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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reporting to Social Services

64 replies

PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 16:29

I'm very torn about this but hear me out please?

There is someone i am close to who has a girlfriend - they have one baby together and she has two toddlers from a previous relationship. I've got concerns about minor aspects of her parenting anyway (children are often unwashed, dressed always in grubby clothing) but nothing so alarming that I would involve SS. However on two occasions over the past 24 hours I have heard her snap at her 2 year old, telling him to "fuck off". I'm actually disgusted by this.
She swears around them all the time but this is the first time I've directly noticed her swearing at them.

This woman grew up in care so I know she has not had a great upbringing or parenting role models. I want to speak to Social Services because I think they need support and some guidance but I'm worried that she has such negative experiences of SS that she won't take any of it on board. They are close to me and I don't want to do it but I really have to, don't I?

Of course goes without saying that the kids are more important to me than the adults are so I know it's the right thing to do. Unless you wise MNers think I'm overreacting?

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 14/10/2017 17:00

Please make the call, they can offer parenting classes and support. The kids need it. They dont have to grow up listening to that.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 14/10/2017 17:02

To be fair I have been known that when 2 year old is really pushing my buttons to go in my room away from her and say 'fuck off repeatedly she can't hear me.. are you sure it is aimed at the child?

HadronCollider · 14/10/2017 17:02

Sorry but I think telling a 2 year old to fuck off is emotionally abuse at best. Thing is if she swears at ther 2 year old with someone around could she not be doing worse when not around? Children have a real need for emotional stability. I would inform SS. She may need more support, parenting classes etc.

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2017 17:03

Op if you know the HV contact them as well, or instead of. HV's can get out the same day.

Tragically there are often signs of old injuries. In every serious case there are fractures dating back months.

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2017 17:05

Bbbb have you ever left your two year old in a dark toilet, screaming?

Do you not think that this indicates that the child is an inconvenience to the Parents and there is no thought for the child's mental/emotional health?

WelshMumof1 · 14/10/2017 17:07

If it was just swearing and not having enough bath's I wouldn't report them myself, although I would be having a word. However, the fact that you then mention that the child was shut in a potentially dangerous place in the dark, to the point where they were hysterically upset - that's abuse. That's emotional abuse, and it's putting them in a dangerous situation. I would absolutely be reporting it. Write a detailed letter with everything you can think of if you you'll be flustered and forget things over the phone.

I don't know if SS will do anything. I don't know if these parents would accept advice, support, lessons or anything. But I do know that there's only one thing you can do in this situation and that's report it. So you do the best thing you can do and then hope that it's in the best of hands.

YouMeanNothing · 14/10/2017 17:18

I'm a bit conflicted about whether it's a good idea or not for you to discuss this with your own SW even in confidence because it's another LA so not for her to know

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/10/2017 17:19

In our area the toilet incident would be responded to

MyDobbygotgivenasock · 14/10/2017 17:22

Does she still have an health visitor? I absolutely would share your concerns, part of the problem with abuse is that it begins often in situations that escalate because parents can't cope, and abuse works so it becomes as much of a parenting tool as an emotional release. Were there people to step in then much of the chronic low grade abusive behaviour, that damages children as effectively, would be lessened or stopped entirely.
I certainly would be reporting to as many services as I could, the hv, social services, I'd request support from nursery if any are going. As an abused child I find the notion that protecting a child is snitching disgusting and think so little of those people I can't tell you.
I have questioned my social worker (foster carer) when I have been unsure of situations in school or socially, the advice has generally been to report concerns.
Children don't end up in care on a whim, but neither did they wake up one day to find an abuser where their parent was, it escalates, sometimes it's by people so very damaged and bad there would have been no other outcome, often it's people who have chaotic lives, no positive parenting models and are just too poorly equipped to parent and they can change it all around if they're willing to engage with support. If they won't engage and put the children first then the children deserve better and what happens from that point is not baby snatching, its consequences.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 14/10/2017 17:24

It may be considered sneaky to report to SS but sometimes it needs to be done.

User843022 · 14/10/2017 17:28

Imo the issue is if this is what they are happy to do in front of people then who knows what they do behind closed doors when no one is around.

I would ring NSPCC and get advice.

