Want to be treated respectfully

[sammie96]

For the past 18months a co-worker has completely blanked me. They talk right through me as if I’m invisible. It has effects on the job. Communication just doesn’t happen. I’ve brought it up with my manager a few times who have agreed it isn’t professional and would have a word. They just shrug it off and nothing changes. I find the situation embarrassing and it’s made me feel very self conscious. I’m currently working with my manager on something that a few others find a bit controversial and it’s caused a lot of debate. I overheard this particular co-worker giving their opinion on the subject today and a lot of whispering with another co -worker, it was very obvious they were talking about me, they had their back to the door and I heard them say to the other person “I’ll watch your face” which was asking them to indicate that I was entering the room. It was extremely uncomfortable. I spoke to the manager and their manager today who said they will speak to this person again. There is no reason why I’m being treated so differently by this one person, it’s actually really disturbing. I should of left a long time ago but I love my job and I wouldn’t see or speak to anyone for hours if I left. AIBU to expect to be treated respectfully by all co-workers? I feel my employer could of reacted better to this a long time ago, at one point I was told to sort it myself!

I think you should raise a grievance against her. You must hate being there because of her - you need to deal with it if your manager's too weak to do anything about it.

Speak to this person. Approach them professionally and ask if you can speak with them in private for a few minutes. It should knock them off their feet and not give them much thinking time.

Just say you feel as though there is an atmosphere, you feel uncomfortable around them. S/he will brush it off with a laugh no doubt - try to blame you, but you will have the upper hand for raising it. Just say that you hope you can work professionally together and if there are any issues to please come to you first to try to sort it.

Be professional, act appropriately and be the bigger person.

If it doesn't change then think further afield.

Good luck.

I do hate going there, it’s like a dark black cloud hanging over me. Sometimes I can rise above it but it is exhausting. I think what’s made it feel worse today was that she involved someone else and they went along with it. I work in a team of 6 others who all have definitely noticed what’s going on but don’t normally get involved either way. The person who shuns me talks to everyone else happily but never includes or acknowledges me. It’s uncomfortable, like the elephant in the room. It really drags me down. Not sure if my manager can actually do anything about it especially when it’s been brought up before and they’ve shrugged it off. Hate this situation.

I’ve never officially made a complaint about anyone ever. Not sure if I really have grounds or if it will help. They can’t be forced to be sociable or nice to me. I just wanted be treated like everyone else, no better no worse.

Are you the only two females in the office?

I'd suggest, if you've spoken to your manager and his/her manager today, I'd give a few days longer to give them a chance to rectify this situation. If nothing is done after this time, I'd suggest putting all your concerns in writing (including the dates you've raised this dilemma with your manager previously, and again today) and send it to your HR Dept. It is totally unacceptable behaviour and your manager is behaving appallingly. This amounts to bullying in the workplace, and there should be no place for it.

Do you belong to any kind of Union? It might be worth joining one, so you can get some support from a third party, if you feel you're not getting it from your employer.

It’s an all female group of colleagues MrsMhasit and not an office environment

OP, this would fall under bullying and harrassment in the organisation I work for and it would also fall under ACAS's definition.

If I were you, I'd raise a grievance. Your manager is also behaving badly. You need to strongly word it and state that you feel you are being bullied. This kind of behaviour is not acceptable in the workplace and your line manager needs to take some responsibility. You are not a troublemaker, but you have the right to not work in a toxic environment and that is your line manager's job.

Your company should have policies that you can look up so that you see where you stand if your manager continues to not deal with it. I would be asking for the bullying and harrassment policy and your grievance procedure.

This is absolutely bullying and harassment. I have been on the receiving end of treatment like this and in my experience most colleagues will take the path of leash resistance and side with the nasty one so they're not subject to the same treatment themselves - I had one colleague who really put her neck on the line taking my side in meetings, but the others completely turned a blind eye and let the situation escalate to a horrible level, it was worse than being back at school. The situation completely destroyed my confidence and I left in the end. Don't let this idiot push you out of a job you love. Force managements hand to deal with it. If you leave, they'll just turn on someone else (which is exactly what happened after I left) so it's in their interests to resolve it.

I never understand why adults would behave like this but I've seen this too. Had a girl who offered her cakes to everybody around me but me and rolled her eyes when I said good morning. Odd people. Its like they never left the playground.

