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AIBU?

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Original poster

How often should you have sex?

51 replies

jules234 · 28/10/2017 10:22

I apologise in advance about the detail. I need help.
I don't know what is 'normal'

Been married almost 2 years, no kids. We are both in our twenties. We both work.

We do it about twice a week. Sometimes three times if I'm lucky. I understand he works severely long hours and is tired most evenings, but he hates doing it in the morning, weekdays or weekends. He doesn't go down on me, and never really does anything spontaneous sexually. I can tell he doesn't enjoy fingering me either, as he wipes his fingers like they're dirty when he's done.
Sometimes if I dress sexy and put on makeup he will say 'I'm tired, I feel under pressure to have sex now'..

he is a little overweight but I don't care about that, I try to make him feel like the sexiest man alive and have no reservations sexually.
When we do it though, I do enjoy it, but it feels like it's to fill a need rather than a chemistry. And frankly, I need it more often than this. AIBU to want to do it more often?! Or is this normal?

OP posts:
Joey7t8 · 28/10/2017 12:28

If it has always been like that, then it's unlikely to change, I'm afraid.

VerticalBlinds · 28/10/2017 12:30

Can't let the comment about vaginal secretions being "gross" past and of course a man wants to wipe his hands off immediately after touching.

Vaginal secretions, unlike semen, don't get everywhere and they don't dry mega sticky, which is the reason it's wiped quickly.

Loads of people are happy to lick their fingers when they've been inside a woman, many find it a turn on. Also >> this is going to be a shocker >> some men are even happy to put their mouths there and lick!!!! Gross right? You sound like a 10 year old. Or a troll Smile coming onto a website predominantly for women and telling them that their vaginas are revolting.

VerticalBlinds · 28/10/2017 12:31

OP I've been with a man where we had a mismatched sex drive and we called it a day. In the end it was like we were friends more than anything else. The idea of having sex when he's "going through the motions" sounds not great.

You've no kids - I think you need to think about whether you can deal with this for the next 40 years or whatever because things won't change.

Humpsfor20yards · 28/10/2017 12:32

This sounds like a grim existence for a young woman.

I'd leave (but then I wouldn't have married anyone who was so negative about my fanny in the first place)

Bloomed · 28/10/2017 12:34

Exactly vertical. And I'd agree with others that this has little to do with frequency. He doesn't sound like he's into you.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/10/2017 12:37

Our sex was always like this even before marriage. But I fell in love with him and thought that it was something I can live with. But honestly it's not.

That’s all there is to this. It’s harsh for him because it’s not like he’s stopped having sex with you as much as he did before; but it’s one of those things. Neither of you are happy as things are. He feels under pressure and stressed; you feel neglected and frustrated. It won’t work.

For what it’s worth, it wouldn’t work for me either.

Tissunnyupnorth · 28/10/2017 12:39

To be fair, it sounds like it isn’t him who has changed, but your acceptance or rather you thinking that you could accept the situation, which has changed.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 28/10/2017 12:50

To people who advise the OP to talk to her husband:
What would it change? Would 'talking about it' make him less tired and apathetic? Would it make him more amorous, interested and passionate? No. He would start faking it for a while then slowly sink back to his previous ways.

But surely the whole point of being in a relationship with each other is that you talk? If you're happy to do something as intimate as have sex with someone, then it stands to reason that you should be able to talk about having sex - or lack thereof?!

People are all different - and relationships are based on compromise. But OP is not going to be in a position to make an informed decision about whether she's willing to compromise about her sex life unless she's tried to have a frank discussion with her DH about underlying causes (if any). For all she knows there is a physical reason (ED worries, body confidence, low testosterone etc.). Or there may be none of that and it could be that her DH simply isn't as bothered about sex as she is. But it seems a bit cavalier to just suggest that she leaves without even trying to have a conversation about it first.

I also can't help thinking that if the sexes were reversed in this situation and OP was male, that shed be getting very different responses.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/10/2017 12:54

yes he is controlling. He does believe he is in charge, and sometimes makes me feel like he deserves respect as a man- not equal to women.

Bloody hell - forget the crap sex. Leave him for this. Leave him right now.

You are in your twenties and have no children, no ties.

You've married a dud. Controlling, believes he's in charge of you? Err no. Run right now before you have children and are even more miserable.

You've got the rest of your life ahead of you. Get out now so that you can find a fun, kind, generous-hearted man who sees you as an equal both in bed and out of it, to share your life with.

Humpsfor20yards · 28/10/2017 13:00

I'm confident that if a young man posted the same thing -our sex life has always been crap - I would give the same advice.

Op, he won't make you happy.

missbattenburg · 28/10/2017 13:01

"I'm not particularly bad looking or bad in bed so I doubt it's my fault"

I don't know if you do but can I suggest that taking the belief that this is someone's fault into the discussions about it will do nothing but harm your chances of reaching a solution you can both live with.

