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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask ex for a contribution?

61 replies

bespawler · 08/10/2017 12:48

Backstory: I have DS with ex and am expecting our second child. We separated early on in this pregnancy. He refused to talk to me about contact with DS and chose to go through the family court who granted him with what I offered anyway, so he completely wasted a few thousand pounds. He has said that he wants contact with this baby but obviously that wasn't decided through court as it isn't born yet.

He pays the minimum maintenance each month for DS but hasn't contributed anything towards things for this baby and hasn't mentioned doing so when it is born.

Would it be unreasonable to email him all of the receipts I have for things bought for this baby and ask him to contribute something towards it?

OP posts:
Wishingandwaiting · 08/10/2017 18:05

I don’t understand why you need new EVeRYTHING for a second baby.

And nor would a court.

Wishingandwaiting · 08/10/2017 18:06

And he will also have to get items for when they stay with him, and this would be considered in calculating his contribution.

stella23 · 08/10/2017 18:07

I can't really understand the logic of spending thousands of pounds on court rather than speaking to the mother of your child and spending money on the kids
Well the logic is that it's legally binding, and therefore enforcable by law, not leaving hi beholdent to somenes else's goodwill to have a relationship with his child

Wishingandwaiting · 08/10/2017 18:09

Stella

You don’t need to go to court to do that. It’s court that ramps up the cost. There are far far more economical ways of securing a legally binding agreement.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 08/10/2017 18:10

He needs to buy his own stuff, it can't all be shared.

£1000 on baby stuff for a second child is madness. Your choice not his.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2017 18:13

I doubt he will contribute. I think your'e best off ignoring him as much as possible (and well done for getting rid, because he sounds like a self-obsessed arsehole).

TidyDancer · 08/10/2017 18:53

I agree with those saying court was sensible - in the circumstances it leaves both of you knowing exactly where you stand. Ideal if things are amicable enough to know you can work out everything between you but for whatever reason that’s not the case here.

I don’t think asking for a contribution is unreasonable but it depends whether these are items you are truly going to be sharing. I’m presuming he will need to buy a cot and nappies etc for his house as well so perhaps not reasonable to ask for 50/50 split for what you’ve bought. Can you not reuse some stuff from your first DC?

Inertia · 08/10/2017 19:18

To be honest I would cover the cost of the baby equipment myself, and tell him he needs to provide his own cot/pram/car seat etc when the baby stays with him. The man is clearly a complete arse, and if equipment is shared you'll end up without something vital because he's decided to keep it his house.

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 19:25

Lots of different opinions on here!

For the record, we don't have any of DS baby stuff due to moving house, having less storage space and big age gap between kids. We always planned on buying new things for this baby now that we have a bigger house. Decision that we both made when planning this baby. Baby will only have one set of items, so Ex won't have to pay for another set of things for his house. I have no intention of going through solicitors, court or even making demands that he pay half towards things. If I asked him for £1000, he would probably give it to me. The actual money isn't the issue here, it's the idea of asking him.

I'm asking whether I should email him and ask him for a contribution seeing as he wants to bury his head in the sand and hope things sort itself out. Would I ask for a specific amount or just tell him how much things have cost and leave it up to him? What should I actually say? Or should I just leave it and bring up maintenance when baby is here?

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 08/10/2017 19:28

I don't think he'll pay before baby is born. He doesn't have to, and he doesn't appear that willing anyway.

I think you'll have to swallow this cost and just hope he sticks to maintenance agreement

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 08/10/2017 19:37

Baby will only have one set of items, so Ex won't have to pay for another set of things for his house.

That's not up to you. You get to decide what baby has at your house, he can buy whatever he wants for his own house. If that means 2 of everything then so be it. It's his decision.

A grand on baby stuff is madness. Apart from a car seat and mattress nothing need some to be new. A newly single parent having a grand to shell out on baby stuff clearly isn't struggling so I think it's a bit cheeky to expect half back from him and insist he doesn't buy his own stuff.

Fwiw for my first baby my car seat was £70, (new) my pram was £50 (new) my cot mattress was £20 new. Everything else was borrowed, (crib, steriliser) given second hand (cot, bouncy seat) or given as a gift (clothes, bottles and high chair)

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 19:54

NoCryLilSoftSoft - Good for you, not everyone knows such generous people. I'm certainly not moaning about spending money, and I'm not struggling for cash, it has been my choice. I thought that was quite cheap for everything new, but maybe it's relative to people's income. Immediately after the bit you've just quoted, I said "I have no intention of going through solicitors, court or even making demands that he pay half towards things" so you must have missed that bit. Baby won't have things at his house because he doesn't live in a house, he works away and stays wherever in the country his employer puts him up for the week. He takes DS out a few times a week for a couple of hours when he is in the area and I imagine it'll be similar when Baby is here, unless he's planning on quitting his job. It's very hard to guess what to do to be fair.

