How often should you have sex?

[jules234]

I apologise in advance about the detail. I need help.
I don't know what is 'normal'

Been married almost 2 years, no kids. We are both in our twenties. We both work.

We do it about twice a week. Sometimes three times if I'm lucky. I understand he works severely long hours and is tired most evenings, but he hates doing it in the morning, weekdays or weekends. He doesn't go down on me, and never really does anything spontaneous sexually. I can tell he doesn't enjoy fingering me either, as he wipes his fingers like they're dirty when he's done.
Sometimes if I dress sexy and put on makeup he will say 'I'm tired, I feel under pressure to have sex now'..

he is a little overweight but I don't care about that, I try to make him feel like the sexiest man alive and have no reservations sexually.
When we do it though, I do enjoy it, but it feels like it's to fill a need rather than a chemistry. And frankly, I need it more often than this. AIBU to want to do it more often?! Or is this normal?

Leave.

Two to three times a week sounds normal and reasonable to me. But if you’re not happy with that, then leave. It’s only going to get worse if you have kids!

He is a good guy but I am constantly horny and feel unsatisfied. It's the most frustrating thing. I haven't felt this way in previous relationships. I'm not particularly bad looking or bad in bed so I doubt it's my fault

There's no such thing as 'normal when it comes to regularity of sex, just what works for each couple. This clearly isn't working for you so I'd leave it tbh. You can't put pressure on to get it more often so don't see another option?

You should have sex as often as both parties involved want to. There’s no should” about frequency

I can tell he doesn't enjoy fingering me either, as he wipes his fingers like they're dirty when he's done.

Id be more worried if he didn't.

So let me get this straight if he got his semen on your hands or body after a hand job you wouldn't wipe it off straight away.

Gross.

2-3 times a week seems fine if you're tired and work. But it sounds like you're mismatched.

So what was it like before you got married?

There's no right or wrong, but this clearly isn't working for either of you. You need to try find a compromise before throwing in the towel, or you'll always wonder if you could have tried harder to sort it.

Have you sat down and talked about what you both like, want and how much? Would be happy masturbating? How can you help him feel less pressured and you more satisfied? Is he making an equal effort to try and resolve things or leaving it to you?

To answer your question: As often as you want to. For some people that will be every day, for others it will be once a week / once a month / twice a year or never.

There is no "should".

The question you actually have is about the disparity between yours and your DH's sex drives. The answer to that is that you need to talk to him about it - have an open and honest conversation and try and reach an agreement.

To be honest it sounds like a quality rather than quantity issue to me.

You need a proper discussion (it doesn't sound like he'll be particularly responsive to you taking the initiative during sex) or make a serious decision to cut your losses or make your peace with this being your sex life for the duration.

You're not being unreasonable to want it more, but no one is obligated to have sex with their partner. Likewise, marriage doesn't obligate you to stay with him for the rest of your life.

It doesn't sound great to be honest. Has it always been like this, or has his sexual desire dropped?

It doesn't matter if it's normal or not- there is wide range of normal. It's if you are compatible and it doesn't sound like you are. Most couples have some degree of discrepancy in desire at stages of the relationship but this early on if you are really unhappy with your sec life then it might be worth moving on

Has it always been like this? Or is this a recent thing?
You don't have to stay where you aren't happy. You can leave.

Me and DH have been together 7 years and for the first 4 were averaging 4-5 times a week. Then we hit a slump with new jobs, new house and family stress and went to 3-4 times a month, then got pregnant and had DD and that meant about 3 times in a year due to extreme nausea and fatigue. DD is now 2 and we are back to approx 3 times a week.

What I am saying is that it is normal for sex drives to change throughout your relationship based on what else is going on in your lives, and sometimes only for one partner, meaning the other is left wanting. However if this has been the case all along this isn't likely to change now.

You need to talk about it with him.

I accept that ultimately your marriage may not last but, for heaven's sake - the 'leave him' comments really grate on me.

You have been married for ONLY 2 years! Given that marriage vows mean 'for life' (and okay, it doesn't always work out ) you need to put some effort in to trying to make it better rather than walking away at the first hurdle.

