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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think SIL is probably going to regret this....

74 replies

GirlOnATrainToShite · 06/10/2017 19:56

SIL is a lot younger than OH and has just had her 1st baby.

A while ago we (OH and I) were in Gretna and joking seriously considering getting married. At the time SIL (to be) sent us a message saying she would never forgive us if we did it without her there. We did not but not really for that reason.

We planned our wedding a year ago, a few months later SIL told us she was PG. I was happy for her but OH had a few lots of reservations about her OH as a month before his mum had phoned (they live with her) saying he had gone off in a jealous rage with her phone and SIL was thinking about ending it (the relationship).

She is also about £30,000 in debt (spent on cars, holidays and now a ridiculous amount of baby stuff) and asked us to help her out last year which we declined to do.

As soon as she said she was pg I was pretty sure she would not make it to our wedding. The family were adamant she would.

Baby arrived 3 weeks ago and when we visited she said they aren't coming as baby will be 10 weeks old and she doesn't want to do a long (5 hours) car journey to us as it's dangerous for the baby to be in the car seat for that long (and I don't think they can afford to come). OH is understandably disappointed as this would wave the first time ever all our families had met.

That's fine that's her choice but now we are getting loads of messages about how gutted she is.

She could come if she wanted to but it's about priorities and make a decision but don't then keep on about how "gutted" you are. I get that babies change your life (I emigrated with a 7 week old) and I understand that she's not coming but FFS.

I just feel a bit sad that she will probably realise it was something she could have done with a bit of planning (like a stop half way) and we are going to hear her lamenting regrets forever.

OP posts:

Original poster

GirlOnATrainToShite · 06/10/2017 20:40

I have 3 children and as said in my OP emigrated to NZ with my first when they were 7 weeks old.

I do like her.

I mentioned the stuff in my OP so as not to be accused of drip feeding and yes maybe I needed a rant as the whole PFB is pissing me off mixed in with the "I will never forgive you" then actually we can't be arsed to organise ourselves to come.

OP posts:

Thissameearth · 06/10/2017 20:44

Agreed loads of irrelevant info here! No I don't think she'll regret it as a wedding is not really a big deal esp when you're a long term couple and she's prob just feeling bad hence saying she's gutted to make it clear to you. It was before she was pg that she said about Gretna and you said yourself it didn't affect your decidion so it's not anything. I wouldn't do baby photo shoot but so what - I presume it wasn't at a venue a five hour drive away!

SnorkellingCat · 06/10/2017 20:44

At 10 weeks old my DD was in a pavlik harness and could only be in her car seat for 30 minutes at a time no more than twice a day, we had to stay local due to that so I think YABVU it's just a wedding, if it was funeral I'd say she may regret it but not for a wedding.

Bluntness100 · 06/10/2017 20:45

Oh well op, you can comfort yourself with the fact you were such a much more efficient parent, that she’s missing the event of her life and continue to look down on her.

Are you jealous of her by any chance? Or just a really superior human being?

LilQueenie · 06/10/2017 20:45

Is it possible he partner doesnt want her to go and she is being intimidated by him? Also if she was so sure about wanting to be at your wedding why is she now so easily swayed not to. As you say she managed to travel to a photo shoot 5 days after the birth. It doesn't sound like she has reservations about the travelling in itself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2017 20:45

We drove 5 hours with dd when she was 6 weeks. It’s a lot easier with a newbie than with an older baby. I could understand if she or the baby were ill. Of course it’s her choice but she needs to stop with the texts and hopefully she will once she has got over post partum hormone fluctuation.

Thissameearth · 06/10/2017 20:47

No reason why PFB should piss you off - it's her first give her a break. You said Gretna was not affected by her statement though - and again people just say stuff they don't mean it 100%. Chill out who cares, enjoy a nice day. If you're annoyed at her saying she's gutted just say honestly we completely get it so let's not mention it again and then anytime she raises it repeat that it's not a big deal and not to mention it.

Flisspaps · 06/10/2017 20:48

Isn’t the advice for babies now no longer than 30 minutes at a time in a car seat at once, and no longer than 2 hours out of 24?

What may be a 7 hour journey with a couple of stops suddenly becomes MUCH longer. Perhaps needing an overnight stop which they may not be able to afford —if they’ve spent all their cash in a photo shoot—

MsVestibule · 06/10/2017 20:49

I really don't see how anybody would consider the fact that she frittered away £30k is relevant in any way at all. Are any MNers going to say 'ah, massive drip feed, that piece of information would have changed my response'?

