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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? - should I pay from savings

108 replies

Spaghettihead1 · 20/10/2017 11:02

Really need help to see if iabu - prepared to be told that I am.
I'm currently on 12months mat leave and coming up to the last 3 months where I will not have any income whatsoever.
Baby was planned and so started saving before prengnancy for 12 months of mortgage payments, Christmas presents, general bits and pieces and around £15 a week pocket money for me.

Both me and DP agreed that he would take on my share of the household bills only (minus mortgage and things needed for our 2dc) for these last 3 months of mat leave.
It has now come about, that because I have these savings, he's no longer willing to foot my half of the bills.
We keep our finances separate as I like to be financially independent and I've never come to him for money except for this circumstance.
Who's being unreasonable? Him or me?

OP posts:

Original poster

Spaghettihead1 · 20/10/2017 11:42

Valence??? Balance is what I ment

OP posts:

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/10/2017 11:42

Your update does make sense re: why you want to keep finances the way they are.

However, if that is your choice - and you are very firm on the stance that the house is yours & yours alone etc. - then I can see why DP would think you should still pay your half of everything when you have the funds to do so.

brasty · 20/10/2017 11:44

It is costing you to be on maternity leave and he is paying nothing. If you had to but your baby into childcare, that would cost.

Sirrah · 20/10/2017 11:45

I think he is BU. Have you explained that your savings are to cover the mortgage, which is keeping a roof over all of your heads? Three months of bills is not too much to ask when you are saving him rent/mortgage every month. He should step up and take a little responsibility as a father!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/10/2017 11:46

TBH I wouldn't have expected DP to help you with the roof costs given the circumstances.

I wouldn't expect him to invest money in repairing a house he'll never have any financial interest in.

Redpony1 · 20/10/2017 11:46

I don't agree with shared money, never have never will so i don't think YABU about that.

I'd just spend my savings for the 3 months to cover things if he's being an arse about the other arrangement. Although for that, he is BU

NotMyMonkees · 20/10/2017 11:46

If he has no assets and no savings even with only paying half, you're probably being unrealistic to expect him to suddenly be able to pay all of the bills. Pay your half out of your savings, build them back up when you go back to work, and continue to protect your and your children's financial future.

Carebear1357 · 20/10/2017 11:47

My dh and I have 2 dc and we have a joint account which pays for bills and food and we have our separate current accounts. It's not uncommon.

I don't want to ask him if I can buy something with my own money once I've contributed to the bills. I had to do this in the last couple of months of mat leave which I was annoyed about

viques · 20/10/2017 11:48

I assume he is paying you something which would be the equivalent of 'rent' or 'mortgage' if he was not living in your property?

If he is then use this to fund your share of household bills, if he isn't then use it as a starting point for discussion about finance.

May50 · 20/10/2017 11:48

I think he's unreasonable as you agreed in advance he would pay your share of bills during the last 3 months. So, he's gone back on what was agreed.

You say you pay all the mortgage as it's your house, and you normally pay bills 50/50. So - normally he lives rent free is that correct, by just sharing bills? Seems to me like he has a good deal and he can't even bend over backwards a bit for these 3 months?

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 11:48

Everything else is a shared financial responsibility - although it always falls on me to foot the bill for any big surprises e.g. Car dies and we have to buy another because although we have a similar income, DP seems pretty crap with money I'm a better saver

So he has a free place to live AND you pay for more of everything else? And while you have lost your income to look after his child, he carries on as before?

WTF?

mindutopia · 20/10/2017 11:48

He is being unreasonable if it's what you long ago decided on and he's changing his mind and going back on that agreement when you've already long budgeted for that. My dh and I keep our finances separate, in the sense that we don't have a joint account (for no reason other than laziness, we have two personal accounts plus a business account, the effort of opening and managing a 4th account just doesn't seem worth the hassle when the current system works). Ordinarily, he pays the rent, a few monthly household bills, like internet, etc. I pay for childcare and food shopping. We share big household bills, like council tax or electric; one of us sends the money to the other who then pays it. We each pay for our own personal living expenses, like meals out with friends, mobile phones, clothes, etc.

For my mat leave, I've budgeted a certain amount for each month to continue to cover my usual costs (mostly food shopping, clothes and activities for the children, things for myself, whatever) and he will continue to pay what he pays now (rent, a few household bills). But ultimately, we're a team. If one of us has a shortfall in a given month, and when on mat leave, this is more likely to be me, the other steps in to cover that bill. So while I don't think you need to have a joint account, realistically you still have joint expenses, and you need to share those jointly. If you can pay those out of what you've saved, great. But if you can't, then as the person who is earning, he needs to be making up the difference. Certainly, if you went back to work (because he couldn't keep to his agreement to pay what you had budgeted), then you would need to pay for childcare and ultimately, as a household you'll be spending more money anyway regardless of whose account it might initially come from.