Not sure if my manager can actually do anything about it

Of course they can, it's their job and so far they haven't dealt with it effectively.

This person needs speaking to and their behaviour monitoring. It shouldn't be tolerated.

I can’t believe I’ve been tolerating it for close on 16 months now. The first time I brought it up with management (who is now currently on maternity leave) they said there was nothing they could do, they couldn’t get involved and that I should try sorting it out myself! It was almost a year until I felt strong enough to bring it up again with someone else and that was because I was asked a direct question during an appraisal if I was happy in my role, I basically blurted it all out, felt so much better for doing so and relieved that I was believed and that they to thought it was wrong. Unfortunately nothing changed but it was off my chest. I’ve done nothing official because 1 I’m not out to cause trouble and 2 it sounds really petty on paper. The affect it’s had on me has been enormous though.

Dreading tomorrow. The thought of seeing this person again possibly after they have been questioned about the situation again is making me feel sick. I just want to be treated like everyone else, no worse no better. I just want to do my job without this dark cloud following me. This is no good for my health or family. I woke this morning realising that my days there are actually numbered because I know I can’t go on like this and nothing is going to change. If it was going to it would of done so by now. This realisation brings relief, anger and sadness. This job is important to me, it gives me purpose and a life unfortunately because of this person it gives me a sick twisted gut and cold sweats, stress migraines and sleepless nights. It all sounds dramatic but I can’t stress how much of an negative effect this persons behaviour has had on me. I find it extremely emotional now to talk to anyone about it face to face. It’s deeply embarrassing. My only way of resolving this is to leave and it will break my heart.

That's not a nice situation to be in
Agree with someone upthread who said to have a word with the person
Why don't you let your manager/hr know that you plan to have a chat with the person and ask the person if there's anything that you can do to work better together Might throw the person a bit and they might just be a lot nicer to you Really feel for you

Thos happened to a friend and she had exact same reaction as you with sleepless nights etc. Its total bullying. Before you take a final step of leaving go to HR and take it all the way as you have nothing to lose and shouldnt get away with it. My friend did leave when she got another job and couldnt believe everyday how nice people in her new job were.

Have you at any point ever spoke with the person about it?
If not, could you say to them " Hey! I've noticed we haven't really gelled, and I was wondering if we could try and sort it out. It's a small group of us, and it's not nice having an atmosphere"?

Don't really have any advice but wanted to let you know you are not alone.

I am in a very similar situation to yourself at the moment but in an office environment. Have an interview this week so I am looking at leaving but only if it suits me and is a good opportunity.

I get by by focusing on the people I get on with, keeping my head down and just forgetting about the others who have a proplem with me.

I think, in your position, I would ask for a meeting with my manager. I'd explain that it has been going on for far too long and that this person's behaviour is bullying. You aren't asking to go to lunch and spend your tea breaks with this woman. You're asking her to be professional. That is not an unreasonable expectation. Your employers have an obligation to sort this out and if they fail to do so informally (within a specified timeframe) then you'll be raising a formal grievance. I'd also make it very clear that I considered previous actions by management to be ineffective and instructions to sort it out myself as completely inappropriate.

I might also contact Acas and find out where you stand on constructive dismissal.

What is constructive dismissal?

DO NOT let this fucker push you out of a job you love! Tell your manager that if it cannot be resolved informally you will be forced to raise a formal grievance. Or, if you can muster your strength, do as suggested above and 'ambush' them into a conversation. ' hi x, I need a few minutes of your time please. I've noticed that you don't seem to be able to be polite to me and I'd like to know why that is?'

In this situation I’d arrange a meeting in a private room, with my manager and hers present and go through your concerns politely and ask pleasantly her how she thinks you could both work together to improve the relationship.

It does require a certain amount of sangfroid though.

I have done it in the past and it worked. She stopped behaving badly once she knew it was all out in the open and her behaviour was being monitored.

What a shame they are pushing you out. Force your line manager to act by formally addressing it. Do you work for a chain? Is there HR? Written policies?

How are you Sammie

I feel at the end of the line! I did bring it up with both managers last week and they said they’d have a word. This has happened before but nothing ever changes.

So you go back and say nothing has changed.