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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL is probably going to regret this....

74 replies

GirlOnATrainToShite · 06/10/2017 19:56

SIL is a lot younger than OH and has just had her 1st baby.

A while ago we (OH and I) were in Gretna and joking seriously considering getting married. At the time SIL (to be) sent us a message saying she would never forgive us if we did it without her there. We did not but not really for that reason.

We planned our wedding a year ago, a few months later SIL told us she was PG. I was happy for her but OH had a few lots of reservations about her OH as a month before his mum had phoned (they live with her) saying he had gone off in a jealous rage with her phone and SIL was thinking about ending it (the relationship).

She is also about £30,000 in debt (spent on cars, holidays and now a ridiculous amount of baby stuff) and asked us to help her out last year which we declined to do.

As soon as she said she was pg I was pretty sure she would not make it to our wedding. The family were adamant she would.

Baby arrived 3 weeks ago and when we visited she said they aren't coming as baby will be 10 weeks old and she doesn't want to do a long (5 hours) car journey to us as it's dangerous for the baby to be in the car seat for that long (and I don't think they can afford to come). OH is understandably disappointed as this would wave the first time ever all our families had met.

That's fine that's her choice but now we are getting loads of messages about how gutted she is.

She could come if she wanted to but it's about priorities and make a decision but don't then keep on about how "gutted" you are. I get that babies change your life (I emigrated with a 7 week old) and I understand that she's not coming but FFS.

I just feel a bit sad that she will probably realise it was something she could have done with a bit of planning (like a stop half way) and we are going to hear her lamenting regrets forever.

OP posts:
Violetparis · 06/10/2017 20:01

I can imagine regretting missing a family member's funeral but not a wedding to the degree that I would lament about it for months.

scrappydappydoo · 06/10/2017 20:12

Firstly congrats on you upcoming wedding - I hope the day goes brilliantly. Tbh I would go easy on SIL - she's 3 weeks post birth and probably a trip to the shops feels like an expedition. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed with dd1 and yes in hindsight I could have done more and many of my friends did loads but to me at the time every tiny thing was huge. Keep a space open for her in case she changes her mind and maybe facetime her during the ceremony ( a bit like Phoebe in friends).

Original poster
GirlOnATrainToShite · 06/10/2017 20:13

She took the baby to a "photo shoot" when she was 5 days old Grin

OP posts:
Ttbb · 06/10/2017 20:16

It's just a wedding. She'll get over it.

NapQueen · 06/10/2017 20:17

A five hour drive with a newborn isnt fun. And they need plenty breaks.

However you bring up lots of unecessary stuff (her debt, oh you dont like, you emigrating with a 7week old) that I just think you mustnt like her much.

TheHungryDonkey · 06/10/2017 20:23

I don’t understand the issue with the photograph session. Is it because she used the words photo shoot? You really don’t like her.

PerspicaciaTick · 06/10/2017 20:26

Her baby is, and always will be, more important to her than your wedding. I'm sure she will handle any regrets she has.

StaySexyDontGetMurdered · 06/10/2017 20:27

It doesn't sound like you like her tbh, do you even want her there?

She might regret it, she might not. Having a first baby is a big adjustment, I'm not surprised a 5 hour journey scares her a bit. I'd have been the same with my PFB.

I hope you have a lovely wedding day. Don't let her not being there spoil it for you, the wedding is about your relationship with your DP

QuiteLikely5 · 06/10/2017 20:28

Just seems like you want to have a bitch on her tbh

LoniceraJaponica · 06/10/2017 20:29

You don't have children do you?

At 10 weeks I wouldn't have wanted to subject DD to a 5 hour car journey - which would probably take 7 or 8 hours with stops, feeding etc.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2017 20:29

Do people really regret not going to weddings? I'm sad to miss ones I can't make but regret is far too strong a word. She's chosen not to come. I'm sure she won't be losing any sleep over it.

EB123 · 06/10/2017 20:30

What does the debt and having a photo shoot have to do with anything? You clearly look down on her.

Driving 5 hours with a small baby doesn't sound much fun to me. She will probably feel a bit sad on the day but I don't think it will be a lifelong disappointment for her.

LuluJakey1 · 06/10/2017 20:30

I agree with SIL - I couldn't have taken either of my 2 on a 5hr drive at that age. I just wanted routine and peace and quiet. Weddings don't bother me though.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/10/2017 20:31

Current guidelines are half an hour at a time in a car seat aren't they? If she's trying to stick to that, 5 hours would be a nightmare.

MadMags · 06/10/2017 20:31

None of your post is relevant to the situation.

She doesn't want to travel with a newborn, and she's gutted.

What do you think she'll regret?

chitofftheshovel · 06/10/2017 20:31

Just try not to indulge her woe is me attitude. If she really wanted to be there she would find a way.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2017 20:31

She could come if she wanted to but it's about priorities and make a decision but don't then keep on about how "gutted" you are.

She probably thinks that's what you want to hear.

What's the age gap got to do with anything?

RosyPony · 06/10/2017 20:32

Weddings with small children are shite, it's not a big deal really.

Bluntness100 · 06/10/2017 20:33

I think you’re a bit up yourself if you think not goIng to your wedding is going to be such s big deal she will lament it forever, she might lament it in front of you for politeness, but no more than that.

You sound a bit bridezilla on steroids.

RandomMess · 06/10/2017 20:34

I would drop in things like "oh such shame want a chance for baby to steal centre stage" may make her open to think through logistics Wink

IshouldntcareaboutthisbutIdo · 06/10/2017 20:34

Wedding planned then pg news. The reality of travelling for such a long time with a young baby has just dawned on her. I wouldn't have wanted to do that journey either. She will get over it. But I think you need to as well! Congratulations and you will have a fabulous day and she can look at the photos from the comfort of her home

Timefor2 · 06/10/2017 20:35

My baby is 10 weeks and I could definitely do a 5 hour (plus stops) trip BUT this is my second and also I wouldn't have felt comfortable guaranteeing I could do it at 10 weeks when the baby was only 3 weeks. As another poster said, could you keep a places open for them and let them make a final decision in a few weeks?

Strokethefurrywall · 06/10/2017 20:36

About 85% of your entire OP is absolutely not worth mentioning, nor relevant to the situation.

Notonthestairs · 06/10/2017 20:37

I suspect she'll change her mind closer to the time. A lovely opportunity to show off her baby (not being horrible, I love babies!).
if she doesnt come AND IF she complains/moans about missing it let it go over your head.
She's just had a baby, I'd cut her a break.

PerfectlyPooPoo · 06/10/2017 20:38

The OP says she emigrated with a 7 week old Loni Hmm

I think I know what you're saying OP. She's regretting it now and the wedding hasn't even happened.

I personally wouldn't have done it after visiting the IL abroad when dd1 was 12 weeks old. I was very out of my comfort zone and swore never again and at dh for insisting we went

But I made that decision with dd2 and was happy to have to miss anything.