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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? - should I pay from savings

108 replies

Spaghettihead1 · 20/10/2017 11:02

Really need help to see if iabu - prepared to be told that I am.
I'm currently on 12months mat leave and coming up to the last 3 months where I will not have any income whatsoever.
Baby was planned and so started saving before prengnancy for 12 months of mortgage payments, Christmas presents, general bits and pieces and around £15 a week pocket money for me.

Both me and DP agreed that he would take on my share of the household bills only (minus mortgage and things needed for our 2dc) for these last 3 months of mat leave.
It has now come about, that because I have these savings, he's no longer willing to foot my half of the bills.
We keep our finances separate as I like to be financially independent and I've never come to him for money except for this circumstance.
Who's being unreasonable? Him or me?

OP posts:

ginnybag · 20/10/2017 12:05

I would look at what would happen if you went back to work.

Forget everything else, and look only at that. You can't afford to take three months completely unpaid and still pay for your responsibilities without overspending your budget, so therefore you don't take them off.

Immediately, your will incur Childcare costs, which, given this is his child too and your split all other bills 50/50, he needs to pay for half of. He'll be doing this anyway when you go back in three months, so he has to have the surplus money around for that.

Tell him what that figure would be, and then ask him if he'd rather do that? Or does he want to do what he said he would, and pay for the bills.

ShellyBoobs · 20/10/2017 12:06

You'll struggle to get much sense from many MNers on this subject, OP.

A lot of people here are vehemently opposed to not having complete access to their partner's money so can't see beyond that.

I think it's very sensible to manage things as you are doing.

In terms of this specific question - using savings, or him paying up - I would say he should at least contribute part of the extra funds needed.

Witsender · 20/10/2017 12:07

He should be picking up more costs. He planned this child too, why is he not equally responsible?

Original poster

Spaghettihead1 · 20/10/2017 12:08

Yes andrewjames WTF!!
He doesn't realise how good he's got it!

OP posts:

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 12:10

So why the fuck did you put yourself in this position? He has lots more money than you, at your expense. You are subsidising him while not earning because you had his kid. WHY?

sinceyouask · 20/10/2017 12:10

You're a family, why is it not family money?

Penfold007 · 20/10/2017 12:11

If you would normally go 50/50 on council tax, utilities, food bill, child care costs then he should pay you 'rent'. At the moment he's being house for free. Ultimately if he wont keep his promise you have to use your savings or return to work.

sunandmoonshine · 20/10/2017 12:11

@AndrewJames

Both of you. You have a child together but don't have any intention of making your finances work as a family. You take 12 months off and have to live off savings while he gets to work and earn exactly the same way as before? And you're not married so you have no legal protection at all. Why do women put themselves in such a position?

This in spades! ^

@Spaghettihead1

From previous experience with ExH I have a million and one reasons to keep finances separate.

The house is mine, bought long before DP came along, so I pay the mortgage and mantainence to protect myself if anything was to ever go wrong with the relationship. As I said, previous experience has taught me that when things go wrong, anger/bitterness makes people do things they say they wouldn't.

We're not married, and I have no intention to - I don't understand what protection I would gain since the house is mine and DP doesn't have any assets or savings.

Everything else is a shared financial responsibility - although it always falls on me to foot the bill for any big surprises e.g. Car dies and we have to buy another because although we have a similar income, DP seems pretty crap with money I'm a better saver.

I would hate to be in this situation. And I wonder why you brought a child into it? You don't sound like you trust him, you don't share finances, and frankly, it doesn't even sound like a relationship. As someone said earlier, you are more like flatmates.

Still, it's his kid as well, so he SHOULD be contributing. Sounds like he has no responsibilities at all. Nice.

For him...

As @AndrewJames said...

So he has a free place to live AND you pay for more of everything else? And while you have lost your income to look after his child, he carries on as before?

Wipe the footprints off your forehead OP!

@Shelleyboobs

You'll struggle to get much sense from many MNers on this subject, OP.

A lot of people here are vehemently opposed to not having complete access to their partner's money so can't see beyond that.

Oh FFS, don't talk such drivel.

Garlicansapphire · 20/10/2017 12:12

Oh its a bit complicated. I always had separate finances not because I didn't trust my XH but because I always believed it was a sensible option for my independence and tracking spending. I have seen some experiences of close friends/relatives where one partner was a total spendthrift and it impacted very badly on their shared finances and the wellbeing of my family member/friends and the children. I liked to see and track my individual spending and saving and adjust accordingly.

However, when we bought our first house my XH put in money from his parents whilst I put in all my savings that I'd spent years salting away. Although the sum he put in was bigger mine was from my own endeavours. I never resented that.

We just talked through the fairness of our contributions. I tended to save more than him which I was glad of - I could then choose when to treat myself or the family without asking anyone else's permission. I liked that. He paid for the mortgage and bills during mat leave, but when i went back to work I paid childcare and holidays - we made sure we were equally contributing and used a shared account for some of these expenses.

