Grrrr family chat!!

[Bluebellsagain]

Straw poll- How much contact do you have with your dp’s family and what would you think of daily updates on activities including photos?
Trying to work out if aibu as I am a little bit tired of pretty much any meal/activity with dp being documented by him and commented on in a constant family group chat. But no idea if this is the norm. My own family, aside from my mum I don’t speak to them more than a couple of times a month. One sibling lives abroad and I prob speak to him the least! But dp’s parents also live abroad. All the family members are late twenties or older.
Aibu? Is there any nice way to ask dp to stop documenting our every move? I don’t know if I should be flattered, I just wish some stuff could be between just us as our relationship is like a fish bowl with everyone looking in! He will be what’s apping during romantic meals, holidays, time with dc. He is a bit of a Phone junkie tbh (though otherwise amazing)
I know I could just leave the chat but it looks rude and it won’t stop him anyway!

If it were me I'd put a blanket ban on anything to do with me being posted. So if he wants to post a picture of a meal, he can cook the meal. If I cook it, it doesn't get posted.

When he gains some self-restraint, then I would be willing to be a bit more flexible on what he could post about me.

My DH used to send detailed emails to his family about what we were all doing, and I got so fed up with it and told him to stop including details about me in it. It dwindled off and is now non-existent. (In my case none of them ever responded anyway, so no great loss!)

I get sending pictures of your children's milestones to family and other nice moments, e.g. being in the pool on holiday. But I do think that it's out of order that your DH is sending these photos immediately- he needs to be living in the moment with you and your children rather than texting.

It's nice that your DH wants to send pics and include his family in your lives, and I'm sure his family enjoy and are grateful for this.

However, I think you need to start asking your DH to put his phone away more and not be constantly texting.

I agree with that Lily. I really feel that some people are so preoccupied with documenting and/or broadcasting their every move, they forget to actually have a life.

Thankfully, DP's family aren't like that. We meet up fairly regularly though.

I would tell him that he can post once weekly and all photos have to be agreed with you first

I am curious, would you be happy for a man controlling a woman's use of mobile phone and social media in this way??

This to me, is a red flag for potential domestic violence in a relationship. My therapist would agree too.

I agree that your husband needs to be present for meal times, and to be honest, I believe that phones should be off around children in general (I am a bit old school with this and accept that people don't agree). Saying that, my partner and I both have on call commitments which means that sometimes are "disconnect to reconnect schedules" simply can't happen, however, we do use the do not disturb function and set certain callers only (we do this with limited family members for Disconnect to reconnect times too.

I would speak to your DP, say that it you feel uncomfortable about it and suggest that there are certain times of the day, or week, where there's no mobile phone usage - perhaps inform him of the health benefits and ask whether he wants to be setting this example to his children?

I would also make the point of being involved in a weekly update if his family live abroad - it is harder to let grandparents feel included when they are a long way away and perhaps he is unconsciously over compensating for this fact; I am sure he wants his family to feel close to his children.

Do you skype / video call with his family? Perhaps offer to set this up weekly at a time that's suitable for you.

[By the way, I have contact with my parents daily and DP is the same; whatsapp, or a phone call, apart from the days we agree to not use mobile phones and computers]

I didn't even know this was a thing! We just 'like' updates on Facebook.

Unless there's a family group that I don't know about and now paranoia is creeping in

My mother in law once sat in our kitchen, around two years ago, with her phone in her hand and said "Madison, I don't think I have your mobile number" to which I replied "No, I don't believe that you do..." and left it at that.

I think the issue is more the constant phone use than his relationship with his family. People who are forever posting pictures of their food and updates like 'I'm just popping to the loo now' always strike me as fairly pathetic.

I'd be absolutely furious about someone being constantly on the phone during a romantic meal or when he's supposed to be focusing his attention on the children. I think you really need to agree limits on use of the phone anyway.

I also can't imagine anything more tedious than having members of my family reporting to me on every meal they have and every activity - do his family members seriously want that? As someone said upthread, doesn't it reach the point when he has no time to have a life because he's constantly reporting on it? I'd rather have a good chat with my family once a week or so.

I Think if it bothers you then you need to be the one to leave the group chat. This is clearly their way of feeling close despite the distance between them. My family have a group chat and there is chat on it everyday, often about mundane stuff. My dh isn't in the chat, if he was it would drive him mad!

I think I would have to arrange for his phone to get lost down the back of the sofa.

I used to find it weird that DH speaks to his parents at least every other day. Then I released the reason it bothered me is that I barely speak to my own family due to childhood issues I'm having counselling to resolve. It suddenly hit me that if I had relatives I got on with well enough to speak that often, then I probably would bother to call them sometimes. I'd love it if someone cared enough to want to talk to me

Actually DH was on the phone with MIL the other day, and when he came back through to the kitchen he said MIL was telling him they went out for lunch that day, and she said 'I had a lovely starter, I thought Deer might like it, except I know she doesn't like prawns' - that struck me as nice

If the constant need for updates is a problem for you, then that does need addressing. It's not fair that you have to feel uncomfortable, surely?

we have a family whats app group for my Husbands side of the family. We are on it most days but we are all very close. So much so I live next door to my MIL.

I’m very close to my family and love the IL’s to bits but this would be a bit much for me! I talk to or see my parents and Sister a couple of times a week and speak to MIL at least once a week (and MIL is a real oversharer) but we don’t share the minutiae of every day life by any means.
As for a WhatsApp group with either side of the family - no thanks!

