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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reporting to Social Services

64 replies

PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:29

I'm very torn about this but hear me out please?

There is someone i am close to who has a girlfriend - they have one baby together and she has two toddlers from a previous relationship. I've got concerns about minor aspects of her parenting anyway (children are often unwashed, dressed always in grubby clothing) but nothing so alarming that I would involve SS. However on two occasions over the past 24 hours I have heard her snap at her 2 year old, telling him to "fuck off". I'm actually disgusted by this.
She swears around them all the time but this is the first time I've directly noticed her swearing at them.

This woman grew up in care so I know she has not had a great upbringing or parenting role models. I want to speak to Social Services because I think they need support and some guidance but I'm worried that she has such negative experiences of SS that she won't take any of it on board. They are close to me and I don't want to do it but I really have to, don't I?

Of course goes without saying that the kids are more important to me than the adults are so I know it's the right thing to do. Unless you wise MNers think I'm overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:30

Also reading that back in aware it sounds like I'm targeting the mum and ignoring the dad. I don't mean to be - I'm just as shocked at him allowing her to do this.

OP posts:
PandorasXbox · 14/10/2017 16:34

Is it just the dirty clothes and swearing that’s making you consider calling SS?
How do the children seem otherwise?

If everything else is ok then I very much doubt SS will do anything.

AndrewJames · 14/10/2017 16:35

Social services won't be interested in mildly grubby children whose parents swear at them, I'm afraid. They barely have time for the ones who are actually abusing them.

CheshireChat · 14/10/2017 16:37

Have you tried talking to him? Is that an option?

Maybe she needs more support? Would you be able to help out? Would they even accept?

Original poster
PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:38

It's not even the dirty clothes really, i know kids get messy. But when I have bathed these children I notice that they aren't clean behind the ears or between their toes (basically in places where they must not have been washed for quite some time for it to get that bad).

There was an incident last night that I don't want to post about in detail because it is outing if the mum is on here but involved the dad getting angry with his 2yo stepchild and leaving her in a vulnerable position and turning the light out on her so she was stuck in the dark and hysterically upset. That, on top of the mum swearing at the child, has made me think they both have very serious anger issues that they are directing at toddlers.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:39

You're probably right about there not being much for SS to go on. I just worry about doing nothing and it escalating. They live in a different LA to me but I have a social worker (am currently adopting) so might discuss it in confidence with her to see what she suggests.

OP posts:
TiesThatBindMe · 14/10/2017 16:40

Why not just say to her - 'aw, don't swear at him, he's only a child' or something? I think it's incredibly sneaky to go behind someone's back to Social Services. If you're this concerned, tell her.

AdalindSchade · 14/10/2017 16:40

Social services won't be interested in mildly grubby children whose parents swear at them, I'm afraid. They barely have time for the ones who are actually abusing them

I'm sorry but this is rubbish. We have plenty of time for children who are being abused and we also have time to screen ALL referrals which includes calling health visitors and nurseries, who may have Information about the family that triangulates with the information you have.

If you think children are being neglected or emotionally abused make the call. Every referral is screened and even if it doesn't go anywhere, if they are referred again in future there will be a record of your report.

PandorasXbox · 14/10/2017 16:41

Obviously only you are aware of the incidents going on in the household and whether they should be reported.

How often do you see the family?

Original poster
PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:41

Maybe she needs more support? Would you be able to help out? Would they even accept?

I want to help them get support but they will not accept it if they view it as a criticism of their parenting. I try to help out as much as I can by taking the older 2 out for a few hours when I visit (weekly at the moment) and do odd bits of housework for them, but if I was to say anything about their parenting I don't think they would let me back in the house.

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincent · 14/10/2017 16:42

Have a chat with SS about it and see what they say.

The parents may need support or intervention, or SS may have no concerns.

However, I think doing nothing is not an option and agree that you are right to be worried about the DC, particularly after last night.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/10/2017 16:43

What was the vulnerable position he left her in?

Original poster
PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:43

Why not just say to her - 'aw, don't swear at him, he's only a child' or something? I think it's incredibly sneaky to go behind someone's back to Social Services. If you're this concerned, tell her.

Should have made it clear that I did say something both timea. The first time was very much what you've just said, the second time I was a bit more harsh and said "swearing at him isn't going to help the situation he's a child". She just laughed it off both times.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:45

What was the vulnerable position he left her in?

Didnt want to say but obviously i guess its relevant. Sat on a toilet where she would struggle to get off by herself.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 14/10/2017 16:45

I agree with PP's that grubby clothes and swearing wouldn't be enough for SS to do anything but last nights' incident definitely sounds like abuse to me. Yes to talking it over with your SW first but, on balance, I think I would report. SS still may not deem it serious enough but at least you've done what you can.

TiesThatBindMe · 14/10/2017 16:45

Why are you not addressing these issues as they occur? FFS, I cross posted with your subsequent posts about the 2 year old, but I would have intervened. Based on subsequent posts I probably would report.

TiesThatBindMe · 14/10/2017 16:46

And cross posted again! Yes, report.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/10/2017 16:49

I'm sorry but this is rubbish. We have plenty of time for children who are being abused and we also have time to screen ALL referrals which includes calling health visitors and nurseries, who may have Information about the family that triangulates with the information you have

The op herself used the words minor and specified it’s stuff like grubby behind the ears and toes she even said not even really dirty clothes and talked about 2 incidences of swearing/verbal snapping

And you straight away jump from that to OMG we have time for abused children.

Granted in a later post she gave what could possibly be rather more concerning information but not anywhere near enough to decide if a child was being abused or not.

AndrewJames · 14/10/2017 16:50

I'm sorry but this is rubbish. We have plenty of time for children who are being abused and we also have time to screen ALL referrals which includes calling health visitors and nurseries, who may have Information about the family that triangulates with the information you have

Don't know where you are working, but in my department we certainly do not have time for every single thing. This call would be traiged down to the bottom of everyones list.

Original poster
PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:50

I intervened with the toilet incident too. I don't know why you're assuming I didn't? I went and got her off the toilet and comforted her and told the dad he was being awful, he then stormed off and hasn't spoken to me since.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:54

Should also say the mum was completely disgusted at his behaviour over the toilet incident too

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 14/10/2017 16:55

Why is it the OP’s responsibility to sort this out? Why is she being berated instead of a mother who swears at her babies ffs?

If people on this thread are actually social workers, it worries me (aside from Adalind who seems to actually give a damn). Are no lessons ever going to be learnt from past tragic cases?

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2017 16:57

"I think it's incredibly sneaky to go behind someone's back to Social Services. "

I'm sick of reading about murdered/permanently disabled toddlers and the neighbours/family say that there's been signs for months.

OP, disclose to someone, whether it is your SW or direct to Care line.

Those children need intervention.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/10/2017 16:59

Wombling

Is there any information at all that the op gives that could indicate anything tragic?

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2017 17:00

"This call would be traiged down to the bottom of everyones list."

Is that a cross post? Because if being shut in a dark toilet wouldn't have alarm bells ringing(on top of the rest) your LA is under performing, as the famous Haringey and Yorkshire once were.