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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for more time with my own children

74 replies

justsmileandwave28 · 17/10/2017 18:31

Since splitting from my ex partner 6 years ago I feel like I hardly see my children :( they go to their dads every weekend Friday to Sunday evening.
So I feel like I only get the rubbish times :( School tea bath bed.
When I ask to have them he gets upset because he too goes all week with out seeing them which again I understand. He’s a brilliant dad! And I can’t fault him. But I wanna maybe do something fun with them now and then but there’s no time in the week as I work and then it’s homework then tea and bed by 7.30-8 pm.
Any one got suggestions? It’s also his turn this xmas so he gets xmas with them too this year :( it’s not normal to miss your own children surely ?

OP posts:
confusedlittleone · 17/10/2017 21:36

I'd do eow- no nights in the week tho, I hated doing it as a child so would never do it to mine

confusedlittleone · 17/10/2017 21:39

I would also renegotiate xmas, he can pick them up at like 5pm xmas day? Or have them xmas eve and you pick them up first thing xmas day? Xmas is a Monday this year so not even his day in the first place.

Cath2907 · 17/10/2017 21:47

Change the arrangement, 1 evening per week for him and 1 weekend day each alternating sat/Sun. Far more fair!

Original poster
justsmileandwave28 · 18/10/2017 00:25

The kids are 9 and 11 and we live in separate cities
And because of Work commitments he can’t do the week days as I have bought that up in the past
It seems we are both missing out either way and it sucks big time!
It’s a private arrangement between me and him. It’s been this way for years. I’m at a loss at what to do they are getting older too :(

OP posts:
Original poster
justsmileandwave28 · 18/10/2017 00:26

With xmas and birthdays we take it in turns and this year it’s his turn :( ild be selfish to say no :(

OP posts:
Twinkleheth · 18/10/2017 00:33

Change the arrangement. If he can’t do midweek then the only compromise is that you have the children one weekend in four. That’s still giving him a lot of quality time with the kids. It will get to the stage though that the kids want to see their friends at weekends, so maybe it will be a Fri-Sat with you and Sat-Sun with him.

GirlInASwirl · 18/10/2017 05:11

My son goes to his dad's every other weekend. His Dad and I went to court because he wanted to see him more. The judge ruled that I deserved some 'down time' with him too. Just like you, my son lives with me full time during the week.

99hippos · 18/10/2017 05:16

I am a step Mum to two wonderful children.
My partner and his ex have a brilliant setup, she has them every Monday, Wednesday and every second Friday, Saturday, Sunday.
We have them every Tuesday, Thursday and the alternate Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

That way, everyone does school pickups, drop offs and get 50/50 share of weekends.

I hope it works out for you!

GirlInASwirl · 18/10/2017 05:27

From my experience - my parents shared custody. Please consider how often children chop and change between parents/settings. Even into adult life some people can feel unsettled if they lived between two homes for a number of years. I found moving every weekend actually really unsettling and felt that I was a guest at both places. Before I could relax I was packing bags again.

Threenme · 18/10/2017 05:38

No advice op just wanted to say I admire you and your ex. Even though it's not great for your you're both doing fab for your kids to be so amicable Star

strawberrisc · 18/10/2017 06:12

My ex and I do every other weekend. Whoever she is with weekend she’s with the other on Monday night. She’s wirh me Thu night as well (due to previous logistics - this is due ti change). YANBU for wanting weekend time and your ex sonds reasonable enough to understand.

jeaux90 · 18/10/2017 06:37

You should be getting a weekend with them a month at least. The fact he can't do the week is not your fault.

tomatoplantproject · 18/10/2017 06:44

Why can’t he change his work commitments to have them once a week? You’re only asking for once a week. Other people structure work commitments around children. Its called being a parent.

rightsofwomen · 18/10/2017 06:51

Unless he is of very low IQ he must see things from your POV.

I’d tell you would like to sit together and make it more fair. If he’s unwilling then take it to court. They will make it more fair - take them about 30 seconds I should think. You can self represent.