Some of you are uptight and controlling.
I chat to my parents and siblings on our family chat all the time. If my dp didn't like it he could leave or just turn the notifications off.
If he wanted to limit the amount I communincated with my family I would be very
Luckily most of the people I know in rl area bit more "live and let live". So fucking what if people do things differently to you. It's no big deal.

When we're away, my DH does keep his parents regularly informed of our movements - partly because they worry, and partly because they're getting frail and don't get to travel much these days, so they're traveling vicariously through text messages from us. It used to wind me up terribly, and I found it quite intrusive - then I realized how excited my MIL is when we're out and about. So I had a firm word with myself and decided that if it makes them happy to hear about the cooker in the Airbnb we're renting, then that's just fine

It can seem a bit much when it's "BadGrandma's in the bath, and we're about to order a takeaway", but I decided to stop fretting about it, wear a serene smile and worry about things that actually matter

The only issue I would have here is being a phone junkie. I wouldn't have a problem at all with dp taking photos and uploading them at a quieter time.

Not much contact at all, phonecall about once a fortnight or month, send the odd email, compulsory attendance at all family events, that's about it.

There was another thread today about people using phones so much they miss actually being "present" in the moment and enjoying the actual activity because they are so busy trying to present a glossy super version to their followers.

Such a sad story of a little girl at the zoo who hardly saw any animals as her mother was so busy taking lovely photos of the girl with her back to them that the child missed out on any interaction or information.
Maybe show your DP that thread so he can enjoy being as happy as he's trying to make himself seem to his audience?

Different families and expectations are different I guess.

We have various family groups - one of just girls - my DM, DSis, Aunt and her two daughters. And it's a lot of "send me the recipe for that" and "oh I'm craving this dish" and updates on our adorable niece. My mum sis and I also have a group and chat. Both these have activity most days but not usually weekends.

The one including my dad has less chat, but mum fills him in on what's up with us anyway.

My DP isn't on any of these chats with my family. On his side we have a family group with his sibling, partner, and his parent + him and me. Again we share what we're up to - plays we're going to see or clips from a concert. Probably active 3-4 times a week.

But we both are happy with this level of chat/interaction. And we never sit around in the same room while whatsapping others. If it makes you uncomfortable talk to DP about phone usage when you're hanging out together. But the "norm" for family interaction varies quite widely depending on so many factors.

My family go through phases with this - sometimes its all pictures of peoples holiday dinners and other times a week or more goes by with no contact. I quite like it, to know what's going on with my family makes me feel close to them.

I wouldn't like it all day every day though - there does need to be a balance. And if he's sharing immensely private things that make you uncomfortable then that that needs addressing.

Shimmering, it's not uptight and controlling to find it odd that someone with their own partner and family wants to live in their parental family's pockets the whole time. If you can't let go, questions begin to arise about how committed you actually are to your relationship. Why would you not want to spend more of your time with your children and partner?

It's controlling to try and control how often a person can communicate with their family like a pp suggested upthread.
I don't see a problem with chatting every day, I don't see it as living in parental pockets. The fact that it would make you consider how committed some one is to a relationship makes my head hurt a bit tbh.
I agree that it is not ideal to be glued to your phone, be it on a WhatsApp chat or MN.
The rest is up to the individual, some families will communicate with each other more than others. Why does it have to matter.
Like I said if a DP told me that he did not think I should speak to my Mum everyday I would question his motives.

You can tell him you are not happy, but you can not stop him from doing it.

'My DH is trying to limit my time with my parents, they live abroad and we can only chat through whatsapp/phoning, I send them a couple messages a day as they like to be updated on day to day life with the children etc, OH thinks its obsessive and I shouldn't speak to them so much'

I think the replies from his point of view would be the complete opposite.

You could ask him to keep it chilled, like if he is doing it at dinner, ask him not to and maybe send them a message when your back home and chilling for the evening.

But I think how lovely to stay close to your family really. I'd love that type of relationship with mine and so would my OH. He positively buzzes when he gets a text back from one of his parents, maybe 3/4 times a year.

Wow, some of the responses here!

You can insist he doesn't use his phone while you're having dinner or spending time as a couple or family.

You can't tell him he can only message his family once a week! Wtf!

"Shimmering, it's not uptight and controlling to find it odd that someone with their own partner and family wants to live in their parental family's pockets the whole time. If you can't let go, questions begin to arise about how committed you actually are to your relationship. Why would you not want to spend more of your time with your children and partner?"

It is controlling. It's highly possessive. Look at the language you've used. It's "you don't belong to them, you belong to me". It's "you'll interact with your family in my way, not your own"

Why wouldn't you want someone who does their own 'wifework' as regards their family? Why wouldn't you want someone who is close and respectful and cares for their parents?

Me and DP both have family chat groups on WhatsApp and we're both a part of each others. I love seeing what our families are up to and sharing what we're doing.

I send a long email to my sister every day and receive a similarly long one back from her (DP doesn't see these but knows that I send them). I call my mum at least once a week to chat.

All families are different but I don't think you have a right to stop him communicating with his family. He'll probably think you don't like his family very much if you try.

I chat to my family on the message group all the time! We are half a world away from them and it’s a way of still feeling connected to them. They know the ins and outs of our daily life and still feel a part of my children’s family in spite of the distance.

If DH tried to limit my communication with my Dad and sisters I would be deeply unhappy. I don’t use the phone at mealtimes, I do use it while we’re away on holiday.

DH comes from a very different background - he talks to his Mum once or twice a year, his Dad slightly more often. He has never once questioned my levels of family communication though, he wouldn’t dream of it.