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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu? Stepped into a couple's row.

69 replies

TitsNnails · 29/10/2017 01:26

Hi, longtime lurker, 1st time poster.

On the way back from a wedding tonight, bride and groom laid on a bus for guests.

Across the aisle from me was a couple and the man was, in my opinion, being emotionally abusive to his partner. She sat head down trying to explain and apologize and it wasn't good enough.

I think it was after he said to her he should be her number one priority, over the 2 babies she has had and is breast feeding, while working full-time that I snapped, told her she was being emotionally abused, and I called him a nasty cunt.
Apparently she had ruined his evening, as she had had the "wrong" kind of fun according to him.

There's more that was said, but basically, was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

Ski4130 · 29/10/2017 08:51

I'd have asked if she was ok, I wouldn't have used the C word. That makes you look like a dick to be honest. I don't care how cool it is to swear at other people according to MN, it isn't in the real world (and I'm a swearer, I just don't casually drop it into conversations with people I don't know!)

Skarossinkplunger · 29/10/2017 08:54

I think you did the right thing op. I did something similar and it worked out in the end. We should just sit by and allow these things to happen. I would have called him a cunt too!

Skarossinkplunger · 29/10/2017 08:54

*shouldn’t just sit by.

lovecheeseandbiscuits · 29/10/2017 09:23

I think you did the right thing! Too many people sit by and watch others being bullied and abused.

Original poster

TitsNnails · 29/10/2017 10:20

I'm sorry wearing nail extensions makes me a certain type of person,not sure what type, I had them on as a favour for a student who needed a model.

I don't usually use the c word, he used it first and I was more agreeing with him.

The nearest male to us was so drunk he was vomiting info a black sack so was unaware of the conversation.

Hope that helps clarify things.

I wasn't looking for a pat on the back, it was a case after the adrenaline wore off of bloody hell should I have done that.

OP posts:

Mittens1969 · 29/10/2017 10:25

I don’t like swearing but I do think you did the right thing to speak out, OP. A lot of women don’t realise that what they’re experiencing isn’t normal in a relationship. My DSis’s first DH was abusive, when they first broke up she wouldn’t hear a word against him as she thought she deserved his abuse. She knows different now that she’s in a very happy marriage.

Bluntness100 · 29/10/2017 10:26

Bluntness so it's not okay to call someone a cunt but it's okay to tell someone to go fuck themselves

Valid, but in my opinion it’s slightly more acceptable, but you’re right it’s still wrong so I apologise.

As for the op, she did the right thing stepping it, it’s calling him a cunt that was wrong. However her update seems to suggest he called her it first. Drip drip.

Cunt is a horrible word, it is a word that means women’s genitalia in an offensive manner. To be called it is a huge insult. We all know that. At the very least as women we should be stamping out it’s use, not flinging it around like it’s cool.

Anyways, like the “decent” blokes in a pp post, you can step in and make a difference without calling the bloke a nasty cunt. I wonder if the “decent” blokes had done that what the result would have been.

AtSea1979 · 29/10/2017 10:32

I would have probably done the same but then I'd be terrified I'd made matters much worse for her.

PandorasXbox · 29/10/2017 10:32

In your shoes I would have asked her if she was ok. I wouldn’t have potentially exacerbated the situation by calling him a cunt. I hope he didn’t take that out on her when he got home.

Original poster

TitsNnails · 29/10/2017 10:42

Bluntness. In post 2 I explained the use of the c word. Sorry you missed it. Definitely not drip drip.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 29/10/2017 10:46

i think you were brave and did the right thing. I really hope that woman gets out

Idrinkandiknowstuff · 29/10/2017 10:51

Many years ago I was in a pub and my twat of an ex was listing my many shortcomings and generally being a cunt. Someone came over and told him he was a bully and to leave me alone. He stormed out, I thanked the person politely, assured them I was going to leave him, then reluctantly went home where I had the living shit kicked out of me for “showing him up” as I knew I would as soon as the man that tackled him opened his mouth.

Zeelove · 29/10/2017 11:28

You were unreasonable .... you shouldn't have got involved. Unless maybe asking her if she's ok. Defo should not have called him a cunt.

Ps I also always have gel long nails. Not I'm sure what that comment means x

TitaniasCloset · 29/10/2017 18:01

You did the right thing in my opinion. Yes in my situation he would have then beat the shit out of me at home, but that was my situation and it still would have meant a lot to me that someone was brave enough to stand up to him. I don't think the guy in this situation was necessarily physically violent, you would have gotten a vibe from him I think.

Btw, I'm planning on getting nail extensions tomorrow, if that makes me chavvy or a bimbo in some peoples eye, I really don't give a shit. I shall feel pretty in my shiny shiny new nails.

Katedotness1963 · 29/10/2017 18:09

I walked round a corner one day to see a man with a woman backed up to a wall, and he had her hand round her throat. I started yelling at him and he turned on me. She ran away and i told him exactly what I thought of him. It never crossed my mind to walk by.

Brazenhussy0 · 29/10/2017 18:21

I have nail extensions. I would have called him a cunt as well, OP.
Guess I'm just that kind of person too

Realistically though, it's probably not the best way to handle it. Asking if the woman was ok and ignoring him entirely might have been a safer way of ensuring he didn't escalate it when they got home.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 29/10/2017 19:18

I wouldn't have used the C word, OP, I hate it and I think it probably would have been a much stronger intervention without it.

BUT you were 100% right to intervene. Spot on. To all those saying that you shouldn't because it might have made things worse. Seriously?! So we should all ignore bullying, emotional abuse and threats when we see them? That's how people get away with it.

I'll never forget a documentary I saw about this. There was a woman on there who said a group of girls got on a bus and started verbally abusing her daughter, who was 15. Nobody said anything. Then the ringleader started hitting the girl. Still, nobody said or did anything. Then all the girls threw her on the floor and started kicking and stamping on her. Still nobody did anything. So a bus full of adults just sat by and watched a 15 year old get beaten to unconciousness. The girl had a fractured face, memory problems and massive psychological damage. When you see sh*t that is completely unacceptable, you call people out on it.

Also, I massively disagree that where there are children involved it gets complicated. No it doesn't. It gets crystal clear. I used to be in an abusive relationship - thankfully no kids. BUT if my OH ever threatened me or hit me, I would be out of there quicker than you could say "I wonder if my daughter saw/heard that".

Graphista · 30/10/2017 09:52

Yes I was not advocating no intervention but a safe intervention.

My dad certainly has a big issue with how he's perceived by others.

To the outside world he and my mother (he thinks) have a long and happy marriage.

In reality it's obvious my mother is miserable but after almost 50 years of it she won't leave (BELIEVE me myself and siblings and her siblings and health professionals and friends have ALL tried to persuade/empower her to leave)

bettycooper · 30/10/2017 10:00

As someone who suffered abuse in a previous relationship, you did exactly the right thing.

I would have loved one person just one to say something to my ex. Every single person I knew was aware of how he treated me, and they all thought it was ok. Even when I called the police on him several times for hitting me he ended up laughing and joking with the coppers, and I was basically told I needed to get on with it.

Knowing someone else could see what was happening would have made me feel I wasn't crazy. And taken my Ex down a peg or two because NOT ONE PERSON EVER said the way he treated me was wrong.

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