Ploppie4 · 14/10/2017 17:29

It’s irrelavent wether it’s sneaky or not. The child comes first. HoweverSS won’t be interested. Maybe ask them if they want to attend s parenting course with you.

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2017 17:30

Ploppie why do you think SS won't be interested?

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2017 17:32

"I'm a bit conflicted about whether it's a good idea or not for you to discuss this with your own SW even in confidence because it's another LA so not for her to know"

It doesn't work like that, the SW can still report it internally. Really, as a SW, even when you are on holiday, if you see something that you think needs reporting,you should be.

Are you a SW?

YouMeanNothing · 14/10/2017 17:41

Birds why are you picking out individual posts and challenging people about why they think something.

I never said it works like that I just think something doesn't become confidential the more (unnecessary) people that know about it.

Ploppie4 · 14/10/2017 17:41

Well dirt/swearing/turning light off could be reported to help build a picture but I don’t think it would go anywhere unless there were other bigger incidents. The children I work with have SS intervention

Birdsgottafly · 14/10/2017 17:46

You because i was a CP SW and the incorrect information being given could prevent someone from reporting and without being sensationalist could cost a child their life.

Information about how SS work shouldn't be given unless you are sure of the facts.

It worries me when someone comes on and says that it wouldn't get picked up in their LA.I have no issue with saying that their LA is under performing and they need to be a part of making changes ,not trying to convince others that,that is the norm.

AdalindSchade · 14/10/2017 17:51

It worries me when someone comes on and says that it wouldn't get picked up in their LA.I have no issue with saying that their LA is under performing and they need to be a part of making changes ,not trying to convince others that,that is the norm

This^^^

That's what I was responding to earlier. I can't stand reading 'social workers barely have time to deal with real abuse, they won't care about that low level neglect' and similar. It's simply not true and it's dangerous. If that's how your local authority works then your local authority is failing and you are in a broken system.

YouMeanNothing · 14/10/2017 17:52

What incorrect information is being given or who is giving information about how SS work? All I meant by my original comment is that I thought it was all meant to be on a need to know basis

AndrewJames · 14/10/2017 17:54

It worries me when someone comes on and says that it wouldn't get picked up in their LA

It wouldn't though, on the info in the OP. If that worries you, you'd have to be pretty naive about the state of services right now.
The OP then did some drip dripping........

GlitterGlue · 14/10/2017 18:00

The health visitor sounds like a good idea. They do sound as if they could do with some parenting support. You could ring the local HV team and let them know your concerns.

Are there still any sure start centres locally? If so could you persuade her to go along?

Original poster
PurpleGrapePip · 14/10/2017 18:01

The OP then did some drip dripping........

God forbid anyone ever posts anything on here without including every crucial detail in the OP. But I put more details in the second post and it's drip feeding. Clearly I'm just posting for dramatic effect and not because I'm concerned about 3 children who I love very much.

OP posts:
ASauvignonADay · 14/10/2017 18:05

I would report it. Having dealt with 12 year olds who were constantly told to ‘fuck off’ as small children, I think it would do no harm. And as others have said if the information you have isn’t enough, it may a piece of a bigger jigsaw.

Star141 · 14/10/2017 18:06

Leaving a small child on a toilet where the can't get down and switching the light off - terrifyingly cruel mind game. I think this would be torture if it happens often and how do you know it doesn't.
Swearing is unpleasant and the grubbiness isn't great.
But for me the toilet incident definitely should be reported. If this is what you see what potentially happens when you aren't there?
As for those saying it's sneaky going behind a parents back so what! I'd rather be a sneak than the so called mother that turned her back on small children knowing what was happening to them.
If it's nothing to worry about then the social workers will assess and leave them alone but don't be the person who turned a blind eye to those dc op.

fleshmarketclose · 14/10/2017 18:09

i reported a neighbour for her constant verbal abuse at her son as did the neighbour the other side. Each interaction seemed to consist of her bellowing and swearing at him and ended often in her slapping him and him sobbing. I reported to both SS and HV but nothing happened other than her kicking off at both myself and the other neighbour and doing a midnight flit. Not sure how high the bar is set for there to be support from SS but certainly HV commented that it "wasn't ideal" but unlikely to meet the threshold for support.

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