Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh away for step ds birthday - is he B U?

68 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 08/10/2017 08:46

Just wondering if this is such a big deal or not. Dh's sister has bought him and her tickets to see a band they love and go to watch live quite often. (Well, a few times a year)
SIL didn't check with dh if the date was ok, just booked them.
It turns out it's my ds's birthday that day. It is a weeknight and if it wasn't for the tickets, dh would work until 8.30pm anyway.
It's not a momentous age ds will be reaching. Dh thinks it will be fine and said we'll celebrate at the weekend. I pointed out he wouldn't go if it was his biological child's birthday.
I'm not sure who's being unreasonable here.

OP posts:
2014newme · 08/10/2017 08:48

It's fine.
It's not his Biological child so there's no point saying that.

LostInShoebiz · 08/10/2017 08:49

Do you KNOW he wouldn't go on his own child's birthday?

I think YABU as it's one night and from what you've said, it sounds like it might be during the week. Surely you'd be celebrating on the weekend regardless?

MinervaSaidThar · 08/10/2017 08:52

InthinkmYABU, the tickets are booked and will presumably be wasted if he doesn't go.

He needs to make it clearer to his sister that he needs to check dates with her in future. Would he have known DSS's birthday?

Also, if he was planning to work tol 8.30pm, it doesn't sound like anything was planned?

If ut was, you should go ahead without him so he sees this will happen.

KarateKitten · 08/10/2017 08:54

It's a weeknight. You can all celebrate better at the weekend. I don't think it's helpful or healthy to be pointing out 'if it was you biological son...'.

If it was my DH and our biological son I'd be telling him to go and we'd do something nice at the weekend. So stop pitching yourself and your son against your DP.

Aderyn17 · 08/10/2017 08:54

I'm torn too. Half of me thinks your ds has you, his actual parent there, which is most important to him, but otoh kids do take perceived slights very much to heart even when there was no intention.
It might hinge on the relationship ds and your dh have. Does ds see him as dad or is he firmly in step parent only territory?

Sometimes dh has been away for our children's birthday, but that was work and unavoidable and doesn't come loaded with step parent issues.
Sorry, I am crap and not helping. I think I'm coming down on the side of dh being home and giving ds the message that he is his priority, unless your ds really wouldn't care eithet way. It has to be about how ds feels rather than you or dh.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/10/2017 08:56

Will he see your son in the morning? If so have a birthday breakfast.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/10/2017 08:57

Also, will your son be upset if he doesn't see his step dad?

Lagerthaisfabulous · 08/10/2017 08:57

How old is the child?

Is the child bothered?

CosmicPineapple · 08/10/2017 08:58

Its a week night and he would be at work until 8:30 anyway so how much of the birthday would he be incuded in?

Give gifts and cards in the morning before school then celebrate at the weekend.

pinkdelight · 08/10/2017 09:00

Just celebrate at the w/e. I'd be out on my biological DCs' birthdays if it was a weeknight and something came up and make up for it at the w/e. They'd understand and be at school most of the day anyway so it wouldn't be that special. As you say, he'd be out till 8:30pm so what would he really be contributing at that time. Not a big deal imho.

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 08/10/2017 09:01

We will celebrate at the weekend and dh said we'll have a birthday breakfast. Dh said he will speak to ds about it and ask how he feels about dh going. I know ds will say he's not bothered though as he wouldn't want dh to feel bad. Does it make a difference that ds is nearly 17?
I'm just worried ds will see it that he's not a priority to dh but I'm sure ds will understand the situation.
SIL really should check dates first as we will also he losing quite a lot of money by dh taking that afternoon and evening off work.

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 08/10/2017 09:01

If the child is too young to ask, the child won't care.
If the child is old enough to discuss it with, discuss it with the child and see what he says. I cannot imagine a child who would care, that he doesn't see his step dad for an hour or so at the end of his birthday.

deepestdarkestperu · 08/10/2017 09:02

YABU, and I would say the same if it was his biological child. He wouldn’t be home from work until late anyway, so how much celebrating would you actually do at 8.30pm?

You can have a birthday breakfast before school and open presents, then you and DS can have cake and a birthday tea in the evening, and he can save some cake for his step-dad.

Then do something of DS’s choice as a family at the weekend.

sirfredfredgeorge · 08/10/2017 09:02

okay, well the advice doesn't change, but DS is 17, I'm surprised he's not out celebrating it with friends!

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 08/10/2017 09:03

I think you're all quite right actually. It's not such a big deal. I think the bottom line is the fact that SIL is again booking stuff without checking first.

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 08/10/2017 09:03

At 17 will he really be bothered about his step-dad being there? Surely he’ll want to go out with his mates?

I thought you were talking about a primary ages DC!

MsGameandWatching · 08/10/2017 09:04

I'm just worried ds will see it that he's not a priority to dh but I'm sure ds will understand the situation. SIL really should check dates first as we will also he losing quite a lot of money by dh taking that afternoon and evening off work

I think you're just annoyed that he's going at all and looking for justification.

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 08/10/2017 09:05

He is going to have a big party at the weekend with his mates and my side of the family will take him out on his birthday while dh is away. Not so bad is it?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2017 09:06

As asked, how old is your DS.

How long have you been living together and what is their relationship like?

If your DS is old enough to take from it that your DP will take time off work for himself and no-one else, then that isn't good. Even for a relationship model.

BarbarianMum · 08/10/2017 09:06

He's 17! Yes that makes a difference. He'll easily be able to understand that you'll be celebrating at the weekend and will probably rather be out with friends anyway.

deepestdarkestperu · 08/10/2017 09:07

It sounds fine.

If the real problem is SIL booking things without checking, then your DH needs to address that and either say he can’t go (because he’ll lose a days pay or whatever) or tell her she needs to check in the future or run the risk of wasting her money.

If he loves the band and is happy to lose a days pay, though, then that’s upto him. I doubt the fact that it’s his step-sons 17th birthday has even crossed his mind!

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2017 09:12

X post.

Get over 'losing' the money, that's your DHs choice, you should both have fun money.

I think that it depends on the teen. These years can be as important, if not more, than primary school age.

Your DH needs to foster a different relationship with your DS, as he turns into an Adult.

If he wouldn't have turned down the tickets if he had have been included in the planning, then he would have been out of order, but he wasn't included.

Was that because of work, or because it was your side's night?

NataliaOsipova · 08/10/2017 09:14

Does it make a difference that ds is nearly 17?

Yes! Because he will be able to have the situation explained to him (aunt booked the tickets and had forgotten the significance of the date) and will be able to understand it. I'm wondering if you are more upset about it than your son? Are there other issues at play here.

pilates · 08/10/2017 09:17

Yes, a huge difference being 17! I’m sure he won’t be that bothered. I thought we were talking about a 7 year old.

threadarick · 08/10/2017 09:17

Ah, so you don’t like your SIL?