The first step is a conversation with him, second step may be some counselling with Relate or a sexual counsellor.

If it's mismatched libido then yes, there may be more solution. Question is- no hint of this before you married? Did the lack of oral sex and the squeamishness over fingering not arise then? Or did you hope it would improve when you got married?

more solution= no solution.

As often as you want to. And no more.

How is everything else? Is it always you that initiates?
If it was me and my DH was initiating or at least really up for it 2 or 3 times a week and everything else was great I'd have a while of just sorting myself out on the other days. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

A few times I've seen on here that it's the suggested thing if a man is getting fairly regular sex (and less than 3 times a week!) that he should just sort himself out on the other days. Don't see why it's any different for a woman.

If that still isn't enough for you then, yeah, only solution is to find someone who's a better match for your sex drive.

Talk to him.

I dont think twice a week is that bad, but id be wanting it more than that after 2 years and at your age. I also would be putoff by him being grossed out by fingering etc. I dont think youre wrong to be bothered by this. It sounds like within a few years you might not be having sex at all

Agree with PPs that normal varies and that the issue here is that you are so different. As others have asked - has it always been like this? If so, unlikely to change. Different pressures can change your sex drive. I know that if I am feeling fat or unattractive, no matter what my DH says I would need a darkened room. Perhaps this is part of it; how is he professionally? If work is causing stress then sex is going to be lower down on the list. Whatever people say it is really difficult issue to talk about because it is so hard to put into words how you are feeling without making him feel that you are blaming him - any way it can be brought up if you initiate and ask him what he likes? I too would be rather upset if I felt that someone felt dirty after touching me but then some people do and others don't. I am obviously in the slummy mummy camp here!

Sounds like the problem is not just the frequency, but the fact that he appears to not like sex much - or not like sex with you very much.

As PP have said - is this a recent change or has he always been like this?

(Oh and brace yourself for an avalanche of posters going on and on about how you are a sex pest and should be ashamed of yourself and if you were a man, waa waa waa.)

It is difficult to be the partner with the low libido: it can make you feel guilty, anxious and resentful. But there are also people who do refuse sex or do it reluctantly as a way of controlling/abusing a partner. Sometimes it's because that person was brought up with a lot of unnecessarily negative ideas about sex. Sometimes, if it's a man who refuses sex, it's based on him having the idea that women who like sex are dirty sluts and should be trained to wait for their lord and master to decide when sex will take place.

What's the rest of the relationship like? Is he generally kind to you, does he do his share of the chores, does he appear to like and admire you, or is he constantly critical of what you do?

Sounds like he's going through the motions - has he always been like this?

To people who advise the OP to talk to her husband:
What would it change? Would 'talking about it' make him less tired and apathetic? Would it make him more amorous, interested and passionate? No. He would start faking it for a while then slowly sink back to his previous ways.

So why wouldn't she leave? They are clearly a mismatched couple. They have only been married for two years and she is already frustrated in a major way, so it can only get worse from now on. You can't base a happy, satisfying, fulfilled relationship on one party suffering and swallowing their frustration most of the time. It is unreasonable to expect someone to stay in a clearly frustrating situation all their life just because you - an onlooker - thinks that if a marriage is okay -ish otherwise, why break it up?

The reason the OP might decide to talk rather than just leave is to understand or try to where this is coming from. Is it a medical problem, could he be depressed but hiding it? Is he bisexual and just realised it? Or just stressed from work? There are infinite amount of reasons and it's possible in time to turn things round dependant on the reason of course.

Our sex was always like this even before marriage. But I fell in love with him and thought that it was something I can live with. But honestly it's not.

I have tried to talk to him a little bit. He gets a little sensitive and yes as someone stated, he faked it for a bit and it went back to normal.

With regards to his work, he does very well. He is rising very quickly in his company and makes very good money. He enjoys it a lot so I don't see that as an issue.

@ReanimatedSGB I find what you say very interesting. Although I dont understand the link between the two, yes he is controlling. He does believe he is in charge, and sometimes makes me feel like he deserves respect as a man- not equal to women. Very interesting.