Grrrr family chat!!

[Bluebellsagain]

Straw poll- How much contact do you have with your dp’s family and what would you think of daily updates on activities including photos?
Trying to work out if aibu as I am a little bit tired of pretty much any meal/activity with dp being documented by him and commented on in a constant family group chat. But no idea if this is the norm. My own family, aside from my mum I don’t speak to them more than a couple of times a month. One sibling lives abroad and I prob speak to him the least! But dp’s parents also live abroad. All the family members are late twenties or older.
Aibu? Is there any nice way to ask dp to stop documenting our every move? I don’t know if I should be flattered, I just wish some stuff could be between just us as our relationship is like a fish bowl with everyone looking in! He will be what’s apping during romantic meals, holidays, time with dc. He is a bit of a Phone junkie tbh (though otherwise amazing)
I know I could just leave the chat but it looks rude and it won’t stop him anyway!

I often send my Mum and Dad photos of what the dc are up to/days out the odd photo of a meal of we’re out for a meal.If my dp tried to ‘limit’ my conversations with my family to once per week I’d tell him to fuck right off.

I actually can’t work out what your issue is that he wants a relationship with his family. AssUming he’s not telling them when you’ve just had sex then you are being YABVVVU.

I think it’s pretty normal actually! Sorry OP and I’m going against the grain, but I think you are the one with the problem. DH and I both have separate family WhatsApp groups with our own families and we share loads on it! His everyday, not usually picture of meals but when someone makes something special that gets shared as do photos of holidays inc DH’s brother’s honeymoon. No is forcing anyone to post but it’s a brilliant way to keep in touch with multiple family members at once.

We do daily Skype with my ILs and share photos on Facebook as and when. My brother's girlfriend didn't like photos of her son on Facebook to start with so my brother shared them through a Dropbox.

I think so long as it didn't become too much of an expectation/hassle then I personally would like that sort of way to stay in touch with family as we're all quite spread out.

I would be really offended if my DH was documenting everything during a romantic meal out via snapchat as OP is complaining about - I am surprised how many think that complaining about his family being involved on their dates is "controlling"

If he is doing all the chat and updates, leave him to it. Some families have this dynamic.

There is a difference between 'documenting everything during a romantic meal out via snapchat' - not exactly what the OP said - and sending 1 message saying 'look where we are'.
I'm going to repeat myself here but you cannot judge other peoples communication with their families by the way you communicate with yours. You can't say well I don't do that so neither should you.
HIS family HIS choice.

I think he'll need weaning off it, rather than going cold turkey! Its for this precise reason that I don't have whatsapp! My DC love chatting to GP's and SIL via whatsapp, however they are really keen for me to get into the family chat. I've said no, so many times!

Why wouldn't you want someone who is close and respectful and cares for their parents?

There's a line between being close, respectful and caring on the one hand, and on the other hand spending large chunks of your day reporting on completely banal stuff like what you're eating and where you're shopping, instead of playing with your children or concentrating on your romantic meal with your partner.

To be fair those who have escalated this to say that i was being controlling or that he should tell me to “fuck off” etc— I don’t see why having photos of me or my dc sent if I don’t want a photo taken, or if it is a moment that I would rather we could just be in together, is ok just because that’s what he wants to do. That’s what I’m saying. If the shoe was on the other foot, it would be annoying if I was constantly whipping my phone out. Like he was playing with my dc and insisted I get my phone out to take a video and still keeps reminding me about sending it to his family (I have just not sent it). I repeat my dc are not his btw. I just on principle don’t see why that needed to be shared unless he felt like the moment wasn’t real unless it was validated by others. Sorry if that’s controlling. I also just think texting on dates I have put time, money and effort into is rude. But he is a Phone addict which others have pointed out is a lot of the issue.

We see them about once a year, never speak on the phone and never exchange any information on social media.

We actually like each other and get along very well, we all just lead very separate lives, very far apart and we're not madly into FB and so on.

The complete opposite to you OP, and yes, it would drive me batshit.

Ha.

My in laws live five minutes away.

I speak to MIL maybe once a month. FIL once a quarter.

They hate me though

I think it's a sign of insecurity and attention seeking.
This kind of behaviour just screams 'look at me/give me praise'

He can do exactly as he pleases - until it involves you and your kids.
You need to make this boundary very clear to him.
Nobody needs to know the daily ins and outs of your life, relationship and kids.
It's so intrusive!

You need to agree on some rules - no pics of your dc to be taken/uploaded without your consent.
Manners - no mobiles during mealtimes. He can take a pic of his own dinner before he sits down at the table to eat.
Days out etc.....he needs to respect your privacy and personal space. I'm sure he can manage to post pics or chat to his family WITHOUT giving them a blow by blow account?

So whilst you can't tell him how often he talks to his family, you can set boundaries so that it doesn't interfere in your time 'together'.
You can tell him to limit his posts that concern your family/home/kids because it's an invasion of your privacy.
You can ask him to not to divulge everything that goes on in your life on a daily basis.

What do you think his reaction would be if you did?
I bet he doesn't tell the world and its mother when he's about to have sex?
He does understand boundaries, just doesn't have much respect for anyone else's unfortunately.

They're HIS children too if he's taking on a father role and he's entitled to send his family pictures of them with THEIR consent surely? You can stipulate about yourself, ie. no pictures of YOU without your consent and in turn you should apply the same strictures to yourself too - no pictures of him to be sent anywhere without his consent.

I don't have anything to do with family group whatsapp but as long as people in the group aren't trying to involve me I have no issue with what they do.

Does everyone have a family whatsapp group except me? Or are mine just not telling me about it?

IJustGot I don't think my family have one either, or if they have I'm not aware of

My Dhs family whatsapps drive me potty. I refuse to join them. One SIL likes to post 20 million pics of her eldest eating a banana (strangely none of her youngest, eldest is the golden grandchild my DD is well out of it thankfully). All I can hear in bed at night is the whatsapp going ping ping ping as they all gush over the latest banana. PILs have to approve everything from egg cup purchases to advising on fencing in the garden.

And wtf is it with all the pissing facetime conversations?!?

Rant over.

I speak to my mum and dad once or twice a week at the very least. We skype every 2 weeks so they can see DD, we tyend to see them every 6 weeks anyhow. DBro and DSis communicate via text and facebook. No one gets annoyed if I dont 'like' or gush over the latest banana pic and that is the way it should be. I make my own decisions.

MY MIL, DSILs and DH all have anxiety. I wonder if all this unnecessary communication acerbates it tbh as they can't seem to function as adults without it.

They're HIS children too if he's taking on a father role and he's entitled to send his family pictures of them with THEIR consent surely?

They are NOT his kids biologically or legally!
Just because he's shacked up with their mum doesn't give him parental rights like this over the dc

Does everyone have a family whatsapp group except me? Or are mine just not telling me about it

No, not just you, ijustgothitbyadeer. I can’t think of anything I’d hate less than to be bombarded with constant and daily updates about the minutiae of someone else’s life - family or not.

I’m amazed how anyone finds the time or inclination to keep it up.

Anything I’d hate more

I was beginning to feel like I was missing out on a lovely close-knit family chat group, but DH has just answered his phone to PIL while we were undressing to dtd, so maybe being in contact all the time isn’t so great

Goodness Heebie, does the OP know that the man she refers to as 'DP' is just 'shacking up' with her. You'd better tell her so that she can send him on his way and he can find somebody else to 'adopt' as family.