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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wibu? Stepped into a couple's row.

69 replies

TitsNnails · 29/10/2017 01:26

Hi, longtime lurker, 1st time poster.

On the way back from a wedding tonight, bride and groom laid on a bus for guests.

Across the aisle from me was a couple and the man was, in my opinion, being emotionally abusive to his partner. She sat head down trying to explain and apologize and it wasn't good enough.

I think it was after he said to her he should be her number one priority, over the 2 babies she has had and is breast feeding, while working full-time that I snapped, told her she was being emotionally abused, and I called him a nasty cunt.
Apparently she had ruined his evening, as she had had the "wrong" kind of fun according to him.

There's more that was said, but basically, was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
solarisWasAClassic · 29/10/2017 04:11

I mean, when I think of someone calling another bus passenger a cunt, it invokes a certain image.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2017 04:26

Op is just telling us she’s wearing false nails and typing is hard. But doesn’t want to drip feed.

You did the right thing. I hope you will have made a positive difference. Perhaps this will get back to other guests and the b&g and she will get some family/friends assistance. Will you ask after her?

[fastwindow]. I think more people are aware of how wrong dv is including the police. Therefore more people will intervene these days.

Oswin · 29/10/2017 04:26

So you don't this this abusive prick is a cunt then solaris?

flyingpigsinclover · 29/10/2017 04:34

Solaris Biscuit

Peachyking000 · 29/10/2017 05:48

YANBU. I was in an EA relationship for a few years, and I remember being in a coffee shop when my Ex tried to chat up another woman in front of me. She tore strips off him verbally, and stuck up for me. I felt so grateful to her at the time.

Iris65 · 29/10/2017 06:14

You definitely did the right thing. I can't stand bullying and do challenge it - depending on the circumstances. If it's not safe to challenge then I stay around so that if it escalates I can call the police.

greendale17 · 29/10/2017 06:21

YWNBU

I would have done the same

Bambamrubblesmum · 29/10/2017 06:23

You did the right thing. Sometimes entire relationship can be summed up in a snap shot that enables you to see the whole picture very clearly.

For a moment she saw her relationship through the eyes of a third person and didn't like what she saw. She may leave or she may not. That's up to her. But you've possibly saved her years of emotional abuse with a wake up call.

The arguement put forward by Solaris is actually questionable. If he is prepared to bully her in public imagine what he does behind closed doors.

Calling him a cunt actually may have jarred enough to strike home and make the point. Life isn't all doylies and etiquette. Get real.

Bodear · 29/10/2017 06:23

I know this isn’t the point of the thread but it makes me quite sad that the word we use to describe the nastiest people we come across is “cunt”. I like mine and think they’re amazing things. I don’t understand why that word is chosen to describe people such as the one in the op. Maybe it’s time we reclaimed the word cunt and found something more fitting to describe an abuser?

Jerseysilkvelour · 29/10/2017 06:27

I'd say well done you for saying something. people like that don't just affect their partners, think of the kids who could be growing up experiencing it and watching their mother being treated like that.

Psychological abuse is just as damaging as physical - and I doubt anyone would have sat there all prim and proper ignoring it if he had belted her round the face would they now.

MissTeri · 29/10/2017 06:37

I agree with those who wouldn't have said something because my dad too would have beat my mum once they got home if someone intervened. It's not the way I would have approached it at all, you provoked an already volatile situation and are lucky it didn't escalate further.

NotAgainYoda · 29/10/2017 06:39
Biscuit
Bambamrubblesmum · 29/10/2017 06:44

If he is physically violent then he's going to be abusive regardless. True someone stepping in may have resulted in consequences but equally it may result in change.

Putting your head in the sand whilst someone is being bullied right in front of you is being complicit and normalising the abusers behaviour. It reinforces his twisted thinking of 'look everyone agrees with me because nobody said anything'.

Speaking out is dangerous but so is staying quiet.

Bluntness100 · 29/10/2017 06:59

To be fair I’d probably have said something , either to distract him, as in”sounds like the right kinda fun to me” or to her “ are you ok” or even “give it a rest mate” to him.