From my perspective, it appears that you just wanted us to look down on her a bit. I'm not sure why. And well done on emigrating with a 7wo. Some of us just aren't as great as you.

Original poster

GirlOnATrainToShite · 06/10/2017 20:52

Oh good god no I did not want anyone to look down in her.

I just think it's priorities about what she spends her money on - not the car journey.

And yes it fucked me off last year when she asked us to take out a loan to bail her out when we have a large family and then went to the Caribbean for two weeks.

OP posts:

CoffeeBreakIn5 · 06/10/2017 20:55

She sounds like a pain in the arse OP, her lamenting over not being able to go sounds dramatic and attention seeking. PFB is fine, most parents have been there, but it doesn't mean it has to be indulged. Maybe when she's less PFB she'll realise how ridiculous she's being.

And no, a long journey with a baby isn't fun but sometimes we put ourselves out when it's people we care about. That works both ways of course, if they can't make it you shouldn't hold it against them. I do think there's no reason they can't go though.

usualGubbins · 06/10/2017 20:57

Unfortunately, despite the huge amounts of money spent on weddings these days, they are only really important to the bride and groom and immediate family (parents). For other people it really isn't that big a deal. Your SIL will see the photos etc etc and I'm sure that you will have a great day, but if she's got £30k worth of debt to deal with it's probably a good thing she's not spending even more to come!

Original poster

GirlOnATrainToShite · 06/10/2017 20:59

Coffee thank you.

We just made the same journey last weekend - me with a really bad back.

Not that I am comparing but I just think people have travelled with babies for bloody centuries - since when did it become dangerous?

It's her supposedly beloved big brother.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2017 21:00

The only way I can see the money being relevant is the fact that she is happy to spend lots. If travelling in the car seat is the issue, she could buy a lie flat car seat seeing as she’s a big spender.

Original poster

GirlOnATrainToShite · 06/10/2017 21:01

And we are not spending a ridiculous amount of money on our wedding.

She hasn't seen her nieces in 6 years, never visited before the baby (once crisply when we paid for petrol) and never even sends a bday card but expects us to be over joyed at her baby so we did the right thing and put ourselves out and visited.

OP posts:

5BlueHydrangea · 06/10/2017 21:04

Could she get a train? Then baby can lay flat in the pram.

Sayyouwill · 06/10/2017 21:05

Now that is a drip feed OP.
Put that in your original post and take out all the useless crap.

EB123 · 06/10/2017 21:15

Lol I didn't want to drip feed so put in loads of irrelevant information but choose to leave that out? As I said before it is pretty obvious you don't think much of her. She doesn't want to come, let it go and if she mentions it just say yes it's a shame but let's not dwell on it.

PashPash · 06/10/2017 21:19

Meh

Other people's weddings are really dull. It was a revelation coming on here and discovering that some people actually enjoy weddings. I'd assumed everyone found them a massive chore and looked for any excuse to give them a swerve.

?...just me then.

HughLauriesStubble · 06/10/2017 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabsAlot · 06/10/2017 21:21

she sounds like an attention seeker if shes not coming then just say such a shame and change th subject

she makes no effort with u usually so u shouldnt be suprised

LynetteScavo · 06/10/2017 21:23

sn’t the advice for babies now no longer than 30 minutes at a time in a car seat at once, and no longer than 2 hours out of 24?

DD was stuffed- school was 30 mins drive- had to drop off & pick up DS1 & DS2 from school/nursery = 3 hours each day in her car seat. Without considering getting to baby groups, etc.

How do you even get from London to Cornwall with a baby? Is it really a two day journey?

Witchend · 06/10/2017 21:26

I can totally understand why she doesn't want to go-and I was one of the parents who was walking up to the shops the same day. And I don't think she'll regret it later either.

Notonthestairs · 06/10/2017 21:27

Is there a chance that she's being prevented from attending your wedding because of her partner? Not being randomly sexist, just that you have mentioned him removing her phone which I consider weird and controlling.

Zebra31 · 06/10/2017 21:28

Op DD is 3 years old. She’s our PFB. Unreasonable or not I would not have driven 5 hours for anyone’s wedding when she was 10 weeks old. I wouldn’t drive that now with a 10 week old.

Your SIL may feel awful now but I don’t think she will regret it forever. I think you may need to accept her pfb is more important to her than your wedding. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.

Regardless of the wedding your thread is reading like you have a lot of resentment towards your SIL. Maybe you need to put a little distance between you and your SIL. Stop focusing on her and concentrate on your wedding. Enjoy planning it.

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