I think it worked out broadly fair though I think he felt a bit chippy about it - which might have had more to do with me earning more than him and being more of a saver - but he got gifts of money from his parents that wasn't shared.

Tealdeal747 · 20/10/2017 12:14

Given that you own the house you should keep your finances separate and pay your own mortgage.

BorisTrumpsLair · 20/10/2017 12:14

he sounds like a fucking cocklodger

XP took the piss out of me financially like this for years, and yes I paid for everything out of my savings like an idiot - but because I had to really.

If this really is his attitude OP I do not see this ending well.

AnUtterIdiot · 20/10/2017 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnionShite · 20/10/2017 12:20

Apologies! Still, children together. That’s a bigger commitment than marriage.

It's not. Having children together is a commitment to the child, not necessarily to the other parent. Getting married is a contract with another person, with legal and financial implications that you cannot necessarily contract out of and that you can't dissolve without going through a legal process. None of this is true of having a child with someone outside marriage.

OP did he know about these savings before making the agreement with you? I think if he made it in full knowledge, he should honour it. But if he wasn't aware I can see why he might be unhappy about that.

Also tbh I agree with the pp who said you probably can't afford the 3 unpaid months. If you have such a small amount of savings anyway and you're a homeowner, you need a buffer in case something else breaks and you don't appear to have it.

Oly5 · 20/10/2017 12:24

He's unreasonable here.
And I think you're right to keep your house and cash.. things do go wrong

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 20/10/2017 12:25

Disagree onion.

Sirrah · 20/10/2017 12:26

Out of interest, how much would your half of the bills be?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/10/2017 12:26

Having read your updates, I'm going with cocklodger in the making as well.

He's not willing to make any financial sacrifices at all, but expects you to use your savings, that you have already got a budgeted use for, because now he doesn't see why he should keep his side of the bills bargain?

Does he have any good points? I think he's taking you for a ride, tbh.

sunandmoonshine · 20/10/2017 12:27

@Anutteridot

No-one has an 'obsession' with joint accounts, and no-one is 'vehemently opposed to not having complete access to their partner's money' as someone rudely said.

But when you are a COUPLE, and you LIVE together and you have a CHILD, why the fuck would you not share finances more, and know each others' income etc? Why are (some) people so 'vehemently' determined to keep their income details a secret, from their life partner who they have a child with, and why do they want finances to be separate,?

And don't even get me fucking STARTED on a man wanting or expecting the mother of his child to pay for anything to do with the baby out of HER MONEY.

I think it's very dodgy if someone is not transparent and upfront about their earnings and finances when they are in a couple, and especially if they have a child. And if one person in a couple IS like this, it's nearly always the man. Gotta make sure THEY are ok eh?

OnionShite · 20/10/2017 12:27

What part do you disagree on nocrylil?

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 20/10/2017 12:29

I disagree that marriage is a bigger commitment than having a child.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 20/10/2017 12:33

If I were him I'd get the impression you'd didn't trust or love him that much. Wouldn't inspire me to be very giving back. Sounds like a really odd situation to have when you have a child together.

80sMum · 20/10/2017 12:36

What a strange arrangement you have, OP! Essentially, you have a lodger who helps pay the bills and with whom you have had a child.

OnionShite · 20/10/2017 12:41

Well the stuff I said about the legal side wasn't a matter of opinion nocry. And it's also not a matter of opinion that no such provisions exist for someone you have a child with but aren't married to. Having a child is a commitment to the child, or it should be anyway. The reality is that it's not necessarily a commitment to that child's other parent.

thiskittenbarks · 20/10/2017 12:46

Me and my partner have a baby and our finances are separate. Mainly because we haven't have time to sit down and combine everything and work it all out. We just pay for stuff at random which probably it's the the best plan. But it seems like you have good reasons for wanting to keep finances separate. If you have been burned with this type of thing before your caution is understandable.
You pay the mortgage- so does he contribute anything towards this i.e. Pay rent or anything?
When I lived in DPs flat that was his and not ours, he paid the mortgage and I paid all the bills because I was living there for free. It seemed like a good deal to me - as the alternative wouldn't be me paying rent and bills somewhere else.
You aren't being unreasonable at all. He said he would do it and you relied on him saying so. He needs to keep to his word. That patch where mat pay runs dry is scary - I'm there too right now and the last thing you need is surprises about things that you thought were budgeted for.
Hope it all works out for you.

ShellyBoobs · 20/10/2017 12:46

No-one has an 'obsession' with joint accounts, and no-one is 'vehemently opposed to not having complete access to their partner's money' as someone rudely said.

You're hilarious, sunandmoonshine.

Saying some people are vehemently opposed to not having complete acces to their partner's money is 'rude', according to you, whilst your own "Oh FFS, don't talk such drivel " response obviously isn't.

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