The kids have a day at their age. Do you know what they want?

CPtart · 18/10/2017 07:02

As I said, so it's inconvenient to him to do weekdays because of work commitments? How does he think thousands of working single mums manage Mon-Fri. They have to look for jobs that fit round family life, even if they're lower paid with less status. But he won't do that will he? Current set up suits him just fine on the quiet.

Joiningthegang · 18/10/2017 07:03

Hi op
In my immediate circle all the dads have the children every weekend, but if mum asked to have them that would be ok too

I split with my ex in march and he had them every weekend.
Since then we have changed so I have them the first weekend of the month - works well for us.
With every other weekend, I get what everyone is saying, but then he doesn't see his children for 12 days in a row - imagine how you would feel in this circumstance? And can you not alternate Christmas - this yelalear he is doing 22/23/24 and I have 24/26
It isn't about what works for others but what you are Bren both reasonably happy with.
Maybe give him xmas day and ask for a weekend a month maybe - or even pick them up late Saturday and have some Sundays?

LetBartletBeBartlet · 18/10/2017 07:03

With your eldest dc in particular, they're getting to the age where they'll want to be spending time with their school friends at the weekend.

If they are at school/applying for secondary in your city, then how is this going to work?

It seems like a very inflexible arrangement, unless their df is ferrying them around for birthday parties etc, and giving them quality time to spend with you as well.

SuperBeagle · 18/10/2017 07:08

Would 50:50 work? You have them for one week, then he gets them for one week etc. That way you both get weekdays and both get weekends.

ZepellinBend · 18/10/2017 07:09

I would definitely ask for one weekend a month, it's what a friend of mine does. 3 with ex and 1 with her. Or how about 2 weekends with him, then only the Fri or Sat night for the next two weeks which gives a night for you both.

We do every other weekend ourselves and ex calls in during the week to see dc when he can as he lives a fair distance away but is often around my area for work.

Your ex will have to suck it up some way. It's unfortunate but surely he can see it's unfair for you.

Angrybird123 · 18/10/2017 07:15

I agree with the pp that he needs to look at his 'work commitments '. Presumably your work has been strict around the kids si maybe he needs to look at options there just like most single parents do. Either that or he will have to accept only seeing his kids every 12 days. There are always choices and options it's just a matter of what he chooses. What happend in school holidays OP?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 18/10/2017 07:18

My children have just started seeing their arse of a dad every other weekend on a Sunday (court ordered) and he's taking them for tea on a weekday each week. Overnight in the week isn't practical for various reasons but he's still getting that time with them. Even if your ex can't have them overnight can he not pick them up from school/after school care and take them for tea once or twice a week? And then share weekends ideally. He's being massively selfish to not make any sort of sacrifice and imo isn't that good a dad if he won't consider letting the children spend some fun time with their mum some weekends.

Lovemusic33 · 18/10/2017 07:29

My ex just sees the dd's on a Sunday (every week), he can't have them overnight so he helps me out once a week when I work a evening shift (comes and sits with them). I wish he would have them for a whole weekend once a month.

Do you get them during holidays?

I think you should ask him if you can have them for one weekend a month or if he could just have them Friday night through to sat night? Then you get Sunday with them?

crunchermuncher · 18/10/2017 07:30

99hippos that sounds like a very fair arrangement for the parents but potentially exhausting for the kids? I'd hate to be staying at alternate houses every night. Especially during the week. How do the kids cope with it? Do they never get more than 3 nights in any one place?

OP your current arrangement sounds unfair on you and the kids. When do they get quality time with their mum? And as a previous poster said, what is it teaching them about roles? Weekends must be so hard Flowers Good luck in making changes.

Birdsgottafly · 18/10/2017 08:33

You should have a weekend day, at least once a month.

How did you end up living in different cities and how far apart are they?

NewPapaGuinea · 18/10/2017 09:24

People are change averse and he's comfortable with how things are. What incentive is there for things to change?

You're definitely getting the short end of the stick and I'd force the change and he'll just have to suck it up.

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