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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To check his phone and let him know about it?

66 replies

GeriT · 25/10/2017 13:36

My scumbag of a "DP" has had an emotional affair (this has been going on for months and still continues). Around 10 days ago I checked his phone and let him know about it.

He will not end it with me, says we aren't together but we aren't over.

I feel he is using this as an excuse to ease his conscience while he entertains OW - he has shown no regret/remorse.

I have no clue how he feels about her?

He always seems to spin the situation so that it is fault. Takes responsibility for absolutely nothing.

Is it me?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 25/10/2017 13:37

He won't end it with you? Suggest you start making the decision to dump him then.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 25/10/2017 13:38

Can you ask him to leave ? While explaining that you are indeed over.

You don't need to let him make the decisions.

Good luck I'm sorry for the shift time you're having

HouseworkIsAPain · 25/10/2017 13:39

Why are you letting him define whether you are in a relationship? You don’t want to be on a relationship with him so end it.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 25/10/2017 13:40

I don’t understand. He refuses to end it with you? Why don’t you make the decision and end it with him? He has no reason to end either relationship as he isn’t being given an ultimatum

MorningCuppa · 25/10/2017 13:41

Why are you waiting for him to end it with you? Pick up your self respect and end it with him.

Santawontbelong · 25/10/2017 13:41

Why is he in charge of your relationship?

Original poster
GeriT · 25/10/2017 13:53

I think I still love him.

I think there are some extenuating circumstances that make me sympathetic towards him as they have existed for the past 10 years in our relationship. He hasn't faced up to them.

I feel like if he addresses them we might stand a chance. I know there is a small chance of this as I have assumed he is completely head over heels with this girl he has never met. Life is easy via mobile phone :(

My friends tell me I am being manipulated. I'm just so lost!

OP posts:
goose1964 · 25/10/2017 13:54

If you aren't together you are over whatever you think. You need to realise this and get on with your life. As my late mother used to say never give up your life for a man

Notreallyarsed · 25/10/2017 13:59

I think I still love him

I’m sure you do, and his behaviour has been appalling. At the risk of sounding blunt, does he love you? He’s not acting like it, and he certainly doesn’t respect you.

You are worth more than hanging on for someone who will grind your confidence down, make you do the “pick me” dance, and generally treat you like shit while you hang around to see if he wants you or not.

OP, you need to woman up and tell him to fuck off. Then go through the grieving process and move on. He’s a cunt.

user1471449805 · 25/10/2017 13:59

It doesn't matter what he feels about the OW, he clearly doesn't give a shit about you.

HateHomework · 25/10/2017 14:00

So what feels right for you... it's your life and you re in control. If you stay with him no matter what he did, would you be happy?

abatcalledjohn · 25/10/2017 14:00

Your friends are right. Listen to them.

You're not together but not over? He clearly thinks he owns you and that you should be grateful to have his cheating bastarding arse.

I suggest you find your self esteem, dump him and urge you to go for an STI check because I don't believe for a second when he says he isn't shagging her.

Whatever his issues that require addressing. He won't.

You love the person you want him to be. He isn't that. It will be hard, but your friends will have your back. Eventually you'll look back and wonder why you even had to think about whether or not to dump him.

HateHomework · 25/10/2017 14:01

Is there any kind of dependency? Do you have kids?

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 25/10/2017 14:01

Why are you making this guy a priority when you are simply an option for him?
If he loves you then he will fight for you. You need to start looking after yourself emotionally and stop looking after him

Flimp · 25/10/2017 14:04

This is so odd: 'He will not end it with me, says we aren't together but we aren't over.'

EH??? Confused

Why does he have to end it with you? Why the fuck are you not kicking the shitbag into touch?!

So, you just wait there, 'not together' til he decides to move on? Have some self-respect!

fuck him off.

toriatoriatoria · 25/10/2017 14:07

You need to make a decision about what is best for you. He can't have it both ways, you can't not be together but not be over either.

Booagain · 25/10/2017 14:12

Sorry you’re having a bad time but you have the power to end it. 10 years is a long investment but you’ll have many more years in you feeling happier in the long run if you make the decision for yourself - whatever that might be.

Original poster
GeriT · 25/10/2017 14:20

He has stopped saying he loves me. Guess it's because he loves her.

We have one DD so I can never get rid permanently.

The only decision I can make is to end it as he is so caught up with her...I really don't want to.
He is asking me for space but not giving me any.

Should I make some space or am I delaying the inevitable?

OP posts:
musicform · 25/10/2017 14:21

You need to be firm with yourself. Be blunt with him - he needs to end the relationship with her, you need to leave or you need to accept that he is cheating on you and you will live with it.

musicform · 25/10/2017 14:23

Last time I was asked for space when there was a difficult decision to be made, I left and met my now DP

Booagain · 25/10/2017 14:28

If he does it once and you don’t make a stand, he might do it again and you’ll be even more unhappy.
Even if you stay together, throw him out for a bit, lay ground rules, get him to respect you.

Original poster
GeriT · 25/10/2017 14:31

He moved out - nothing has changed.

I make a stand and the response is we aren't together. It's like he is totally infatuated and can't see what is going on in the real world.

However, you are then aware of subsequent behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeriT · 25/10/2017 14:32

I guess the more I type the more pointless this feels.

OP posts:
ThatsWotSheSaid · 25/10/2017 14:34

You need to listen to your friends.

Wellyboots86 · 25/10/2017 14:42

From personal experience I’m afraid he cares more for her than he’s letting on. My stbxw was having an emotional affair (that developed into sleeping together and filming it). In her own words she wanted to have her cake and eat it.

She wanted the thrill of the new man but the security of a husband and father to her kids.

End it now and save yourself the pain later, don’t become his consolation prize

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