish abusive prick.

You did the right thing. Often it can be the fact that you are not sure if you are being abused that can keep one in an abusive relationship. The fact that two complete strangers defended her will mean a lot.

Placebogirl · 29/10/2017 01:15

I wish someone had pointed it out to me when I needed to be told my ex partner was being a cunt. Thank god I never had kids with him. You did the right thing.

gluteustothemaximus · 29/10/2017 01:37

I think if more people called out the cunts in this world, they wouldn’t get away with being cunts so much.

Very brave of you OP. Hope it’s helped the woman, I really do.

Italiangreyhound · 29/10/2017 01:47

You did the right thing.

How interesting Another lady stepped in, what were all the men on the bus doing? Picking their noses and pretending not to hear?

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2017 01:50

what were all the men on the bus doing? Picking their noses and pretending not to hear?

Probably. Hmm

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/10/2017 02:08

YANBU. I have no problem whatsoever with standing up to bullying cunts. I will not stand for vulnerable people being victimised. This wasn't an a row. He's an emotionally abusive and selfish cunt.
Nothing or noone comes before your babies
God help that poor women and her children. If he's that abusive in public. It doesnt bare thinking about what hes like in private.
I'm delighted she's rethink this relationship.
YY about other men conveniently not hearing.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/10/2017 02:19

Sometimes it is impossible to keep your mouth shut. Once in a restaurant, I listened to a man at the table next to me berate his partner as though she was a dog he couldn't kick enough. When he got up to go to the bathroom, I turned to her and said she couldn't possibly run fast or far enough from that asshole. I hope she listened.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2017 02:23

You know, it's almost to the point where we all need to start carrying business cards for the local DV hotline to hand out when this shit happens. You just hear it more and more, women (and men) being emotionally abused right out in public. Like there's no shame anymore for the abuser in doing it.

And yes, I think it's much more likely that a female would intervene in these situations than a man would. After all, Bros before 'Hos, you know. Arseholes.

antimatter · 29/10/2017 02:24

I would have done the same!

Wishfulmakeupping · 29/10/2017 02:29

You did the right thing op

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 29/10/2017 02:31

Well done. I wish someone had defended me! X

Graphista · 29/10/2017 02:45

I'm going to go against the grain and say I wouldn't have done the same in that situation.

I'd have tried to discreetly slip the no of local or national domestics abuse support organisations to her but I wouldn't have called him out like that.

For the simple reason emotionally abusive in public which he was clearly confortable doing, could well mean worse behind closed doors.

My dad would be emotionally/verbally abusive to my mother in public but if anyone called him out, tried to help her in front of him, mum got battered once home. Because she was blamed for him 'looking bad'.

So I would advise mners to be careful in this circumstance.

I'm actually thinking as I type that a half size business card to slip to women we are being abused would be an excellent idea.

FastWindow · 29/10/2017 03:02

graphista I followed the comments down in cynicism until I read yours.

This stuff never happens. It never happened to me- and by God it should have, enough people witnessed it - but direct intervention at the time would have led to a far worse consequence behind closed doors.

Massively complicated issue for many women, especially with dc.

solarisWasAClassic · 29/10/2017 03:23

Yes you were.

You had a snapshot of what was going on and although calling people cunts is somehow lauded on MN, it isn't accepted in general.

The drip deed adds to the feeling that you need to feel like you were in the right, if you were or not.

"I've got long nails on" - unsurprisingly

ShouldHaveListenedInBiology · 29/10/2017 03:40

"I've got long nails on" - unsurprisingly

What does that mean? Hmm

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