I wouldn’t have called him a cunt. As a previous poster said, it’s not an acceptable word in the real world to most people, and will probably have simply escalated his anger and she’s the one who will pay the price when they are alone.

There are ways to handle a sitatuon, and as much as mine may be wrong, escalating the anger of an abusive man and then leaving them to it will never ever be right,

I hope she’s ok and he hasn’t beaten the crap out of her because being publicly called a cunt has infuriated him so much.

To those saying well he may have beaten her anyways, go fuck uourselves, then when you’ve finished go do it again, there are levels of anger and provoking an abuser then leaving them to it can result in much worse repercussions than she may otherwise have faced.

So no op, I won’t be high fiving you. Because a woman may have had a much more terrible night than she would have had otherwise.

Shadow666 · 29/10/2017 07:11

It just all sounds so unlikely. I know you were paraphrasing in your OP but I’m just surprised he didn’t tell you to fuck off and I’m surprised she thanked you.

A friend of mine tried to help a woman who was being physically abused and it all got twisted round that the friend was the bad guy and she stayed with her husband.

NotAgainYoda · 29/10/2017 07:14

shadow

Indeed

Bluntness100 · 29/10/2017 07:23

Speaking out is dangerous but so is staying quiet

There is a mid ground. You can speak out without deliberately escalating the situation. In what planet is publicly callling an abusive man a cunt, then leaving them to it acceptable. Dangerous, yeah it’s dangerous, but not to the op on a bus full of people. The only person put in even more danger was the woman on rhe recieiving end of his Abuse.

I’m also surprised all that apparently happened is he stayed quiet and she said thanks. I don’t know any person who would accept being publicly called a cunt without comment or an abused woman who would say thanks after someone made an abusive partner even angrier.

Bambamrubblesmum · 29/10/2017 07:27

Bluntness so it's not okay to call someone a cunt but it's okay to tell someone to go fuck themselves Confused right....

My relative had the ever loving shit kicked out of her on a regular basis by her husband. Broke ribs, black eye. All covered up and kept behind closed doors. It wasn't until someone called her prick of a husband out on it in public that she snapped and got out.

Everyone has different experiences. That's what this place is about.

Bambamrubblesmum · 29/10/2017 07:35

I'm out. This is an emotive subject for me and I don't want to derail this thread.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/10/2017 08:01

"Calling people cunts is somehow lauded on MN, it isn't accepted in real life.

We people shouldn't behave like cunts then, should they.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/10/2017 08:02

Well not we

AnnaleeP · 29/10/2017 08:14

You said something, which is the important thing and so did the other lady.

Much better to say something and maybe get it a bit wrong than pretend you didn't hear.

I once intervened in a similar situation on a night out. I didn't call the guy a cunt although I was thinking it, a lot.

I was with a bunch of people at the time, none of the men noticed what was happening, to the casual observer it may have looked like he was trying to comfort her but you could see his iron grip on her arm and his tone of voice wasn't right.

Anyway, I got him to leave and got her back to her friends, I hope she dumped him. I hope the woman in your situation gets rid too.

ImListening · 29/10/2017 08:21

Well done you for stepping in. Men like that need to be called on it every time. I threw out a flatmates bf for hitting her. Unfortunately she’s still with him. All you can do is point it out every time you see it.

bobbinogs · 29/10/2017 08:31

I was once stood in the street being emotionally abused and threatened by a boyfriend, late in the evening and 2 blokes came over and looked me in the eye and said are you ok, do you need help. I said no I'm ok, I was scared of things escalating and ashamed, I went home with bastard boyfriend and had a predictably shit evening.

But that event made me leave him eventually a few months later, because I saw the relationship though some decent blokes eyes and realised that despite being told constantly by boyfriend that it was my fault and I deserved it and our relationship was normal, it wasn't and I didn't.

They saved me from a lot of harm, I often think about it. Speaking out can make a difference, even if it's not immediately obvious.

whoareyoukidding · 29/10/2017 08:43

I have witnessed a man bullying a woman publicly, not as bad as OP but I didn't dare speak out. I wish I had spoken out.