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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grrrr family chat!!

71 replies

Bluebellsagain · 23/10/2017 16:21

Straw poll- How much contact do you have with your dp’s family and what would you think of daily updates on activities including photos?
Trying to work out if aibu as I am a little bit tired of pretty much any meal/activity with dp being documented by him and commented on in a constant family group chat. But no idea if this is the norm. My own family, aside from my mum I don’t speak to them more than a couple of times a month. One sibling lives abroad and I prob speak to him the least! But dp’s parents also live abroad. All the family members are late twenties or older.
Aibu? Is there any nice way to ask dp to stop documenting our every move? I don’t know if I should be flattered, I just wish some stuff could be between just us as our relationship is like a fish bowl with everyone looking in! He will be what’s apping during romantic meals, holidays, time with dc. He is a bit of a Phone junkie tbh (though otherwise amazing)
I know I could just leave the chat but it looks rude and it won’t stop him anyway!

OP posts:
shushpenfold · 23/10/2017 16:24

Eek. Not the norm, seriously! I would tell him that he can post once weekly and all photos have to be agreed with you first.

Frankly he’s lucky that he hasn’t had to have the phone retrieved by a proctologist by now!

MyOtherNameIsAFordFiesta · 23/10/2017 16:25

I'm in the same boat. Everything gets documented in shared iPhoto albums; all appointments are on a shared family calendar, and there's a constant group chat going.

Particularly annoying is when 2 family members are trying to organise something, but have the entire conversation on the family group chat, instead of a private one.

The whole thing cracks me up, and I find it a bit weird and inappropriate.

KimmySchmidt1 · 23/10/2017 16:25

thats definitely excessive and would wind me up.

Me and DH are on a group chat with my mum and sister, it goes through phases depending on whats going on, but probably once day - but its partly because my dad died last year and both of us kids live far from my mum. He sends messages as much as me.

The point is he would definitely say if he thought i was being intrusive of our privacy and then i would not send relevant thing.

does you DP send a lot more than everyone else on the chat?

Laiste · 23/10/2017 16:25

How long has it been going on? The whole of the time you've know him? Tbh i couldn't be with someone who does this.

NightOfTheDeadXmasFairy · 23/10/2017 16:25

Oh lord! How bizarre. Maybe try him on weekly updates/summary on a Sunday night.

BenLui · 23/10/2017 16:27

That would drive me up the wall. I’d feel it was an invasion of my privacy.

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 23/10/2017 16:28

Ok so I don’t think it’s the family thing at fault, you can’t really limit what they talk about just because you aren’t close with yours. However, there’s no way he should be on his phone constantly during time with you. That is unreasonable.

MrsD28 · 23/10/2017 16:29

My DH and I are also part of (his) family's what's app group, but though there is chat on it pretty much every day he is definitely not documenting our entire life on it - just sends the occasional pic of DS. So you are definitely NBU.

It seems as if the family what's app group is a symptom of the real problem (his phone-junkie-ness) rather than the problem itself. Maybe might be worth setting rules about phone use during family time rather than what's app-ing - if he can't do it immediately, he might not do it at all?

MrsEight · 23/10/2017 16:30

We don’t have a group family chat Confused

Nikephorus · 23/10/2017 16:31

Insist on updating with intimate pictures of him (but not you) when you're having sex. Say that you want to share everything with people. Even if it doesn't stop him it'll stop anyone else from taking an interest in his posts Grin

Smartiepants79 · 23/10/2017 16:32

Is it not just a nice way of sharing his life with his family who are a long way away?
I wouldn't compare his behaviour towards his family with how I behave with mine. It's your choice not have much contact with your family. It's his choice to have lots of contact with his.
You need a compromise. Pick the things that you wish to be kept private - romantic meals etc. and ask that he respects your choice to not share that.
I don't think it's up to you so tell him he can't share news of HIS holidays and HIS children with his parents.
And get off the group so you're not constantly aware of it.

gruffaloshmuffalo · 23/10/2017 16:33

We have a family WhatsApp group and we're all messaging each other a lot on it. There's all the children and their wives and everyone is as involved as everyone else. It's great for us. My folks live aboard, as do three siblings and their spouses, so it's great to stay in touch

Original poster
Bluebellsagain · 23/10/2017 16:33

Thanks. Yes it just can be frustrating them checking in to each other every day with their plans. It’s like why do you all care— I know I shouldn’t compare but I have no idea and couldn’t give a toss what my dsister and her husband and kids get up to week to week and she lives round the corner!! When we make a nice meal or something I wish it didn’t have to be shown off in a photo. It makes me feel like dp kind of needs approval and is not really present. He def posts on it more than some. Feel like a bit of a cow because I have no rational way to explain this to him. Ftr I really like his family!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebellsagain · 23/10/2017 16:35

Smartiepants dc aren’t his

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 23/10/2017 16:36

I rather like DH’s family WhatsApp group, but even though we do near-daily updates it’s all pics of DC, comments about how cute they are etc, and in incomprehensible but educational (to me) Russian. Your DH needs to step back a bit IMO.

Smartiepants79 · 23/10/2017 16:48

They care because they love each other??? And this is how they express it??
Again, it doesn't matter whether you - 'couldn’t give a toss what my dsister and her husband and kids get up to week to week'. That's you.
He cares and so do his family.
Make a very firm request that he stops sharing the things that bother you the most and then step away.

Mrsdraper1 · 23/10/2017 16:51

Just turn off the notifications and never comment or post.

Hillarious · 23/10/2017 16:53

I would tell him that he can post once weekly and all photos have to be agreed with you first.

Really?

NerrSnerr · 23/10/2017 16:54

I know all families are different but it would drive me bonkers. I know my opinions are skewed though because I rarely speak to my family.

Santawontbelong · 23/10/2017 16:54

Start mentioning all dc toilet habits and see the constant questions tail off. .
Include a few poo pics. .

SuzukiLi · 23/10/2017 16:55

I have a family one and a friend one. Speak on them every day, it's pretty normal in my circle.

NotAgainYoda · 23/10/2017 17:00

I don't even have a smartphone so you can probably guess what I think. Deeply, deeply weird and a little sad.

Jux · 23/10/2017 17:09

Can you just tell him that you feel it's intrusive sometimes? I don't really understand why you can't just have a chat about it.

diddl · 23/10/2017 17:11

"He will be what’s apping during romantic meals, holidays, time with dc."

I think that that's just rude and needy tbh.

If he wants to let family know & catch up on what they're doing, fine.

But I would have thought half an hr when the kids are in bed/at the end of the evening would be enough if it must be every day.

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/10/2017 17:13

MIL is like this; lovely but wants to know what we've eaten, where we've been, who we've seen. I just opt out now and ignore stuff. I know DH still does the blow-by-blow thing when he speaks to her but that's his problem, not mine.

I think the thing is with families like this is that when you've grown up like it, that's your 'normal'. DH thinks my relationship with my Mum and Dad is odd because we speak often but don't know the ins and outs of one another's lives. I think he's odd needing to give MIL every detail of his life. It matters so much to MIL, though, that she thinks nothing of walking in and looking at the calendar to check what's coming up, or reading cards on the fireplace. Madness.