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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask ex for a contribution?

61 replies

bespawler · 08/10/2017 12:48

Backstory: I have DS with ex and am expecting our second child. We separated early on in this pregnancy. He refused to talk to me about contact with DS and chose to go through the family court who granted him with what I offered anyway, so he completely wasted a few thousand pounds. He has said that he wants contact with this baby but obviously that wasn't decided through court as it isn't born yet.

He pays the minimum maintenance each month for DS but hasn't contributed anything towards things for this baby and hasn't mentioned doing so when it is born.

Would it be unreasonable to email him all of the receipts I have for things bought for this baby and ask him to contribute something towards it?

OP posts:
Sausagerollers · 08/10/2017 13:15

Nope, of course not. If he's the kind of father who'll walk out on his pregnant partner and refuse to converse about contact etc, then I think written communication is the way forward.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 08/10/2017 13:16

Not unreasonable at all.

BewareOfDragons · 08/10/2017 13:18

It wouldn't be unreasonable at all, but don't hold your breath. He sounds like a 'minimum' kind of dad. Poor kids.

NoKidsTwoCats · 08/10/2017 13:18

Of course not, it's his child too so he has to accept some of the financial responsibility for any costs.

Allthewaves · 08/10/2017 13:27

I'd be discussing contact and maintenance first.

Sounds like he won't pay and if I were co parenting I'd expect the other parent to run any purchases past me before buying if they expected me to pay

Allthewaves · 08/10/2017 13:28

What would be asking him to pay for/pay half of?

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 13:29

I only communicate with him by email him anyway in case he decides to do the court process again with this baby.

I can't really understand the logic of spending thousands of pounds on court rather than speaking to the mother of your child and spending money on the kids.

Should I ask him for a specific amount or just tell him how much things have cost and let him decide how stingy to be?

OP posts:
Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 13:34

Allthewaves - He won't talk to me about that. He just says he wants contact and leaves it at that. I imagine I'll get a court notice through not long after the birth. I'm due soon so I've had to buy everything without his input. It would be for things like a new cot, bouncy chair, play gym, nappies, etc. I'm not bothered about clothes, toys or the smaller stuff. So £400?

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 08/10/2017 14:21

I think the crux of this isnt whether or not you could reasonably expect a co-parent to contribute to baby items but rather can you reasonably expect him to contribute.
Looking at the Op you've written, I wouldn't think he'll be keen to hand anything over as he obviously believes you to be difficult and untrustworthy (not saying it's true, but its the narrative he's following) if you ask him for money, be aware that legally he doesn't have any obligation and is likely to want to retain the control and also probably enjoy saying no...

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 08/10/2017 14:25

I think you could take the approach of: 'do you want to go halves on buying car seat, pushchair and other portable items, or will you be buying your own to use while the baby spends time with you?'

ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/10/2017 14:34

I don’t think getting a court order is a waste of money - people do change their mind and suddenly change or stop contact altogether. I’m not saying you’d do that but he has been sensible in getting a formal agreement in place. The fact you don’t understand or appreciate this process tells me it was a good move on his part.

Anyway, YANBU to expect a contribution to your DC’s new things. Whether you will get or not is another matter.

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 14:51

ShowMePotatoSalad - Courts should be used to make agreements legally binding or as a last resort if someone won't cooperate. It's childish to refuse to speak to the mother of your child and have no contact with your child for months while a court makes an obvious decision. Would've been a lot simpler and cheaper for him to have spoken to me like an adult and put an agreement in a consent order. Oh well, not my money Smile

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 08/10/2017 14:59

I'm assuming he will need to buy the same things for his place? I think you could do what Slightlyperturbedowlagain suggests and ask him whether he wants to go halves and share the equipment or if he wants to buy his own.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/10/2017 15:01

Thanks, I’m aware of what the courts do. Like I say, it sounds like a good decision to have made. I don’t know the backstory but I’m making an educated guess that the situation was not a bed of roses, and communication not exactly that of two best buddies making life easy for one another.

