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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for more time with my own children

74 replies

justsmileandwave28 · 17/10/2017 18:31

Since splitting from my ex partner 6 years ago I feel like I hardly see my children :( they go to their dads every weekend Friday to Sunday evening.
So I feel like I only get the rubbish times :( School tea bath bed.
When I ask to have them he gets upset because he too goes all week with out seeing them which again I understand. He’s a brilliant dad! And I can’t fault him. But I wanna maybe do something fun with them now and then but there’s no time in the week as I work and then it’s homework then tea and bed by 7.30-8 pm.
Any one got suggestions? It’s also his turn this xmas so he gets xmas with them too this year :( it’s not normal to miss your own children surely ?

OP posts:

thepurplehen · 17/10/2017 18:34

How old are they? Is the contact court ordered or a private agreement?

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 17/10/2017 18:35

I would ask for one weekend a month as you should be allowed some down time with them too. If your ex gets upset offer him 2 extra week days and let him do some of the hard work of school runs etc.

Taylor22 · 17/10/2017 18:35

Can he do mid week?

DelphiniumBlue · 17/10/2017 18:36

Why can't he have them during the week? It doesn't seem fair that you do all the hard grind but don't get any off the fun bits. Time to reconsider the arrangements.

5rivers7hills · 17/10/2017 18:37

Can you do week with you week with Dad? Or some sort of a Wed-Sat / Sun-Tue split?

Every weekend is super shit for you.

HeebieJeebies456 · 17/10/2017 18:39

ideally 'every other weekend' would be better so you both get a weekend with dc and one to yourselves.

How far does he live?
He can start having them 1 or 2 nights during the week as well, pick them up after school, do the boring tedious weeknight routine with them and drop them off at school the next morning.

I suggest you both discuss splitting the week days/weekends.
If he refuses, put your foot down and don't hand them over each weekend.
Tell him to take it to court....the court usually starts with EOW.

Watch your own back though, keep as much of these discussions/confirmations in writing be that email/text and save copies of the discussion in case you computer/phone breaks.
That way if he does take you to court, you've got the evidence to show that you've tried to be fair and reasonable.

combatbarbie · 17/10/2017 18:40

Have either of you moved away so that 50/50 care wouldn’t be feesible?

From what I see on here and in RL, the norm is usually EOW if 50/50 can’t be done. I’d definitely be pushing for half the weekends.

Glumglowworm · 17/10/2017 18:40

Yanbu

The current arrangement doesn't sound very fair, you have all the tired school days and I'm guessing responsibility for childcare in school holidays. He had every weekend to have fun with them.

What if it changed so he had them Thursday-Saturday or Sunday-Tuesday or something? Same amount of time, same frequency but you both get some weekend time with DC.

Or alternate weekends but he has then one weeknight as well is quite common

CPtart · 17/10/2017 19:46

If he's so upset not to see them in the week he'll jump at the chance in exchange for you to get some weekend time with them. That would be him putting their needs first before his wants wouldn't it? That's what good dads do. The real test of how 'brilliant' a dad he is, is his willingness to juggle the drudgery of school pickups, drop offs, homework, dental appointments, sick days etc etc Mon-Friday around work. Just as you're expected to to make his life easier. That the real test. You're being done over.

Trb17 · 17/10/2017 19:48

Norm tends to be EOW and a night in the week. Sounds like your arrangement is unfairly balanced against you OP. Unless court ordered I’d change it.

timeisnotaline · 17/10/2017 19:52

That's a terrible arrangement for you. I'd change it, unless for some reason it's court ordered. If he's a brilliant dad he will be able to handle getting them to school a couple of days. I suppose do the usual , explain your reasoning in email, say he can have the same days but you need every other weekend to have down time with your children, and he can share some of the school time. If he is unreasonable I would keep them for a weekend and he can take you to court, which will perfectly understand that you want weekends.

Piratesandpants · 17/10/2017 19:55

Hell YANBU. Why can't he do some weekday care? That is in no way fair at all.

VioletCharlotte · 17/10/2017 19:55

I don't think YABU at all. I'd hate this. Could you look at alternate weekends, plus one night a week with him as well?

CrazyLoopyLou · 17/10/2017 20:03

First of all, as a step mum who's dh ex just dictates to him when he sees his daughter, it's actually really nice to see someone considering the feelings of the dad. I know not all women are like this but what I've experienced for the last 8 years, it's really nice to see.

Back to the point, I don't think yabu at all. You both deserve weekends with them. As mentioned before I think the fairest thing would be every other weekend and the weekend he doesn't have them he can have some time in the week if it's possible for him? If not the maybe you had every 3rd but he still has the Friday eve so he still sees them? It would also be fairer on the children getting to spend some fun time with their mum too.

TheHungryDonkey · 17/10/2017 20:06

I have the same arrangement and I feel exactly the same as you. My ex is a nightmare so I can’t rock the boat.

MrsJasonIsbell · 17/10/2017 20:17

My wee one goes to Dad Wed/Thu each week. Occasional weekends. Your set up isn't fair. I wouldn't put up with it and I say that as someone with an adult child and had a similar time as you with her Dad.

ilovepixie · 17/10/2017 20:25

What about every other weekend. And the weekend he doesn’t have them he could have then in the week.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/10/2017 20:26

Oh that's shit ! You need a better deal here I agree 100000%

Can you open a discussion amicably

What do the kids think ?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/10/2017 20:31

A court wouldn't order the arrangement you have for the reasons you've identified. Even if he's far away, I'd suggest you have 1 in 2 or 3 weekends. Alternating Christmas sucks but is fair. Brace face required.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/10/2017 20:32

Brave face!

AnathemaPulsifer · 17/10/2017 20:35

You should have half the weekends. He can have extra weekdays if he wants. Or as PP suggested, he has the same length of time every week but only one of the weekend days.

Antisocialarsebadger · 17/10/2017 20:50

How old are they

tomatoplantproject · 17/10/2017 20:52

Why on earth is it fair that you do all the grunt work but not have any fun time. What is that teaching them about a woman’s role - to do all the hard work whilst the man does the fun?

Its good that he’s spending time with them but how can you create happy memories of your own and have the opportunity of showing your lighter side if you don’t have the opportunity at weekends?

Best of luck in getting the changes you need amicably.

Joinourclub · 17/10/2017 20:54

What?! That arrangement is not reasonable! Everyone lives for the weekends. You really deserve some weekend time with your kids. I would definitely insist on sharing the weekends equally.

georgeisadinosaur · 17/10/2017 20:56

I'm seperated and would hate this arrangment. As it happens exP has one weekday and one weekend day off so it works nicely.

Could this be an option?

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