There is nothing broken or wrong with your husband (based in the detail you gave). He just likes sex less than you. He has difference preferences and - to be fair to him - he never seems to have mislead you or pretending he was someone he wasn't. You will both either find a compromise you can both live with. Or you won't. What will not happen (I would bet) is that you will not be able to magically change him into this uber sexual being that shags you sideways every day for the rest of your lives.

Chickoletta · 28/10/2017 13:01

Agree with others that the frequency of sex is the least of your worries here. DH and I sometimes go a couple of weeks without sex (2 DCs, busy jobs and lives) but when we do it's uninhibited and amazing for us both. Frequency and quality are two very different issues, for us at least.

The controlling stuff is very worrying. I would never tell anyone to lightly back away from their marriage vows but I think you've got some serious talking and thinking to do here.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2017 13:02

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with such an unsatisfying sexual relationship with someone you are incompatible with intimately? That's depressing as all hell. You thought you could live with it, you now know you can't.

'I also can't help thinking that if the sexes were reversed in this situation and OP was male, that shed be getting very different responses.'

Not from me. I never advise staying in a relationship with someone you're sexually incompatible with.

'Although I dont understand the link between the two, yes he is controlling. He does believe he is in charge, and sometimes makes me feel like he deserves respect as a man- not equal to women. Very interesting.'

Get out now!

VerticalBlinds · 28/10/2017 13:04

Agree with Fizzy I couldn't be with someone who I knew / felt that I deserved less respect because I'm female.

That + the sex which he doesn't really want to be doing with you is just an end of the road thing.

Obviously this is a big deal so have a think, and think some more, maybe talk to him, maybe talk to some real life friends. But eventually, for me, I'd say that this sounds like it's on the road to being over. I'm sorry.

WhiskyChick · 28/10/2017 13:08

OP have been in a similar situation except it got worse and worse. He wouldn’t let me go down on him, he didn’t to me. There was no foreplay or any experimentation which I craved and I talked and talked and talked. He “didn’t see the point of lingerie” etc. He listened but ultimately after a year and a half or no sex, or any intimacy I had to call it quits and walk away.

I don’t believe there’s a ‘right’ amount but there needs to be a balance of wants.

Raver84 · 28/10/2017 13:18

Feel sorry for your husband. You led him to believe what you had was enough then married him and now want something more. Fine. But dont blame him. You accepted the situation when reality is you probably should not have married to begin with.

Humpsfor20yards · 28/10/2017 13:35

I don't feel sorry for your husband, OP.

He'll get over it.

Original poster
jules234 · 28/10/2017 13:46

Yeah a lot of thinking to do Sad
It's quite difficult to think about.
Counselling seems like step 1

OP posts:
Cockmagic · 28/10/2017 13:48

I thought you were gonna say about once a year op!

That seems fine to me, although I'm happy once a fortnight!

I think it depends on the emphasis you put on it.

I'm much more of a cuddle type of girl, do you have other from a of intimacy?

Original poster
jules234 · 28/10/2017 13:58

It's difficult for me to think that way because I do love him.
But i have been thinking this way for a while and pushing the thought away, then it dawned on me after I saw an episode of 'my wife and kids' LOL yes I know. I know they are showing an unrealistic marriage. But I thought at least the way he wanted her is something I wanna have.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 28/10/2017 14:10

I don't think you'll ever be happy with him OP. By all means talk to him, but it is soul destroying to live with someone who doesn't really desire you as you do them, or is satisfied with mediocre. It doesn't build closeness or intimacy and it inhibits those things in other areas of your life is there is a huge issue between you.

Original poster
jules234 · 28/10/2017 14:44

Yeah I believe so xx

OP posts:
TammyswansonTwo · 28/10/2017 14:50

Could be every night for a few weeks. Then could be once or twice a month. At times it's been none for over a year or more due to other factors. There is no "normal" amount in our relationship, or across the board - the amount you should have is the amount that both want. Two perhaps three times a week is higher than average I'd say.

Has he ever had his hormone levels tested? Low libido is frequently a result of hormone or thyroid issues, rarely ever diagnosed in men unless they go looking for answers or start having fertility investigations.

Sex is important in a relationship. It's not the only thing and an otherwise good relationship can withstand periods of lack of sex where there's an underlying cause. Fundamental incompatibility is much harder to overcome - by its very nature the person with the lowest sex drive should always be the one who should be followed here and that leads to issues. It doesn't sound salvageable to me.

LemonysSnicket · 28/10/2017 14:59

2-3 times is way more than DP and I have and we’re only 22 . Sounds like you have drastically different sex drives and you’re pushing and pushing and he feels pressured. If it was the other way around people would say you were being V unreasonable

Belleoftheball8 · 28/10/2017 14:59

It sounds like your relationship lacks passion which to me is a deal beaker

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