FenceSitter01 · 08/10/2017 15:03

I'm going to stir the hornets nest on this one - baby things - is he likely to say "what did you do with DC1s stuff, why do you need new?" Baby stuff is stuff parents want rather than need. Eg baby needs a pram/buggy - the argument is that one can be picked up cheaply for 20 quid in a charity shop, a new travel system costing the thick end of a grand isn't needed. So It depends what you've bought, price range and where from. But. Would this not come under a discretionary payment rather than maintenance?

Allthewaves · 08/10/2017 15:04

But isn't he going to have to buy a cot, bouncy chair etc for his house

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 15:26

ShowMePotatoSalad - Nothing too exciting actually. A daft argument too far, we split up, he left my home, I messaged him a few times about discussing contact and had no replies and the first I heard from him was a letter from a solicitor 8 weeks later Confused

Allthewaves & FenceSitter01- Baby will have one set of things. He's aware that this baby needs new things. I've not spent a fortune, I think everything has come to about a grand.

I think he would contribute if I asked but it'd be along with moaning about how much he's already spent on court fees. I just don't know what to say to him in an email. "Seeing as we've not had a conversation about finances yet, I was wondering what you were thinking about buying Baby's new things?" Or is that a bit crap?

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 08/10/2017 15:32

I would simply state that you've purchased this for at home, this is the cost. If he wishes to utilise them then he can pay half of the cost. If not he will have to buy his own.

notgivingin789 · 08/10/2017 16:14

OP have you thought about filing for child maintenance?

Alittlepotofrosie · 08/10/2017 16:25

A GRAND!?
I think you'll be lucky to get £500 out of him to be honest.

HeebieJeebies456 · 08/10/2017 16:25

Have you discussed what will happen when you go into labour yet?
Will he be taking care of dc1 at home/hospital?
When will he get to meet his new born?
What time/hours work best for you post birth so he can have contact (without extended family/friends there)?

This is the kind of info that can only/is best coming from you.

Once you start discussing this you can suggest/ask if he's bought baby stuff for use at his own place.
If he doesn't intend on getting his own stuff then ask him for a contribution to yours, i'm guessing he'll be wanting to take baby out in the pram etc?
It might be best to leave maintenance discussion until the baby is born.

When you've got 2 adults who can't/won't communicate with each other, it's best to go via the legal route to sort things out.

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 17:25

Alittlepotofrosie - I thought a grand was quite cheap for everything! Cot, travel system, high chair, moses basket, sterilising stuff, etc and then clothes, nappies, wipes and toys. I was just going to ask for a contribution tbh, not £500.

HeebieJeebies456 - No he won't talk to me at all. I've made arrangements with my family for when I give birth but I'll change those arrangements if he does start communicating. I'm not holding my breath. I think he's still feeling hurt about our break up and not really thinking long term. It's hard to know what to do for the best tbh.

OP posts:
Expemsiveuniform · 08/10/2017 17:29

Why can’t you reuse the stuff you had from the first one?

He will have to buy his own atuff for the baby so he has no obligation at all to contribute to the cost of your stuff. Unless you’re going to shell out for half of his?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/10/2017 18:00

I think he's still feeling hurt about our break up

Interesting that you chose not to correct the first PP who responded to you said "If he's the kind of father who would walk out on his pregnant partner..."

There is definitely more to this than you have presented. I'm quite sure of that.

Wishingandwaiting · 08/10/2017 18:04

It could reasonably be argued that you would have second hand bits from your first child.

It is all about what is fair and reasonable. So if you were to go before a court, why have you spend £800 on an unborn second child, on a new cot etc.

Yes he absolutely should contribute. But to send a bill for £400 will likely have a negative impact on your relationship before your child is even born.

Instead I would email. I would explain new items need to be purchased. List them. Ask for a contribution. Say you very much hope that this can all be settled amicably without resorting to lawyers.

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