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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? - should I pay from savings

108 replies

Spaghettihead1 · 20/10/2017 11:02

Really need help to see if iabu - prepared to be told that I am.
I'm currently on 12months mat leave and coming up to the last 3 months where I will not have any income whatsoever.
Baby was planned and so started saving before prengnancy for 12 months of mortgage payments, Christmas presents, general bits and pieces and around £15 a week pocket money for me.

Both me and DP agreed that he would take on my share of the household bills only (minus mortgage and things needed for our 2dc) for these last 3 months of mat leave.
It has now come about, that because I have these savings, he's no longer willing to foot my half of the bills.
We keep our finances separate as I like to be financially independent and I've never come to him for money except for this circumstance.
Who's being unreasonable? Him or me?

OP posts:
AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 11:06

Both of you. You have a child together but don't have any intention of making your finances work as a family. You take 12 months off and have to live off savings while he gets to work and earn exactly the same way as before? And you're not married so you have no legal protection at all.
Why do women put themselves in such an unfair position?

Pickleypickles · 20/10/2017 11:08

I really dont understand people who have kids and still veiw finances as completely seperate Confused
You are meant to be a partnership not flat mates.

PurpleWithRed · 20/10/2017 11:10

Both of you. You have a child to support and should be working as a team. If you insist on running your finances like a corporation instead of like a family you should make sure you think through all the eventualities and get things in writing. Maybe even checked by a lawyer...

FWIW, I was like this with XDH and it was a massive mistake. It’s not just about the two of you, it’s about your child.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 20/10/2017 11:10

Umm, you are a married couple with children. Why on earth do you not have joint current and savings accounts?

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 11:11

They aren't a married couple.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 20/10/2017 11:11

If the savings were built up to have your DC then they should be used for the final 3 months.

For what it’s worth, I have separate finances from my DP. We have a child and a mortgage and it works. We both pay half of everything (even though I earn less as I dropped my hours to do additional child care). He gives me money if I need it. It works for us so I don’t see the point changing it. We are certainly not flat mates.
I have no interest in what he has in the bank and similar for him to me

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 20/10/2017 11:11

Apologies! Still, children together. That’s a bigger commitment than marriage.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/10/2017 11:16

So he thinks you should not only bear the physical burden of having a child and the inherent long term detriment to your career and future earning but he should bear no costs or financial loss at all? He can only have children because of you and he should make a financial contribution because that is all he has to give as he is biologically incapable.

What a cock. A massive, selfish and incredibly stupid cock.

You could suggest he does the last 3 months and you go back to work. Does he have any savings to use?

Moanyoldcow · 20/10/2017 11:16

Both of you. How these arrangements come about is beyond me. If you become a family your finances should become joint.

Wanting to maintain financial independence is fine but this isn't the way to do it. You should both pool your money and evenly distribute the surplus after bills and savings etc.

deepestdarkestperu · 20/10/2017 11:17

I don't understand these threads. You live together and have a child, why the "his and hers" attitude to money?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 20/10/2017 11:17

Although AndrewJames has really said it all.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/10/2017 11:21

I agree, this is a very odd situation. I understand that you want to remain financially independent - but surely that means using your savings to pay your way? The savings in question seem to have been built up specifically for this purpose so I'm not sure what the issue with using it is now?

To me, being financially independent means having your own income & having control/knowledge over how the family money is spent (joint control). It's knowing that if you ever separated from DP, you would be OK financially and know what debt and savings you have and where it is etc. etc. It is still entirely possible to do this with joint accounts and joint finances.

parietal · 20/10/2017 11:23

he should take 3 months paternity leave. you should go back to work and cover the bills.

LemonBreeland · 20/10/2017 11:26

Are these savings that you personally built up from your own money? Or did your DP contribute to the savings too?

I agree with pp's who said that you are both being unreasonable, as it is so strange to keep things so separate when you are meant to be a family.

If your DP contributed to the savings then you ABU. However since you have said that you keep everything separate, I'm guessing he didn't and you were the one who saved up and have taken pretty much all of the financial hit from the this ML, so he IBU. But you both need to have a more connected approach to finances.

Indigo90 · 20/10/2017 11:28

I think if you let him go back on his agreement and use your savings then this sets a very bad precedent. Far too often you hear about men keeping their money for themselves whilst the women bears all the costs of the children because "she wanted them".

You are a family now and he needs to man up. You have no income and he agreed to pay so he should.

Also agree with the PP who said that children are a long term detriment to the mother's earning power.

Original poster
Spaghettihead1 · 20/10/2017 11:31

From previous experience with ExH I have a million and one reasons to keep finances separate.
The house is mine, bought long before DP came along, so I pay the mortgage and mantainence to protect myself if anything was to ever go wrong with the relationship. As I said, previous experience has taught me that when things go wrong, anger/bitterness makes people do things they say they wouldn't.
We're not married, and I have no intention to - I don't understand what protection I would gain since the house is mine and DP doesn't have any assets or savings.
Everything else is a shared financial responsibility - although it always falls on me to foot the bill for any big surprises e.g. Car dies and we have to buy another because although we have a similar income, DP seems pretty crap with money I'm a better saver.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 20/10/2017 11:33

You both are to be honest - I think you need to see yourselves as a couple

who pays childcare

Original poster
Spaghettihead1 · 20/10/2017 11:36

Re childcare,
We both pay equally.

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 20/10/2017 11:37

It sounds like you are the only grown up in this relationship

MrsOverTheRoad · 20/10/2017 11:38

The house is mine,

To be fair, what protection does your partner have?

None really.

You own the house, if you split, he'd be out...with access to DC at weekends.

Why should he pay all the bills whilst you're on maternity? You've covered the mortgage I see...but he'd be expected to pay for all other expenses?

Not really fair. This is why it doesn't work to be separate once you have children.

Having children puts things in a different place...you're very vulnerable because you have to have a big physical change and he's vulnerable because he's not got a home if you split!

scoobydooagain · 20/10/2017 11:39

I understand not having joint finances, me and partner both divorced from big spenders, however we do not and would not have a child together which does blur things on the money front. To me the most obvious thing is why take 12 months mat leave? Go back to work and split things as before, making sure he takes on his share - financial, home and childcare, the idea of paternity leave for him sounds not bad if feasible and stops you getting embedded in the mum who does everything role.

hiyasminitsme · 20/10/2017 11:40

You're putting a full week of childcare into the pot which could easily cost £1500 a month or more. Is he paying you half of this amount?

StudentMumArghh · 20/10/2017 11:41

I'm sorry but if you can't trust you DP enough to have joint finances then you shouldn't of had a baby with him.

Original poster
Spaghettihead1 · 20/10/2017 11:41

lemonbreeland
I built the savings up from my own personal money. Had to do it twice in fact because whilst pregnant, I thought the roof needed a few small repairs. Turned out I actually needed a whole new re-roof. Wiped my valence back to zero and had no monetary help from DP whatsoever.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 20/10/2017 11:41

I think I'd just spend my savings. They will re-build when you return to work.

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