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 08/10/2017 19:57

I am really not sure why you are getting a hard time here OP.

Fact though he doesn't have to contribute to the baby till he/she is born so he can refuse.

If you are not communicating I really doubt he will contribute so I wouldn't give him a chance to say no.

notgivingin789 · 08/10/2017 20:01

When your Ex has contact with DS, have you ever asked if he can contribute to the baby ? I think you should just ask him and see what he says.

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 20:15

notgivingin789 - He doesn't really talk to me in person tbh. Just trivial things about work, family, the weather. I think he would want to contribute but I have no idea how to bring it up. It would feel a bit "gold digger" to ask for money outright

OP posts:
Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 20:20

I've just sat and worked out how much I think I've spent and it's more like £750 Grin £550 on the big stuff like travel system and cot and the rest on stuff like clothes, toys, nappies, baby monitor. The small stuff soon adds up!

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 08/10/2017 20:31

In your shoes I'd just tell him you've bought x y and z. Presuming that he'd be wanting to share then ask him to check that the cat seat you've bought will be suitable for his car. Then ask if he wishes to contribute. Don't put amounts on it. Just put the ball in his court.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/10/2017 20:41

*He doesn’t live in a house, he works away and stays wherever his employer puts him up for the week”

There’s no way he doesn’t have a place to live. People don’t work every day of the week. He must take time off as well as have weekends or days in the week where he’s not working. Are you saying he has no fixed address? You don’t have to be Miss Marple to work out so much of this story is not adding up.

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 20:57

ShowMePotatoSalad - I've not gone into detail because it just isn't relevant. His address would be his parent's house now but he doesn't very often sleep there. He usually works away for weeks at a time. He obviously gets time off, so he travels back, spends a few hours with DS, visits his parents and travels back to wherever he may be working. So for example, he does most of his work in London, drives 4 hours here, spends maybe 3-4 hours with DS, travels 1 hour to his parents, spends a couple of hours there and then does the journey back. And that's a day off very easily took up! Probably obvious why we would argue and break up now? You're really focusing on the wrong bits of this haha. Nothing too exciting, nothing too glam, just his career skyrocketing at a time when I would have loved to have him home more. Utter bastard me Smile

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/10/2017 21:04

So when you said he didn’t see his DS for a long time was that not because he was working away? You’ve only just mentioned that bit but it seems quite pertinent now to the situation. You kind of implied he purposefully didn’t see his son but now you’re saying he’s always away working.

When you say I’m focusing on the wrong bits, do you mean I’m being awkward by questioning what you’re saying? I always think it’s impossible to give advice to someone when their story is contradictory.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 08/10/2017 21:12

So where does he see DS? It's coming into winter now. He's going to need somewhere he can take DS and a newborn for his contact when its pissing down and freezing pretty soon.

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 21:12

He didn't see DS for around 10 weeks when we split up. He would probably have continued working but didn't get in touch or reply to my messages to arrange contact for his time off. If he didn't want to talk to me, he could've contacted one of my family members. Honestly he could've spent those weeks in the Bahamas and I would have had no idea because he doesn't talk to me about anything of importance. I only know the bits that I've heard through court. The whole situation feels like a complete mess tbh, it's been really crap to deal with this and go through this pregnancy alone. But that's a whole different topic for another thread...

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 08/10/2017 21:16

I’m sorry OP. I know my posts have been a bit harsh. I don’t mean to be, it’s just been a bit hazy as to what has actually gone on. You’ve taken all the responses in your stride and you’re clearly a strong person. Hopefully he’ll start having his kids at his parents house and he’ll need to get some stuff for them. If he does then if you both get your own stuff that would be the easiest way forward.

Original poster
bespawler · 08/10/2017 21:18

NoCryLilSoftSoft - Different places. Usually a zoo or bowling or out for a meal. I know, I've tried to have a conversation about it but he just changes topic in person or doesn't reply to emails or messages. He thinks that things will sort itself out. It's a shitty situation to be in, I spend hours trying to figure out the right answer to all of it.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/10/2017 21:19

showme

It has always been the case with children’s act cases that no court order should be made if one is not needed
Granted in the real world once two people are actually in front of a judge the need for one often gets lost because people are two busy attempting to reach an agreement they don’t actually discuss if it’s needed or not, it’s not unusual for people to walk out with an agreed court order for exactly what one party was quite happy to agree to in the first place with the other having wasted money time and energy of them both and created hostility.

How can someone decide that they need to obtain a court order if they haven’t even attempted to discuss contact arangements? Granted in cases of abuse or stuff like that then it’s a reasonable step to take but doing so without need puts pressure on the family courts it prevents cases being heard in a timely fashion when there is real need and over all it’s quite dickish behaviour