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Original poster

To check his phone and let him know about it?

66 replies

GeriT · 25/10/2017 13:36

My scumbag of a "DP" has had an emotional affair (this has been going on for months and still continues). Around 10 days ago I checked his phone and let him know about it.

He will not end it with me, says we aren't together but we aren't over.

I feel he is using this as an excuse to ease his conscience while he entertains OW - he has shown no regret/remorse.

I have no clue how he feels about her?

He always seems to spin the situation so that it is fault. Takes responsibility for absolutely nothing.

Is it me?

OP posts:
OverinaFlash · 25/10/2017 14:45

You are worth so much more than this. If this man truly loves you and wants to be a part of his family with you and your child, he will show you that, and you can then choose whether to forgive him and try to move on or not. His actions currently do not support that, so you owe it to yourself, and to your child to show her that being treated like this by someone who you love is never right and shouldn't be tolerated. Flowers

Original poster
GeriT · 25/10/2017 14:46

@Wellyboots86

Why don't they tell us? Because they know we will walk.

Is she still with him now?

OP posts:
Hollowgrams · 25/10/2017 14:46

Has he moved out? Because if he has and you are not together then he seems to just want to keep you on hold (as a plan B in case this over woman doesn't work out?)

I'm sorry but it sounds as if your friends are right.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2017 14:49

I’m not even sure what you’re doing here. He has moved out. He says you are not together, he has another partner. What do you mean he won’t end it, he already has.

Original poster
GeriT · 25/10/2017 14:49

He has. He decided we needed space.

Am I being too sympathetic to his MH issues?

OP posts:
Original poster
GeriT · 25/10/2017 14:51

@Bluntness100 are his words distracting me from his actions?

OP posts:
Wellyboots86 · 25/10/2017 14:52

GeriT yes she’s still with him. He has no interest in the kids apparently and don’t think he’s even meet them! She has also had two pregnancy scares with him since April!

It’s amazing how off the rails someone can go when this kind of stuff happens. I have the kids 6 days a week and hardest part for me is still seeing her as a result of having kids together.

ilovesooty · 25/10/2017 14:53

How do we know? You haven't said what his MH issues are.

You haven't made a stand really. You're still hanging on to the hope that he'll come back.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/10/2017 14:54

Start dating. Online dating is easy enough. You do not have to have sex with anyone, or more than just a quick coffee with anyone if you don't want to, but it's a good way to demonstrate to this prick that he can't have everything his own way.
Don't make a huge deal out of it to XP, but don't hide it, either. Your relationship is over and he has no right of veto over what you do.
(How old is DD, by the way? If you think you will have difficulty getting him to look after her while you go out and your mum/sister/friends are not available to babysit, you can always meet potential dates at lunchtime while she is in school/nursery).

StefMay · 25/10/2017 14:56

As Bluntness says - you are plan B in case this OW does not work out.

As the old chap says in, "The Holiday" - "You should be the leading lady in your own life".

If he does not put you and his DD at the top of his priorities list then you need to. He'll come running when you make the clean break and do this but don't get sucked back in to it.

You say he has been like this for 10 yrs - you cannot fix him. Only he can fix himself so unless he gets therapy you need to show your DD what a normal relationship looks like.

Otherwise, your child will repeat your life and be miserable like you - is that what you want for her?

My Ex was like this for 4 yrs. I made excuses for cheating/violence and thought I could help him change. They have to want to change. I cut all ties. He came running but I met someone who knew how to treat me from day 1.

P.s. The day anyone checks their DP's phone is the day to call it quits. No trust, no relationship.

Mxyzptlk · 25/10/2017 15:01

thought I could help him change. They have to want to change

^ This

FlowerPot1234 · 25/10/2017 15:02

He will not end it with me, says we aren't together but we aren't over.

And he's moved out? You are not in a relationship I am afraid. When he says aren't together but aren't over, he means practically, he wants the door left open for him if his actual relationship fails.

I don't understand what you're waiting for, and what you want to find out? He doesn't love you, he's having whatever kind of affair, he has told you he does not consider you are together, you are hence not together and you are not in a relationship with him. So...?

TheViceOfReason · 25/10/2017 15:05

Would you want your child to be treated the way you are?

No? Then you must set an example. This man is taking you for a mug. He's got his other woman - whether he loves her or not - and you are keeping the door open for him if it doesn't work out.

If he does come back, it'll only be until the next "better" person comes along. He's making it quite clear he does not respect or love you, so take control and tell him to fuck off.

JackieMac77 · 25/10/2017 15:12

Ahhh...he has mental health issues. That makes it all OK then - cut him some slack, give him all the time he needs and just be there for him if he decides the grass isn't greener on the other side to give it another go with you. Poor thing - he's not responsible for dickhead behaviour as there's mental ill-health involved Hmm

Original poster
GeriT · 25/10/2017 15:33

It's such a mess!

I don't know what is wrong with me. I have never been this pathetic before.

OP posts:
Holymoley99 · 25/10/2017 15:51

Do you know who the ow is?
Does she have children herself?

Spangles1963 · 25/10/2017 19:02

He will not end it with me,says we aren't together but we aren't over. OP,this is what's known as keeping your options open. He won't end it with you because he wants you on stand-by in case it doesn't work out with the new woman. I experienced something similar to this with an exP. Sorry you're going through this ,but you need to issue him an ultimatum. Her or you. If he won't decide,you need to end it.

WhatwouldAryado · 25/10/2017 19:05

It doesn't really matter what he feels for the ow. He's being a shit to you. And that is not on.

Mamabear4180 · 25/10/2017 19:11

What's wrong with you is that your self respect is lying on the floor while your ex and his bit of stuff are dancing all over it Sad

He doesn't love you, not even in your wildest dreams. He doesn't respect you, care for you or treat you with any care whatsoever. He thinks you will wait for him forever while he does what he likes. If he ever comes back he still won't love you and things would always go wrong.

You can spend years wasting your emotions on this tosser or you can start working on yourself and have a shot at happiness one day. Do the right thing op.

AnyFucker · 25/10/2017 19:13

You are still sleeping with him then ?

FlowerPot1234 · 25/10/2017 20:08

OP - what is it that you think we are all missing about this man?

ReanimatedSGB · 26/10/2017 00:00

Have a think about how you got to be in this position. Is this man particularly good looking, or a minor celebrity or something? What's so special about him when 'dick is abundant and of low value'?
Were you taught, or told, at some point in your life, that it's a woman's job to Hang On To Her Man?
Were previous partners abusive to you in other ways, so that a man who doesn't actually hit you, steal from you or constantly criticize you seem like the perfect catch?
This man is not your partner and not worth wasting any more time or effort over. Yes, you may have to keep in contact with him because of DD (but it's quite likely he will just fade away - do make sure he pays maintenance, whatever he might be doing with his dick).

Original poster
GeriT · 26/10/2017 09:29

Sorry for the lack of response was really upset.

He does control me/us and has no regard for my feelings.

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 26/10/2017 09:36

Do you have any family that live near. Or does he?
What if you said to him that it is over and you’d like him to move out in the next 7 days.

Mxyzptlk · 26/10/2017 09:44

Reading all of your posts, GeriT, it's clear this guy is stringing you along. It's his messing with your mind that's made you feel "pathetic".

Face up to it, if he won't be a reliable partner to you and father to your DD then it's over.

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