Danceswithwarthogs · 20/10/2017 11:48

Yanbu, you're looking after his child, you have no income right now... Why should you be covering half of the bills too? It seems to me that you alone have taken the financial hit of this baby. How will that translate in how childcare costs are shared when you do go back?

If you want to be pedantic, charge him half the hourly rate of a full-time childminder/nursery and pay your share of the bills with that... But it would be better if you could get your finances on a more shared, fairer footing.

Also, without wanting to be negative, there have been loads of threads on here with relationship breakdowns between unmarried parents -
women who aren't working while caring for children can often claim very little by way of support/assets from their ex compared to a divorce settlement. You do need to protect yourself. Do you have proof that you pay half of the mortgage?

Remind him of the agreement you made when deciding how much maternity to take (if you'd known taking a year off with the child you both made was going to effectively bankrupt you while he carries on largely as normal, you might not have taken as long) or suggested sharing parental leave.

Hope you get it sorted

Hillarious · 20/10/2017 11:48

Given your financial planning is based on the possibility of your relationship breaking down, it all seems quite fair really. You're protecting yourself with your stance and reluctance to pool resources, and the next three months is a consequence of that. As a PP said, you'll soon build back up your savings once you're back at work.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/10/2017 11:49

You live together, have a mortgage together, have a child together and split finances like a pair of housemates How does that work, trusting someone enough to have a baby with them but not to share money?

The thing is, what you're experiencing now is the downside of that. Rightly or wrongly (and I happen to think he's wrong, at least while you're on mat leave), your dp probably feels that if you want to retain financial control to that extent you should be stumping up.

MiniMummy576 · 20/10/2017 11:50

I understand about keeping finances separate for your reasons.
As it happens DH and I have separate finances mainly, but that's because we budget differently (and a few other reasons that are a bit 'and, and, and' to go into) but we each have stuff for the household to pay for and if either of us is short for something, the other helps out - although this usually only happens for 'incidental' stuff like DS's clothes and toys etc.
If I were you I'd be a little annoyed mainly that your DP is going back on the agreement that you both made when planning for the baby, but at the end of the day it's all got to come out of the family budget from somewhere, right? Unless if it leaves you short for mortgage payments or something else important, in which case it's in his own interest to chip in.

BeachyKeen · 20/10/2017 11:50

Either you are financially independent, and you will have to pay out of your savings, or you aren't financially independent, and ask for help.
This isn't Schroedinger 's money.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 20/10/2017 11:51

You can't have it both ways.
You can't keep him at arms length financially to ensure he doesn't have any rights to your house and then expect to him to pay more when it suits you.

Findingdotty · 20/10/2017 11:52

These threads frustrate me so much! You are a family. You need to have shared finances at least to an extent. It must cause division between you on a regular basis (like your current example).

Is your DP bad with money or stashing it away somewhere to provide financial security for himself in the same way you do with the house?

In truth I can see why he wants to doesn't want to pay your half the bills when you split things the way you do. You have a lot more security than he does currently I think. Of course we don't know the exact ins and outs of your finances.

Danceswithwarthogs · 20/10/2017 11:53

Sorry x-post, just seen your updates. You sound very sensible.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 20/10/2017 11:53

Schroedinger 's money

RolfNotRudolf · 20/10/2017 11:53

Are you billing him for his share of child care costs/your loss of earnings while looking after his child?

Original poster

Spaghettihead1 · 20/10/2017 11:55

Exactly brasty full time nursery plus before and after school club for our other dc would cost him far more than my half of the bills.

What he doesn't see is that the savings are spoken for. I will have to use the money saved for Christmas so he'll have to pay out extra for that and he won't have budgeted for it.
He won't be impressed Christmas Day when I serve up turkey instead of the goose he's been accustomed to

OP posts:

SilverSpot · 20/10/2017 12:03

To be fair, what protection does your partner have?

But he isn't paying ANYTHING towards his living costs except some money towards bills. So he has ample opportunity to save and buy something of his own. He is a healthy working person.

SilverSpot · 20/10/2017 12:04

full time nursery plus before and after school club for our other dc would cost him far more than my half of the bills.

So say this. "ok DP, I will go back to work full time. Your bill for 1/2 cjildcare will be £[x]"

He sounds like a total looser anyway tho.

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